Joke Telling: Dying is Easy, Comedy is Hard

"When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front . . . the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred-dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all."

--Jack Benny and his magic violin

To truly be a master of the drawing room, you must master the art of telling a joke. Jokes are a part of our society that are taken for granted these days and rarely given the consideration that they deserve. Most people tell the wrong jokes and at the wrong times. As a consequence, classier people tend to avoid the art of joke telling, for fear of being associated with the wrong type of crowd. But if you learn a few things about telling jokes, you will stand out as a master in this classic tradition, and you can help guide those around you.

First, know when to stop. Jokes, like card tricks, are often abused by amateurs. One or two is enough. Leave those around you wanting more. The purpose of telling jokes is not to be the center of attention, but to create an atmosphere where everyone around you can shine.

In order to create that atmosphere you must know several good, clean jokes. Today dirty jokes are dime-a-dozen and you will rise above that level if you have a command of clean jokes. A good, clean joke is one of the most useful tools a man can have.

Know the difference between the long joke and the short joke. Typically the short joke is the most useful. Don't waste people's time. Set 'em up and knock 'em down. If you have told a couple of jokes and your public is demanding more, then you can deliver a long joke. But to be a master, you need to know the difference, and know when to tell them. Remember the advice of Shakespeare, "Brevity is the soul of wit."

Comedy is one tenth knowing when to talk and nine tenths knowing when to pause. When Johnny Carson asked Jack Benny the secret of comedy, Benny paused for at least 25 seconds (the audience laughing the entire time) before he slowly answered, "timing."

A few short jokes to consider:

• Did you hear the one about the two sausages frying in a pan. The first sausage says "Is it hot in here?" The second sausage says, "My God, it's a talking sausage!"

• What does cheese say when it has its picture taken?

• A waiter comes to a table with a piece of apple pie. He scoops a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top, drops the whole plate on the floor, and smashes it with his foot. Then he puts the whole plate in front of the customer. The customer says, "What did you do that for?" The waiter says, "You said to bring you some apple pie and step on it!"

• Did you hear the NASA is opening a restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's no atmosphere.

• What did one guppy say to the other? (Don't say anything, just make a few of your best fish faces.)

• I slept like a baby last night... I cried for hours and wet myself.

• A doctor says to his patient, "Well, you only have about two minutes left to live." The patient says, "Isn't there anything you can do for me?" The doctor says, "well I can boil you an egg."

And if you really want to crack up some old people, finish by saying, "Well that's the last time I steal a joke from Jack Benny."

These jokes may not be the best, but they are a start. Learn these, and at least you'll have a couple of clean jokes when you need them. [Note: Those are just a few examples of jokes. There are hundreds of thousands to choose from, in hundreds of books. Pick up an old book by Milton Berle and you'll have a repertoire that hasn't been heard in 60 years. Some jokes crack up kids, others crack up senior citizens. Discretion is the better part of valor. You don't have to tell jokes, if you don't want to. The important thing is that in the event that you do want to tell a joke, you don't come up blank. So learn some jokes. Practice them. Make them your own. Give them a try. They might be just what you need some day.]

Here are a couple jokes of the long variety. Remember, when you tell a long joke, the humor should come from the joke itself, not the punchline. People should be engaged, maybe even laughing, from the setup alone. The punchline is the finish, but not the joke. If nobody is smiling during the setup, the punchline won't save you. So learn these long jokes like they are a script for a play. Practice them. Make them sing. If you do that, the punchline will be a knock-out blow.

Long Joke Number 1: The Wide Mouthed Frog

A wide mouthed frog was hopping through the jungle and came across a giraffe. The wide-mouthed frog says, (here you put your index fingers in your mouth, making your cheeks stick out. This will make it hard to speak and you will spit all over, so much the better) "Hey Mrs. Giraffe, what do you feed your babies?" (Now, take your fingers out of your mouth.) The giraffe says, "Wide Mouth Frog, every time you see me you ask me what I feed my babies, now go bother someone else for a change."

Wide Mouth frog goes hopping through the jungle and comes across an Elephant. Wide Mouth Frog says, (repeat fingers in mouth business) "Hey Mrs. Elephant, what do you feed your babies?" Mrs. Elephant says, "Wide Mouth Frog, every day you ask me this! Don't bother me today, just leave me alone. Just get out of here! All right? Just go!"

Wide Mouth Frog goes off hopping through the jungle and comes across an Alligator. "Wide Mouth Frog says, (with the usual voice) "Hey Mrs. Alligator, what do you feed your babies?" Mrs. Alligator says, (make a deep alligator voice) "Wide Mouthed Frogs!"

Wide Mouth Frog says, (Now instead of putting your fingers in your mouth, pucker your lips out very narrowly) "Oh, really!"

Long Joke Number 2: The Bavarian Cream Pie

My grandpa was stationed in Germany after the war. And when I was very small he told me about this little restaurant that served THE best Bavarian cream pie. Apparently he went there every opportunity he had. He couldn't get enough of that Bavarian cream pie - it was absolutely unreal.

Well, a few years ago, my grandpa found out that he had a terminal illness, and only had a few months left to live. So, he booked a deluxe vacation cruise to Europe that would eventually take him to that little town in Germany with the famous Bavarian cream pie.

A few weeks into the cruise, the ship started slowly sinking off of the coast of Portugal. I don't know if you remember that, but it was all over the news at the time. Well the life raft that my grandpa was in also turned out to be slowly leaking. So he helped all of the people that were in his life raft onto another one, but he wouldn't get on himself because it was already so overloaded. So, my grandpa, and I'm not making this up. This was in the news. My grandpa, at 84 years old, swims for over a mile in the Atlantic Ocean to the coast of Portugal.

Water-logged and exhausted, he hitches a ride and gets dropped off about 100 miles outside his destination in Germany. Trying to cross a main highway, he gets clipped by the side mirror of a car, but not badly, and he manages to hitch another ride with some people headed for Germany.

Eventually he catches a bus and arrives in this little town in Germany that he remembered from his youth. He's thrilled to find the old restaurant that he'd loved so much 60 years ago, and he walks in and takes his usual seat at the table by the window. The waitress comes over and my grandpa says, (my grandpa spoke German fluently, by the way), he says, "I know exactly what I want. You have no idea what I've had to go through to get here. I would love a nice big slice of your wonderful Bavarian cream pie."

The waitress says, "Sorry, Sir - but we're all out of Bavarian cream."

My grandpa says, "Apple's fine."