Juggling: The Old Eating the Apple Trick

If you've gotten pretty good at juggling and you're looking for a show stopping trick, then here is the trick for you. Despite its simplicity, this trick is considered by many members of the public to be among the most difficult juggling feats imaginable (short of chainsaws or flaming bowling balls, of course). This trick is detested by most professional jugglers for precisely that reason. Many jugglers have juggled five clubs behind their backs, or seven balls under double pirouettes, only to be asked the stale and inevitable question: Can you juggle while eating an apple?

Jugglers hate that. But their loss is your gain. Once you've mastered the eating the apple trick, the public may mistake you for the greatest juggler of all time. (FYI, unless your name is Anthony Gatto, you are not the greatest juggler of all time, so don't buy into the hype. Francis Brunn also qualifies, but he is certainly not reading this.) Be honest with people. Don't tell them that this is the toughest juggling trick in the world, because it isn't even close. But do feel free to say, "Hey, do you want to watch me juggle and eat an apple?" People will watch.

(Before I explain how to do this trick, a warning: Juggling while eating an apple can be potentially dangerous. If you do it sloppily, you could wind up choking on an apple. Don't choke on the apple. In fact, don't even eat the apple. Just bite off a chunk, chew it up a bit, and spit it out while talking. Spitting apple chunks in every direction is the built in comic device that has made this trick so popular with the public. But watch out, if you start choking people may think it's part of the act.)

Did you read the disclaimer? I hope so. If not, go back and read it. In case you've skipped it, and now you're continuing to read, I'll repeat it. This trick poses a choking hazard. Don't swallow the apple bits. Just bite, chew and spit.

Okay. To eat an apple while juggling there are two major techniques. The first technique is simply to begin juggling two balls and an apple. Then, throw one ball higher than usual and using the extra second afforded to you by the high toss bring the apple to your mouth and bite off a chunk. Return that hand to the catching position in time to throw the bitten apple and make the catch. This can be repeated with either hand. Anytime the the bitten apple is in the air, you can make the next throw a high toss, catch the bitten apple, and take a bite. And anytime the bitten apple is in a hand you may make a high toss with the opposite hand and take a bite during the pause.

Of course, the difficult part is to remember to continue talking and spitting apple chunks without accidentally choking to death. If you find this trick difficult, continue practicing your basic three ball cascade until it is virtually automatic. Then begin making an occasional high toss. Try tapping a ball to your chin while waiting for the high toss to come back down. Eventually, you will find the timing. (Consult the video for visual demonstrations.)

An even easier way to perform this trick is to learn to juggle two balls in one hand. Learning to juggle two balls in one hand is easier than learning to juggle three balls in two hands, so for you it should be no problem. Hold two balls in one hand. You'll want the balls to stay on the same plane that they are on when you juggle three. They can be juggled in an oval shaped pattern either away from the center of the body or toward the center of the body. Away from the body center is easiest. I believe this is called a two ball outside fountain. Give it a try.

How'd that go? No problem? It's always a good idea to practice with both hands so that your body stays balanced. You will also be able to eat the apple faster if you have the ability to alternate hands. The trick is merely to juggle two balls in one hand while the free hand raises the apple to your mouth and you take a bite. This is repeated and alternated in both hands until the apple is significantly eaten. Then toss the apple core to a happy child.

You can also combine both of the above methods in whichever way you wish. The same trick can also be performed with a banana. Juggle two apples in one hand while using your teeth to peel the banana. Then switch hands, take a bite, switch again and repeat until the banana is eaten. The banana will pose a significanly reduced choking risk. And everybody knows that bananas are just funny.

But don't throw the banana peel on the ground. They're dangerous.

Dice: Fate, Chance, Skill and Pigs

Dice are handy, classy objects that seem to get very little play today, despite being among the most awesome things a man dig out of his pockets. Dice are the very symbol of fate, chance and gambling, and I can't think of the last time I've seen anyone roll a die outside of a casino or a game of Chutes and Ladders. There is no reason for that. They take up even less space than a pack of playing cards, and if you pick up a nice set of bone or wooden ones, you're just that much more stylish.

The history of dice is a long and interesting one, but here I will only mention that loaded or "crooked" dice, significantly predate the "honest" ones. Many early dice were carved from pig or calf ankles (called knuckles) and today dice are still occasionally referred to as knuckles or bones. One classic dice game described in John Scarne's definitive 1945 book, Scarne on Dice is called "Pig," possibly owing to the origin of early dice. Regardless, the rules are simple:

The player with the highest roll goes first. Each turn, a player repeatedly rolls the die until either a 1 is rolled or the player passes. If the player passes before a 1 is rolled he or she will score the sum of the rolls on that turn. If a 1 is rolled before the player passes then no points are scored on that turn. A player must score 20 points to enter the game, and the first to score 100 points (provided that no other players reach 100 points during the same round) is the winner. If two or more players reach 100 points during the same round, a playoff will occur during which those players will attempt to outscore each other until a clear victor is determined.

This game can also be played with two dice. In this version, all rules are identical, with the following exceptions: If a single 1 is rolled, that player's turn is over and no points are awarded for that round. If double 1's are rolled, then that player loses all points accumulated thus far in the game. All other double rolls count as double the amount showing (for example, double 4's would yield 16 points).

A third variation is to play with pigs. A marketed version exists called "Pass the Pigs" in which two small rubber pigs are rolled. Depending on whether the pigs land on their feet, backs, snouts, or sides, different points are awarded. Should the two pigs land touching each other, that player "pigs out" or loses all accumulated points. In the unlikely event that the pigs are touching each other inappropriately (called "makin' bacon" in the older versions, I believe) then that player is barred forever from the game.

Don't be fooled, though, this is not merely a game of chance, but skill.

To my knowledge no "shaved" or "loaded" pigs exist, but I would not rule out the option.

Chocolate Chip Cookies: The Patriotic Cookies

What is there to say about chocolate chip cookies that hasn't already been said? The origin is a little disputed, but it is clear that the cookies were invented in 1934 by Ruth Wakefield at the Toll House Inn in Whitman, Massachusetts. Apparently, she had run out of baking cocoa powder to make chocolate cookies, so instead used broken up chunks of Nestle semi-sweet chocolate bars. During WWII, soldiers from Massachusetts shared the cookies in their care packages with soldiers from all over the country and soon the cookies were a nation wide craze. One story claims that Mrs. Wakefield traded the recipe to Nestle for a lifetime supply of chocolate chips.

These cookies are a tasty and quintessential American treat that Europeans had absolutely nothing to do with (well, except for starting the war). These cookies are as red, white and blue as cookies can get, without actually being red, white or blue.

I won't repeat the recipe here, because it is literally on the back of every package of Toll House chocolate chips in the world, but I will add a couple of interesting tips and techniques that might help you on your way.

• The first tip is the most important and useful. There is no need to cook off the entire batch all at once. Fresh cookies warm from the oven are the best. This is an undisputed fact. So, cook only the necessary number of cookies. Wrap the remaining dough in cellophane and keep it in the refrigerator. The dough will stay perfectly good for a week or two (it's highly unlikely that the dough will be around that long, anyway). Anytime you are in the mood for warm cookies, just preheat the oven and cook a few.

• Experiment with flour. The proper amount of flour to use varies slightly due to scientific variables such as altitude, settling and density. Without going into the chemistry debates, I'll just say this. Be prepared to use (approximately) an extra 1/2 cup of flour. You'll want a nice thick, not runny, dough.

• Also for chemistry reasons, it is best to allow the butter to soften at room temperature, rather than melt it in a microwave or pan. Once butter has melted, its chemical properties forever change, resulting in runnier cookies.

• Chill your dough before cooking. You'll want the butter to resolidify before baking. Great bakers even advise a chilled cookie sheet.

• Use unsalted butter, since salt is already called for in the recipe.

• My only other piece of advice is to serve these cookies with a glass of milk.

Old Fashioned Cinnamon Rolls: Like Grandma Used To Make

If the bridge ladies are coming over and you want to do a little something extra, I submit for your consideration: Old-fashioned cinnamon rolls. These gooey cinnamon rolls don't take too long to make, taste as good as any you could buy, fill the house with the smell of dough and cinnamon, and just generally impress.

Here is a classic recipe for Old-fashioned cinnamon rolls that are, dare I say it, just like Grandma used to make:

Ingredients:
1 package of active dry yeast
1/2 cup very warm water
1/2 cup lukewarm milk (scalded then cooled)
1/2 cup sugar
1/3 cup butter, softened (softened at room temp, not in microwave)
1 teaspoon salt
1 egg
3 1/2 to 4 cups all-purpose flour

Cinnamon Mixture:
2 tablespoons butter, melted
1/2 cup sugar
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

Glaze:
1 cup powdered sugar
1 tablespoon milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

• Dissolve the yeast in the warm water in a large bowl. Stir in the milk, sugar, butter, salt, egg and two cups of the flour. Whisk until smooth. Mix in enough remaining flour that the dough easy to handle.

• Place the dough on a lightly floured surface and knead it until it becomes smooth and elastic (about 5 minutes). Place the dough ball in a greased bowl and cover. Let the dough rise in a warm place until it doubles in size (about 90 minutes). The dough is ready when an indentation remains when touched. If you are preparing these cinnamon rolls for your daughter's sleepover friends, this is a good time to tell them that the dough will continue to grow forever, so they should eat it before it eats them. You shouldn't actually lie to children. But it is fun.

• Punch down the dough and roll it out on a lightly floured surface into a rectangle about 9-x 18 inches. Once rolled, spread with melted butter. Mix the sugar and cinnamon together in small dish and sprinkle over the dough.

• Roll the dough lengthwise into a long tube. Seal well by pinching the edges of roll the together. Stretch the roll to make it even. Cut it into approximately two inch slices. Place the slices a little apart on greased pan or cookie sheet (they will grow significantly in the oven, so leave space).

• Cover and let rise until double they once again double in bulk. This will take about 35 to 40 minutes.

• Heat oven to about 375 degrees. Bake until they begin to turn golden brown and then remove them. (The secret to gooey cinnamon rolls is to not overcook them. Remove them as they begin to show signs of being cooked, because they will continue to cook even when removed.)

• Make the glaze by mixing powdered sugar, milk and vanilla together in a small dish. Mix it until it becomes the desired consistency. Add a little more milk if the frosting is too thick; a little more sugar if it's too runny. (Note: these rolls also taste very good without frosting, so that decision is left to you.)
  

As long as you start early, so that you have plenty of time to let the dough rise, these are pretty easy to make. It's worth trying this recipe just to experience that smell of yeast and dough that fills the house. And they really do taste as good as the ones at that other place. Everybody will say so.

And the next time your daughter and her friends run up to you screaming, "Make us cinnamon rolls. Make us cinnamon rolls. You can say what Grandpa always said, "Poof. You're cinnamon rolls." It's not the best joke in the world. But it'll do in a pinch.

Coin Trick: A Must Know for a Fun Older Relative

Coin tricks are an important skill for anyone wishing to be a fun older relative. There are two types of coin tricks; those that require skill and those that don't. I'll start by teaching a great coin trick that requires no skill, other than a little bit of convincing acting.

This trick must be performed for (at the least) a small group of people. This trick is often described as a "barehanded vanish of a coin under test conditions." Sounds impressive, no? Do not underestimate this trick because of its nefarious methodology. It is precisely that direct and nefarious methodology that makes this a powerful effect. It is a better trick than many others requiring a significant level of skill.

Allow a coin to be examined. If you are going for bonus older relative points, the coin should be a silver dollar, or at the very least a 50 cent piece. Roll up your sleeves. Do not neglect this important opportunity to build suspense.

Place the coin on your outstretched palm. Cover the coin with a pocket silk. Allow a member of the audience to reach underneath the silk and touch the coin to verify its presence. Repeat this process with several other members of the audience. When a number of people have verified that the coin is still present, you will very slowly (and with maximum dramatic impact) remove the silk, showing that the coin has vanished.

Later the coin may be reproduced in any manner you desire.

Have you figured out the method yet? As they say in magic books: the secret is simplicity itself. The last person to reach underneath the pocket silk was in actuality, your confederate. This person (choose wisely, you'll want someone who is above all suspicion) removed the coin in the lightly curled fingers of his or her hand while pretending to verify that the coin was still there.

This person may later "plant" the coin in an agreed upon location, or you may use a "pre-planted duplicate" to reproduce the coin, if desired.

There you go. Perform it correctly, and you'll have one of the strongest coin effects in the history of magic.

Marbles: So Old, It's New

On those days when you're feeling pummeled by technology, why not unplug everything for an hour and play marbles. You heard me. This is good, old-fashioned type stuff. Dig out a jar of marbles and dig deep into nostalgia. You may even be able to stretch back into your memory and recall your grandpa. That's who taught me how to play. Well, mine, not yours. I was probably about six.

First, we took turns carefully selecting our marbles from the large clear glass candy jar they were kept in. I remember I always had to have the one that was a perfect robin's egg blue and another one that had a white and yellow splotch and a burnt red strip in its center that we called bacon and eggs. Ultimately, we each chose six marbles. I don't remember what the colors of the other ones may have been but I do know that Grandpa presided over this selection ceremony in a very solemn manner and I always strove to make as strategic choices as possible.

Next, we went outside and Grandpa would draw a very large circle on the driveway. Of course, I was little, so everything seemed huge. Our 12 marbles were arranged in the shape of an “X” inside the ring. A neutral marble was laid in the center and then we lined out six in one direction and six in the other. Who went first was determined by “lagging.” That's when each player kneels down, puts their knuckles on the outside of the circle and flips their large “Shooter” marble as close to the opposite boundary as possible. I always had to have the orange colored cats-eye Shooter. It seemed almost magical. The person whose marble lands closest to the opposite side, without going over, gets to go first.

Now it's a matter of trying to shoot each other's marbles out of the ring while keeping your Shooter in the ring. Your Shooter acts like the cue ball in pool. As long as it stays in the ring and you shoot out your opponent's little marble, you can keep going and pick up your next shot from where the Shooter lies. If your Shooter shoots out of the large ring or you fail to hit a marble out of the ring, your turn is up and it's the other player's chance. If you accidentally shoot one of your own marbles out, your turn is also over and that marble counts for your opponent. First one to shoot out all of the opponent's marbles, plus the seventh neutral one, wins.

I never did it, but Grandad could easily shoot out all of those seven marbles consecutively. He could even call out which one was going out next, just like pool. I remember he only did it a couple of times and then I think he decided to take it easier on me so I would keep on playing. Grandma probably talked to him.

There are as many marble games as there are grandfathers and I don't think there's anything wrong with making up a new game either. The important thing is to get out of the ordinary video game rut and try something new. Try something old. Teach a child. They'll remember you for it.

Or to really spice things up, play for "keepsies."

Wine: Fiasco, The Manly Candle

Candles are nice, but occasionally have a little too much feminine quality to them. A friend of mine recently inquired whether I could invent a "manly candle." I immediately responded that the "manly candle" was invented centuries ago and continues to endure.

The famous Italian bottles of Chianti with the wicker bases (which help stabilize the top heavy bottle design) are technically called, fiascos. Fiasco is the Italian word for flask, or bottle, but ironically led to the English word meaning, a complete failure or disaster. Whether the evolution of the word is related to the unstable shape of the bottle itself, or the fact that those who drink too much of its content are similarly "tipsy" is unclear but players of the Commedia dell'Arte who flopped on stage, were said to have "made a fiasco."

Etamology aside, you should buy a few of these bottles. Drink, cook with, or dump the contents depending on your attitude toward "table wine." The empty bottles will make excellent candle holders. Heat up the bottom inch or two of a candle and jam it in the mouth of the bottle so that there is no risk of the candle making its own fiasco. These holders can last you the rest of your lifetime. As the years go by they will become covered with inches of lovely melted multi-colored waxes. Se bellisimo!

Wine: A Few Tips on Serving

Choosing the right bottle of wine is something that is entirely up to you. Whether you are the type that likes cheap wine ("table wine") or prefers the more expensive bottles, only you can decide. Personally, I prefer table wine for most evenings and save the nicer bottles for special occasions. That's just me, though, others have very different tastes. Here are just a couple of points that are worth keeping mind:

• The types of wine you serve and what you serve it with is left to your own discretion, but avoid making the classic mistake of serving red wine with fish. People will talk.

• Today, most people serve white wines too cold and red wines too warm. The "serve red wines at room temperature" rule is a holdover from days when people lived in damp, cool, castles with damp, cool, wine cellars. Today most houses are considerably more heated than their medieval counterparts, and a bottle of room temperature wine would be decidedly too warm. Adjust for this with the 20/20 rule. Twenty minutes before serving dinner, put a bottle of red wine into the refrigerator, and take the bottle of white wine out. (I once spent a winter in Seattle living in a house with no heating. The red wines served at room temperature were delicious.)

• Some nice wines these days come with bottle caps instead of corks. This is okay. Some believe that bottle caps may improve the wine, because they eliminate the possibility of the wine being infected by the cork, or "corked."

• Use a pocket knife or the knife on the corkscrew to remove the foil from the top of the bottle. Then, use the corkscrew to remove the cork. Don't screw too deeply or you'll risk tainting the wine with cork bits. Remove the cork, using the leverage device on the corkscrew, or brute strength if you've got it. It takes about 100 pounds of direct pressure to remove a cork. Don't spill!

• Speaking of not spilling, while pouring the wine, there is always one last drop that clings to the mouth of the bottle. When you set the bottle upright, that drop will run down the bottle and stain the label and/or tablecloth. There are several ways to deal with this drip, but licking it off isn't one. The best technique is to use your elbow and wrist to rotate the bottle after pouring, causing the drop of wine to coat the entire mouth of the bottle and thus, cease to be a drop.

Shaving: The Lost Art of Old School Shaving

Take a look at the ad above from 1905. When I bought my first safety razor over 100 years later, I paid the same price!

Shaving is something that men need to do constantly, and typically don't enjoy. But it doesn't have to be so bad. One of the major problems for men these days, when it comes to shaving, is that nobody ever taught them how to do it. The old days of fathers teaching sons to shave, have passed. What is there to teach? Buy a can of shaving and some razors and shave, right?

Not really. There is a lot to teach. And most men today don't know these things. One little known fact is that the first ingredient in shaving creams is acid. Another little discussed fact is that razor companies have progressively increased the number of blades men shave with from a single blade (1900-1960) to five bladed cartridges today! For some men (think Bluto from Popeye) this might be necessary, but for the rest, it is not. These blades, with their lift and cut technology are one of the leading causes of skin problems for men. Lifting and cutting blades lead to ingrown hairs which then become red, swollen and infected. Don't fall for what the razor blade companies tell you in the commercials. Don't let them force you to buy more and more expensive blades that you don't need.

Here is a little information about how to get an inexpensive babies butt shave, without destroying your skin, like your grandpa used to do.

• First, shower or wash your face with hot water. This cleans the surface, opens the pores and softens the hairs.

• Look around and find an old school lathering brush and a bar of shaving soap or shaving foam. I live in Paris and found everything I needed at the department store. In the US, you might have to look around a little. Soak the brush in hot water for a minute. Flick the excess water off of the brush and swirl it on the soap (or foam) until it gets very lathery and frothy. Lather it on your face. (Here you will look cooler than if you use the aerosol type, because it will cover your face evenly and smoothly, and you won't look like Santa Clause). Rinse the brush in the hot water, flick off the excess and set it on the shelf to dry.

• You'll want to have one of those old safety razors where the handle unscrews and you can put in double edged razor blade. I went to the flea market and found an old aluminum Gillete Tech from the 1950s for five Euros (the 1905 price)! You could also find them in antique shops or you can buy them new or used online. They often sell very cheaply. You'll also need a packet of blades made specifically for shaving. These will be available wherever you buy your lathering brush.

• Now, gently holding the razor by the lower part of the handle, begin to shave. The razor should be against your face at an angle of approximately 45 degrees (or a bit less). Do not apply pressure. The weight of the razor will be enough to shave. Always shave with the grain, not against. Think in terms of "cutting the hairs really short" not "shaving them entirely off." Ease into the process as slowly as you need to in order to feel comfortable. Change the blades once every week or two, or as they become dull. Change them as often as you like, they only cost about 25 cents each.

• Now rinse your face with hot water.

• And now splash your face with cold water to close the pores.

• Use an astringent and a cotton pad to return the p.h. balance to your skin (which is thrown off by the acid levels in the shaving foam). This also removes all of the remaining specks of hair and foam debris left after shaving.

• Use a gentle aftershave to heal your skin from the shaving process. Don't use the type that doubles as cologne because those are high in alcohol content and will dry out your skin. Use an aftershave balm or lotion.

That's it. Now you know. Shaving is yet another example of technology not actually improving on something. Not only is the old school method better for the skin, it's also cheaper and more fun. With a nice smelling foam, a fun lathering process, a cool old razor and a soothing aftershave, you might actually start to look forward to shaving. How many guys get to say that?

Coca-Cola: The Pause that Refreshes

"Housework brings that urge to pause and relax in an easy chair. Do it... with ice-cold Coca-Cola. It add to relaxation what relaxation always needs... pure, wholesome refreshment."

You know what goes well with a game of chess. Well, lots of things, actually: cigars, Martinis, espresso, Mexican hot chocolate... But if you're not in the mood for any of those things and you just want a quick easy beverage to share with someone, how about popping the top off an eight ounce bottle of Coke?

I'm not trying to advertise for them. They didn't pay me anything. But here's why I like those eight ounce glass bottles that you can still occasionally find: They taste good. Eight ounces is a relatively reasonable serving size. And they have a cute nostalgic quality that people really like.

It doesn't have to be Coke, either. A bottle of root beer is equally charming in the nostalgic category, and arguably tastes even better. Orange soda doesn't lag far behind.

But, for me, I'll always think of Coke, because I once moved to New Orleans just so that I could meet my childhood hero, and when I met him one scorching summer's day he offered me a bottle of Coke. I won't tell the whole story here, but that's the drift of it, and I suppose the moral of the story is:

If you want to be a really classy host on a hot summer's day, have a couple of cold bottle of Coke in the fridge, just in case. Or root beer. Or orange soda. Because that's just the kind of classy guy you are.

Chess: There's Just Not Enough of it Out There

I won't teach you how to play chess, here. Either you already know how to play chess, or you don't. If you don't already know how to play, than you have two choices: Learn to play, or play checkers. Either are fine options. Even chess players could benefit from playing the occasional game of checkers. Both are classic.

If you decide to learn, you should learn from someone personally. It's more fun that way.

There are two types of chess players: those who think they know how to play, and those who actually know how to play. People who actually know how to play are pretty rare and probably have Russian sounding names. These people know gambits and basically attempt to learn each of the nearly infinite potential combinations that can occur on a chess board. You don't need to be that way, although if you are, I would love it if you would teach me some things.

I think that people should play more chess. I love to play, and I haven't played in years because none of my friends play. That is the point of this essay. I think that more chess should be being played, in cafes, in parks, at schools, so I appeal to you. Get a nice board for home, and cheaper set you can throw in a back pack, and play chess more. Or checkers, if that's your thing.

Hot Chocolate: The Mexican Way

Who doesn't love hot chocolate? I mean really, who doesn't? I dare somebody not to like hot chocolate. I would be very suspicious of someone who didn't like hot chocolate. Well, the lactose intolerant perhaps, because they might be used to the paper envelope in the boiling water type. But everyone else, I dare you.

Instead of just mixing chocolate powder in milk on the next snowy morning or blustery evening, why not make something a little more authentic and interesting, like Mexican hot chocolate?

There are many variations, but here, I will provide a simple one.

• Use two cups of milk to serve two people. Whole milk will be richer. Live life.

• For two cups of milk, use four ounces of dark bitter chocolate (better yet, if you can find it, use a four ounce disk of Mexican chocolate, such as Ibarra).

• A splash of vanilla (real vanilla if possible).

First add a little splash of vanilla to the milk. Warm up the milk and the chocolate until the chocolate is melted and the milk begins to boil. Remove it from the heat and whisk with vigor to make your hot chocolate extra frothy. Pour into nice mugs. Do not pour this beautiful chocolate into a coffee mug that you got for free from your insurance company. Respect your hot chocolate by serving it in appropriate mugs. If you're with someone special, there is enough for both of you. If you are planning to curl up alone with a good book, congratulations, you can have both mugs. If you have kids, I hope you doubled the recipe.

You can add a dash of cinnamon if you like, or even chili powder, or both. If you prefer yours a little less bitter, add a spoonful of sugar. If you have an electric mixer than you can whip up some fresh heavy whipping cream with or without a little sugar, and scoop some on top.

Move somewhere where it snows a lot, and enjoy!

(Note: I learned a trick from a friend, who learned this trick from Martha Stewart, and now I'll pass it along to you. If you whip up a big batch of whipping cream, you can put scoops of it on a sheet of wax paper and freeze them. When they're frozen, put them in a airtight container and whenever you want, you can grab a frozen ball of whipped cream and toss it into your hot chocolate. It'll keep your drink from being scalding hot, and taste great, too. It beats the aerosol stuff in a can, that's for sure.)

Cigars: The Basics

"When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage... When you can't think of what you are supposed to say next, you take a puff on your cigar until you do think of your next line."

-- George Burns

There is a lot to learn about cigars. But luckily, there is not much that one has to learn. Here, I will include only the very basics about cigar smoking, should you choose to smoke a cigar.

Size, shape and color-- A cigar is not like a suit. It is not something that you will be wearing for the next twenty years. People will not look at you and make assumptions about you by the type of cigar that is inside your inner breast pocket. When choosing a cigar, choose the one that has a shape, color and price that suits your mood. However, there are a couple of points to keep in mind.

Different cigar names are associated with different shapes and sizes, but there is no universal standard. In general, Churchills are long and fat, Rothschilds are short, etc. I wouldn't worry about it, instead choose the size based on the amount of tobacco that you want to smoke and the time you'll have in which to do it.

Nicer cigars are called long-filler, meaning that the cigar is made with tobacco leaves which run the entire length of the cigar. Cheaper cigars are short-filler, meaning that the cigar is made from a bunch of "scraps" of tobacco leaf. Long filler cigars will "burn" better, but aside from reading the label on the box, it is it difficult to distinguish between the two without destroying the cigar. To quote Shakespeare, "As costly thy habit as thy purse can afford."

Cuban cigars are nice, but generally overhyped. Smoke them if they're available, but don't buy into any nonsense that only Cuban cigars are worth smoking. George Burns was famous for buying the 99 cent cigars to give out (that was a lot back then) but smoking the 5 cent cigars himself. That is not bad advice. If the cigar shop you are in produces its own house brand, why not give it a try?

When it's time to smoke the cigar there are three big questions. How to cut it, how to light it, and what to do with the cigar band. They'll cut it and light it for you at the shop, if you're going to smoke it right away.

The Cut-- Cut it with a cigar cutter if you have one, or you can just use your teeth to remove the paper at the tip. There is nothing wrong with biting the cigar, just don't bite into the tobacco.

The Light-- Light it with a butane cigar lighter if you have one, or you can just light it with wooden matches. Ask for matches when you buy your cigars and they'll give you a couple of boxes. Paper matches are too short and don't work. Cigarette lighters will fill the cigar with lighter fluid fumes. Hold three wooden matches, strike them all at once, and light the thing while puffing. (You do know that you never inhale cigar smoke right?)

The Band-- The band may be removed whenever you want, as long as it is removed before it burns. If the cigar marks a special occasion, save the band.

(Two notes: Try not to flick the ash, because you might also extinuguish part of the flame. Just let it get longer and longer until it falls off on its own. You can help it along a little, but be careful of your flame. Rotate the cigar as you smoke it, and you will help ensure an even burn. If one side of the cigar is burning significanly faster than the other, you'll need to relight it.)

That, and a nice glass of scotch on rocks, outta do it.

Sewing: Win Hearts with a Hand Stitched Teddy Bear

You've got your own sewing kit. You've attached a few buttons. You've made a few repairs and a few friends. You know how to secure threads and bury looses ends. It's time to put that knowledge to good use by hand stitching a teddy bear. A four carat diamond doesn't even say "I love you" like a hand sewn teddy bear.

And you can do it. It will take time, but not too much. If you put in an hour a day, the project should be over in less than two weeks. We live in a society that defines "making a teddy bear" as going to a store in the mall, pointing to a limp bear, and watching as a machine stuffs it with the requested amount of fluff. Ha! Not you. You are the man who keeps the past alive. You are a man's man and a woman's man, all at once!

Here's how to do it:

• Go to a local fabric store. Look through their pattern books and pick out your favorite pattern for a classic teddy bear.

• Pick up the necessary amount (usually a yard or two) of your chosen fabric. (The furry fabrics are okay, but tough to use; also consider buttersuede, or corduroy.)

• Pick up some thread. Since you're hand stitching, you'll probably want to use embroidery thread. You'll also need a pack of embroidery thread needles. Choose some colors of thread that match the fabric and some that slightly contrast, to use for accents. And brown for the nose.

• Select two really nice buttons for the eyes. Not fake teddy bear eyes, but old school buttons.

• You'll also want to make sure that you have a scrap of felt to give shape to the nose. Also, it's nice to have a few scraps of different fabrics if you want to make a bow tie or some appliques (shapes that you cut out of fabric and attach by sewing around the entire edge of the shape; often heart shapes).

• Grab a bag of stuffing, and you're ready to go.

Follow the directions, but don't stress about every little detail. Don't worry about making the darts and notches to minimize bunching. Just cut out the shapes. Stitch them together where you're supposed to using an over and under stitch about quarter inch away from the edge. (Just be sure that when you finish a stitch you finish it with a knot.) Attach the pieces in the proper order. And voila!

You're an artist, so the rest is up to you!

Sew A Button: The Gateway to Bigger Sewing Jobs

A man with class should have a sewing kit, a nice one, with a cloth measuring tape, needles, spools of thread, a seam ripper and a tomato shaped pin cushion. (What's a sewing kit without a tomato pin cushion?) Put everthing in a nice wooden cigar box and it will demand respect. We are living in a disposable age. If something rips, we throw it out. If a button falls off, we throw out the whole jacket. If a seam unravels, we throw out the whole coat. The man with class knows better. At the root of class, lies respect. With proper attention, care and respect, the clothing around you will be healthy and happy for a very long time. The same can be said for everything in a man's life.

There are two points I would like to make clear. First, the skills required to sew on a button, are very similar to the skills needed to make more complex repairs; By learning to attach buttons, you are learning to sew. Second, prevention is as important as repair. A stitch in time saves nine, right? Make the repairs when they first become necessary and the repairs will take only moments. One of the joys of making quick sewing repairs is the knowledge that those are the little types of jobs that so often go undone in other households. But not on your watch. You are not intimidated by those little projects. You are the guy who gets those jobs done.

Threading the Needle-- Pick an appropriate colored thread and cut off a very long length (about a yard). In the beginning, you'll want to use a needle with large eye. Over time, as you become better at threading needles, you can decrease the size. Do not use those wire needle threaders. Stick to tradition. Personally, I can thread a needle behind my back (I'll teach you to do it a little later). One trick to threading a needle is to hold the end of the thread so it only just barely protrudes from between the tips of your pinched index finger and thumb. Think about putting the eye of the needle over the thread instead of the other way around. With a little practice you'll be doing it in no time.

Got it yet? Pull the needle to the half way point, so that the ends of the thread are even. You'll be using a doubled up thread to attach buttons, meaning that you can get by with half as many stitches.

The Pick Stitch-- Another point to keep in mind is that if the material you are attaching the button to is double layered, such as the wool in a suit jacket or overcoat, then it won't be necessary to go all the way through both layers of the fabric with the needle. Instead, use the needle as a "pick" so that it only passes through the top layer of fabric. This way there will be no evidence, from either side, that the button has been reattached.

If you are following very very closely, you might be thinking. "But, if I just pick through the top layer then won't that leave the knots and the loose ends of the thread on the topside of the coat?" Wow, you are very observant! That is an excellent question. If you were to fix a hole in a sock, for example, you would begin by turning the sock inside out (thus, when you are done, your knots and loose ends will be on the inside of the sock). But buttons are a little different because you don't want to leave any "work" showing on either side of the coat.

Bury the Loose Ends-- First, do not cut the threads near the knot. If you trim too near to the knot, sooner or later (probably sooner), it will come untied. If you trim further away from the knot, the ends will forever poke out screaming, "amateur!"

So, this is what you'll do. Thread both loose ends through a needle (both together or one at a time). Next, run the needle under the first layer of fabric (starting at a point directly under the button), then run it for a length of several inches and then back to the surface. Then, pull the threads tight, so that the coat bunches up a little bit for the length of those several inches. Now, snip the threads where they are emerging from the coat. The ends of the thread will vanish into the coat, between the two layers of fabric, never to be seen again.

That method will be useful anytime that you wish to bury loose ends of thread. If you are attaching a button with a stem on the back, then the above information should be all you need to get you started. If you are sewing on a classic button with holes, then there are a couple of more points to consider.

Make a Stem-- Typically, on coats and jackets, these buttons are not sewn flush with the jacket. They usually have a little slack, making them a little more functional. So, adjust accordingly. Leave the button securely fastened, but a little wobbly. Then, take your extra length of thread and wind it (many times) around all of the other threads between the button and the coat, forming a stem. Secure this by winding a large loop around the stem, threading the needle through the loop, pulling tightly, and repeating. Afterward, bury the loose ends as before.

Types of Stitches-- You can attach a four hole button with two parallel stitches, two cross stitches, or turn the button diagonally and makes a chicken's foot stitch. In the event that you use a chicken's foot stitch, the foot should always be "climbing up." But unless you want to reattach all of the buttons, it's probably best to just match the stitch on the other buttons.

Thread a needle behind your back-- I have heard of legendary tailors who could thread a needle behind their back, but I'm not so sure that they didn't just cheat like I do. Here's my cheat method. Thread a needle, and hold the thread between the tips of your thumb and index finger, with the needle concealed in your curled lower three fingers. It should look like you are merely holding a piece of thread. Pick up a needle with your other hand and place both hands behind your back. Now "pin" the loose needle to a safe place such as the inside of your jacket or the waistband of your trousers. Bring your hands forward to reveal the threaded needle. Accept the applause that you don't deserve.

Eventually the guilt will burden you, and you will probably just learn to do this trick legitimately. Don't forget to remove the extra needle at some point before you sit down.

The Moral to the Story-- Sewing buttons is fun!

Juggling: The Proper Three Ball Cascade and a Lesson About Life

Now let's learn to juggle three balls properly. Do not rush things. If you skip steps now, you will pay for it later. We are going to begin with just one ball. Practice with one ball first. Until you have mastered the basic throw and catch, don't even think about picking up the second ball. Likewise, until you have mastered two, resist the temptation to try with three. If you rush ahead, you will end up with bad habits, and breaking those bad habits will be hard and painful. Take your time. Be patient. Progress slowly. Relax. And don't forget to breathe.

Please note: The basic pattern for juggling an odd number of objects is called a cascade, meaning that the balls cross in front of your body. They do not travel a circular path, they cross. This is a common misconception about juggling. The circular pattern is a more difficult and advanced pattern called a shower. But you must first learn the cascade.

One ball-- Stand with your feet shoulder width apart. Elbows bent at about 90 degrees and close to your body. Forearms parallel to the ground. One ball in your favorite hand. Look straight ahead. Throw that ball into the air so that it makes an arc in the air in front of you. As it descends, it should fall precisely into your other hand. The highest point of the arc should be somewhere between eye level and a few inches higher than the top of your head. Then throw the ball in the exact same manner back to the original hand and repeat. And repeat. And repeat.

Here are some points to consider while practicing with one ball. You should not progress any further until you have mastered the following:

• You should not be moving your feet. At all. Be very strict about this rule, as if they are glued to the floor. Do not move them.

• Do not reach forward to make a catch. The secret of juggling is to make good throws, not good catches. You must throw the ball so that it falls with minimal effort into the waiting hand.

• Do not reach up to catch a ball. Let gravity bring the ball down into the waiting hand. If you reach up to make a catch, you are robbing yourself of potential time during which you will eventually need to be dealing with other balls.

• Do not look at your hands. If you look straight ahead you will see the balls clearly when they are at the peak of their arc. At that point it is easy to know where they will fall. Anticipate their descent. Be proactive, rather than reactive. Your brain is a high speed calculator. It can easily make the minimal adjustments necessary to catch the balls.

• Relax. Relax your shoulders. Breathe. Practice. Remember to make good throws. Try it a few times with your eyes closed. It should be possible. Make a perfect throw, and the catch will happen almost automatically.

• Absorb the impact of the catch slightly, as if the ball were an egg. Be smooth and gentle. These are not bricks that you are juggling. They are lightweight balls. Treat them like that. Practice a little longer.

Two Balls-- There is very little more to add here, except that now you will have one ball in each hand. The throws will be exactly the same. Got that? Exactly the same throws. Do not do anything differently. Catching is less important throwing. (You will not throw both balls to the same point. If you did, they would collide. Your left hand will throw to a point about 8 inches above, and 18 inches in front of your right shoulder. The right hand will throw to that same point but over and in front of the left shoulder. If the balls left a trail of smoke, those trails would cross approximately 18 inches in front of the center of your breast plate. I don't mean to make this seem difficult, it's really quite easy. Take a look at the video if you'd like a visual.) Throw the first ball. When it reaches the apex of it's parabola, throw the second ball so that it passes under the first. Catch the first. And then catch the second. Stop. Breathe. Try a few more times. Two throws, two catches and nothing more. Now try again, beginning with the other hand.

Remember do not move your feet. Do not reach forward to make the catches. Practice good throws. This is not a rushed procedure. Do not throw both balls at the same time. The whole process should take about four seconds.

• One- throw the first ball.
• Two- throw the second ball.
• Three- catch the first ball.
• Four- catch the second ball.

Now try alternating hands. Start with the right hand. Make two throws and two catches. Now start with the left hand. Make two throws and two catches. Try it with your eyes closes. It should be possible. Difficult, but possible. Relax. Take lots of breaks. Don't get frustrated. Relax. Have fun. Do not let the balls rule your emotions. They are just stupid little balls. You are the master. Got that? Ready to try three? Here goes nothing.

Three balls-- Nothing new happens now, either. Same timing. Same throws. The goal is to make three throws and three catches and then pause. Start with two balls in your favorite hand. The hand with two balls will throw first.

• When the first ball reaches its peak, throw the second ball and catch the first.

• When the second ball is at its peak, throw the third ball and catch the second.

• Then, catch the third in the hand that is now holding the first. (Try to catch it in your fingers, since the first ball is already in that hand.)

• You have just made three throws and three catches. You have just juggled.

Don't rush things. Don't move your feet. Make good throws. Don't reach forward. Look straight ahead. Do it again and again and again. Try starting in the other hand first. When you can consistently make three throws and three catches starting from either hand, move on to four throws. Then five. Then six. Each time a hand opens to throw a ball it will also catch one. Somewhere around twelve or fifteen throws, you will be able to stop counting and just juggle.

Congratulate yourself. You have just learned the most difficult skill in this book. Juggling is a metaphor for life. And you have just kicked its ass. That's just the kind of guy you are.

Juggling: Theory and A Simple Three Ball Trick

Juggling three balls proficiently is a skill that will announce loudly to those around you, "Yes, I do have too much free time; but no, that time was not wasted." When you casually juggle three oranges at the office, those around you will reflect sadly on all the time they have spent playing video games when they should have been learning to juggle. But you will not rub your victories in their faces. You will teach them to juggle. Because that's just the kind of guy you are.

Juggling three balls proficiently is also, by the way, a skill that takes some time and dedication to learn. Some will learn in months, others learn in less than an hour. I have taught hundreds of people to juggle from all walks of life (seriously, all walks of life). And all of them learned to juggle. This is not a testament to my skills as a teacher, but rather, a testament to unexplored abilities that lie within each and every human being. I have often heard the excuse, "but I'm not very coordinated, I can't learn to juggle." That is a lie.

You can learn to juggle. (If you don't have hands, you can still become very good at foot juggling.) If you do have two hands and the ability to move them, you have no excuses. In fact, juggling is often used as physical therapy for those with coordination or vision impairments. In fact, one of the best jugglers in the world, initially learned to juggle as a means to overcome his gross motor skill impairments. Juggling is also very good exercise (think of all of the bending over you'll do to pick up the balls you drop.) All you'll need are three juggling balls, oranges or wadded up socks and a lot of patience and persistence. Let's learn to juggle, shall we?

Alright. First let's start with a simple trick that should only take a couple of minutes to learn. You'll be able to do this right away.

The Orangutan-- This is the easy one. This trick is funny. If you announce that you can juggle, and then you do this trick, and you are not on a stage at a Juggling convention, then you will get a positive reaction. It is called the Orangutan because you will inevitably look a little like an Orangutan as you perform this trick. Whether you try to look like an Orangutan or not is up to your own personal sense of style. (I generally wouldn't advise it.) The three balls should be sitting on a table in front of you.

• Pick up a ball with your left hand and place it in your right armpit.

• Pick up a ball with your right hand and place it in your left armpit.

• Pick up a ball with your left hand.

• Drop the ball from your right armpit and catch it in your right hand (this is as hard as it gets).

• Place the ball in your left hand into your right armpit.

• Drop the ball from your left armpit and catch it in your left hand.

• Place the ball in your right hand into your left armpit.

• Repeat a few more times and call it a day.

You've just learned to juggle three balls (sort of). That wasn't so hard, was it?

Mixing Drinks: The Secret of the Drawing Room

"A dry Martini, you always shake to Waltz time."

--Nick Charles in The Thin Man

Mixing drinks is an essential skill of the drawing room. Whether you, personally, drink them or whether you don't is entirely up to you. But those around you likely will, and they will appreciate it when you mix for them the finest martini ever mixed. You will help resolve the arguments about whether a martini should be shaken or stirred. You will set straight the confusion about how much vermouth belongs in a dry Martini. These are not easy questions to resolve, so let's set to it right away. It is time for a three Martini lunch and you are the cook.

The drinks that will be covered here are all fairly easy to mix, and are all absolute classics. Stick to this list and you won't go wrong. All that is required are good bottles of gin, bourbon and vodka. Any quality bottles will do, but my personal choices are Tanqueray, Four Roses and Kettle One, respectively. Other good options are Gordons, Maker's Mark and Grey Goose.

In addition, you'll want to get a martini shaker. They are ubiquitous so if you don't have one, go somewhere and pick up a nice stylish one. You'll also need some vermouth. Martini and Rossi is a safe bet, but other French and Italian brands are more unique, so get those if you can find them. You'll want to get a bottle of dry, white vermouth and a bottle of sweet, red vermouth. In addition to making martinis, you can use these vermouths in your pasta sauces.

You'll want a few garnishes and mixers. A jar of stuffed green olives, an assortment of lemons, limes, oranges and maraschino cherries. Also: nice toothpicks, sugar cubes, a bottle of tonic water, a few different shapes of glasses and lots of ice.

With these ingredients, you can mix nearly a dozen Martinis, a couple of Manhattans, a Gin and Tonic, and that drink of drinks: The Old Fashioned.

wo major debates. How much vermouth should go into a Martini? And should a Martini be shaken or stirred? But first, a little background.

A Classic Martini consists of stirring two ounces of gin with 1/2 ounce of dry white vermouth over ice until extremely cold. The liquid is then strained out of the ice and into a glass. The drink is garnished with either one or two stuffed green olives, or a twist (a thin slice of lemon peel twisted over the glass and then dropped in). Although history is a bit cloudy on this issue, these garnishes seem to be the origin of Charles Dicken's ironically chosen name, Oliver Twist. As in, Olive or Twist?

This exact same drink can be made, but with the substitution of vodka for gin. This is often referred to as a Vodka Martini but is properly named a Kangaroo.

In all cases, if the Martini is shaken as opposed to stirred, then it is referred to as a Bradford.

Shaking a Martini has five major advantages. It more fully dissolves and integrates the vermouth. It makes the drink far colder. It causes the drink to be very slightly "watered down" and thus, less sharp. It looks neat, and thanks to icons like Nick Charles and James Bond, it is what people expect. And finally, it is fun to do and makes a musical sound.

The advantages of stirring a Martini are as follows. Some afficianados claim that shaking may "bruise" gin, giving it a slightly bitter flavor. Stirring will also produce a less "watered down" drink. Stirring has a musical tink-tinking quality of its own.

If you want to play it safe and use a logical system, then shake martinis made with Vodka, and stir those made with Gin. Debate closed. When you shake a martini, shake it however you like until the shaker becomes ice cold.

Debate number two. How much vermouth should be used? This debate is very tricky because people have gotten some strange ideas from watching too much television. As I've mentioned, a normal Martini will have four parts gin or vodka to one part dry vermouth. A Dry Martini will have something like five parts Gin or Vodka to one part dry vermouth. An Extra Dry Martini would have only a splash of vermouth, and on and on. Today, many Martini bars use ridiculous devices such as misters (makes just a mist of vermouth over the shaker). People continue to request drier and drier Martinis, having no idea why they are doing so, but merely repeating bits of lore and wisdom that they've heard in the movies. Ordering a "Vodka Martini, extra dry" does have a nice ring to it, but it is also sort of stupid. It is the same as saying, "Give me a twelve dollar glass of cold vodka please, but first shake it up a little."

You'll want to avoid that nonsense, and educate those around you. There is one type of person who is well suited to truly drink an Extra Dry Martini and that is the Winston Churchill/George Patton type. Those no nonsense serious drinkers that find the whole mixing drinks notion to be absurd and, frankly, a little "unpatriotic" or "liberal." For those types, and long may they live, I offer the following recipes:

Churchill or Hitchcock-- Five parts Gin and a quick glance at the bottle of vermouth.

Clark Gable-- Run a cork moistened with vermouth around the rim of the glass.

LBJ or the In and Out-- Pour some vermouth in a glass, swirl it around, and dump it out before pouring the Martini.

George Patton-- Point the bottle of vermouth in the direction of Italy.

Anther variant of the Classic Martini that is worth trying is the Dirty Martini, which includes a splash of olive juice from the olive jar. This can be made with or without vermouth.

All Martinis may be serves in any glass that will hold them. Proper Martini glasses are nice, but not mandatory. Consider suiting the type of glass to the individual you are mixing the drink for. Old jars can make suitable glasses in the right context. All martinis are served "straight up" meaning, without ice.

A Manhattan can be made by using bourbon as the base, and sweet red vermouth in place of the dry white variety, using the standard 4:1 ratio. All Manhattans are constructed right in the glass and served with "rocks" or ice. Garnish Manhattans with a cherry or two. A Dry Manhattan mixes Bourbon with white vermouth. A Perfect Manhattan mixes 2 ounces bourbon with 1/4 ounce sweet and 1/4 dry vermouth. These variations should be stirred in the glass before serving.

Pour a couple ounces of gin into a tall glass filled with ice and add a generous splash of tonic water. Squeeze a lime wedge over the drink before dropping it in and stirring. You have just mixed a Gin and Tonic, which is an excellent and refreshing summer drink.

Finally, the Old Fashioned. Crush a sugar cube in the bottom of a sturdy glass. Add just enough water to dissolve the sugar. Add a two or three dashes of bitters if you can find them. Add about 3 or 4 ice cubes. Pour in about two ounces of bourbon. Squeeze an orange wedge over the glass and drop it into the glass. Add a couple of cherries. Stir and serve. And remember:

"Just because a man has more hairs on his head than there are stars in the sky, does not mean that he can throw a party that movies stars will attend...and enjoy...responsibly."

--The Brak Show

Please drink responsibly.

Card Trick: A Card Trick With a Borrowed, Shuffled Pack

Okay. But what do you do when you are handed a pack of cards and told to do a trick? Well, I recommend the following course of action: "Plan C." Understand that all three of these tricks are only slight variants of each other, and thus, not as difficult to remember as it may seem.

Take the pack. Shuffle. Have a card selected. (While the card is being shown, avert your eyes, simultaneously catching a glimpse of the bottom card. Remember that card.) Cut about half of the pack onto the table. Instruct the spectator to return the selected card to the top of that pack. Place the remaining cards on top of those. The selection now appears lost in the pack. But you know the identity of the card on top of the selection. This is known as a "key card."

The deck may now be cut as many times as desired to "really lose the card in the pack." Square the pack and take a glimpse at the new bottom card. Only two outcomes can occur. Either you will see the key card on the bottom (that will happen about once in every fifty-two tries) or you will see a random card.

If the bottom card is the key card, it's your lucky day. Place the deck on the table. Ask the spectator to name the chosen card and instruct them to turn over the top card. It will be the chosen card. They will be impressed. That would be a very good trick.

If, on the other hand, an indifferent card is on the bottom of the deck, you will move swiftly to phase two. Turn the pack face up. (Think about this for a second. This means that now your key card is underneath the selected card.) Pretend to memorize the pack as in "Plan B." Ascertain the identity of the selected card as you go. (Hint: it is the card located on top of the key card. Clear?) Now, continue the trick just as described in "Plan B."

You now have a solid repertoire of card tricks. Unless you are a professional magician, there is no reason why you should ever perform more than two cards tricks in a row. Always leave 'em wanting more, as they say. Now go mix yourself another drink.

Card Trick: "Plan B" and a Good One At That

If, while performing the "Lazy Man's Card Trick", the spectator chooses one of the bottom 13 cards, the trick is over and you will have to perform this trick instead. I call this, "Plan B." But this trick is no less impressive than "Plan A."

While the selected card is being shown around, avert your eyes. (While you're averting your eyes, take a discreet glance at the bottom cards of the deck and note which of the clubs is missing.) Now, you know the identity of the chosen card. That card may now be freely returned to the pack and freely shuffled. The shuffling will destroy any evidence of your "stack," so see to it that the deck is shuffled thoroughly.

Spread the pack face up on a flat surface. Pretend to memorize the order of the pack in exactly 60 seconds. Have someone time you. Be convincing here. Unleash the inner drama kid. Look at the cards. Mumble to yourself. Get stuck. Go back a few cards. (Secretly take note of the cards surrounding the selected card.) Take note of long runs of black cards or red cards, and mention them out loud. You are acting, but you should still try to notice things. Break a sweat. Crying would probably be too much.

Turn your back and instruct the spectator to move the selected card to a different part of the spread. Further instruct the spectator to "wiggle all of the cards around a little bit" so that no trace will be left. Turn around again.

Begin studying the cards. Squint. Sigh. Mumble. Notice the missing card. Notice something is not quite right. Notice the additional card in the new location. Put it all together. Hesitate. Calculate. Mention the Pythagorean Theorem. Call out the identity of the chosen card and remove it from the pack. Toss the card gingerly aside. Accept your well earned applause.

Next: "Plan C."

Card Trick: A Trick That's Almost Too Good To Teach

Skill with a pack of cards is one of the benchmarks of class. A man who can handle his liquor and handle his cards, is a man to be reckoned with. A good card trick is as socially valuable as a good joke.

The following card trick conveys great skill, but actually requires none. I have worked very hard to make it that way. That is my gift to you. Thank me later. Because no skill is required, your mind will be free to fully concentrate on your acting. Like everything else, presentation is critical. Remember back in high school when you had a leading role in the school musical? That time was not wasted. Awaken that little actor within you, pull a pack of cards from the inner breast pocket of your suit jacket, and say, "would you like to see a card trick?"

(What nobody knows, is that you have secretly prearranged the bottom thirteen cards of the deck. The bottom card is the Ace of Clubs. Second from the bottom is the Two of Clubs, followed by the three of clubs, an so on, all the way through the King of Clubs, which will be thirteenth from the bottom. Clear?)

Remove the cards from the box and place the box to the side. Treat the box nicely, as if it were a violin case. Hold the deck face up (the Ace of Clubs should be staring at you). You will now push the cards, "spreading" them from one hand to the other. So as not to reveal any of your "stack" you will first push over a large clump of about 20 or so cards, and then begin spreading normally. As you do this, show the faces of the cards to some of your charming audience and say, "The cards aren't in any particular order."
(Hi. Me again. Italics guy. I just want to make sure everything's clear so far. You didn't let them see the Clubs did you? They'll see the Ace of Clubs, of course, but other than that, all they should see is a moving blur of some of the randomly mixed other cards. Clear? I hope so. It's much easier to do, than to explain.)

Now, the big break for the little actor inside you. As soon as you say, "the cards aren't in any particular order," let about 20 or so cards from the middle of the spread slip out of your hands and fall to the floor. People will laugh. You will look slightly stupid, but it is worth it. This will teach you humility. This is setting them up for the kill. Then say, "Well, at least, not anymore." Another laugh. Now they have realized that you are also clever. And humble.

Square up the cards that have remained in your hands (you didn't drop any of the Clubs did you? You'd better not.) and flip the pack face down. Bend over quickly, collecting the dropped cards, and return them, face down, to the top of the pack. This whole "drop the cards" charade, not only gets a laugh, but it also convinces your audience that the cards are haphazardly mixed, even though you have not disturbed the order of the bottom thirteen cards. And all it took was a little bit of good acting.

You are now holding the deck face down in your hand. The Ace through King of Clubs should still be in order on the bottom of the deck. (Why clubs? Because nobody ever notices the poor little clubs). The audience now thinks that the cards are mixed and that you are an idiot. But you are no idiot. You are several steps ahead of them. They are suckers. Spread out the deck in a straight line on a table or other flat surface. The cards should remain in order and continue to overlap. This spread should be somewhere between 12 and 24 inches long. (Again, this is very easy to do and hard to explain. Just spread the cards out a bit.) As you do, say "maybe I shouldn't even hold them." And then instruct one of the people to remove any card they wish.

As they reach for a card, hope that they don't choose one of the bottom 13 cards. You can improve your odds with the following two tactics:

Don't spread the bottom cards very much. (This is the exact same dodge as you did in your hands a few seconds ago, only now it is face down and on a flat surface.)

Spread the cards in such a way that the person selecting the card is located nearer the top half of the pack.

Those tactics, along with the fact that people gravitate toward the center, anyhow, should keep you safe. If they do choose from your bottom stack, you'll have to do a different trick, which I'll call "plan B." But for now, let's assume they've chosen from the upper three quarters and continue with "plan A."

Tell the person to look at his or her card and show it to the other lovely people in the room. Scoop up the deck and hold it face down in your hand. Avert your eyes so as not to see the chosen card. When the person has finished showing his or her card, cut about half of the deck onto the table. Tell the spectator to place the selection on top of that pile. When that task has been completed, place the remaining cards on top of that. It will appear that the chosen card has been lost in the pack. But all is not lost, because you know the identity of the 13 cards above the selection.

Pick up the deck, extending it toward another spectator, and say "will you please cut the deck?" He or she will cut off a pack of cards. Instruct that person to place the cards on the table. Make an estimate of how many cards were cut. Say that number out loud as you complete the cut, for example, "17" or "34." Make sure the number that you name is between 1 and 52 (for obvious reasons, I hope) and roughly corresponds to the size of the packet that was cut. It takes a knack to do this quickly, but you do not have to be right. You only have to be believable.

Continue this process three or four more times. The chosen card will seem hopelessly lost. They will not believe that you can really estimate the number of cards being cut. They are correct. But they are unaware of your 13 card secret weapon.

Now we enter the endgame. Have the deck cut once more. Complete the cut and pick up the cards. As you are squaring the pack, look at the sides of the pack and state your estimate. It will appear as though you are looking at the sides of the pack, which you are. (Secretly you are also taking note of the bottom card. You will literally "steal this glance." And nobody should ever notice this action.) You will repeat this sequence until the bottom card is a Club.

The bottom card will tell you the location of the selection. If the card is the Ace of Clubs, the selection is on top of the deck. If the bottom card is the two of clubs, the selection is the second card, and so on, all the way through the King of Clubs, which would indicate that the selection is the thirteenth card in the pack. (Queen indicates the twelfth position, Jack indicates the eleventh.) Now you are way ahead. You know the position of the selection, but they don't believe that you could.

Ask questions such as "Do you believe that I was really able to count how many cards were cut each time?" They will give a response along the lines of, "No." They have taken the bait. Say, "But if I could tell you right now that so-and-so's card is the ninth card, and we counted down nine cards and so-and-so's card was right there, would that be a good trick?" They will give a response along the lines of, "Yes!"

Then say, "so-and-so's card is the ninth card." (Repeat the same number that you named a few seconds ago. Obviously, that number will vary based on the value of the bottom card.) The audience will remain skeptical.

Slowly and fairly, count nine cards onto the table.

Say, "What was your card."

So-and-so will say, "Four of Diamonds" (or some other non-club card).

Gesture toward the pile of cards and say, "Turn it over."

The spectator will do so, and be shocked to find the selected card. The audience will be impressed, charmed and fooled badly. They will clap and laugh and scratch their heads. Have a sip of your bourbon. You've earned it. Next lesson: "Plan B."

(Note: The principal of using a number of arranged cards to "locate" the selected card is an old one, and tricks of this nature are generally named, "The Lazy Man's Card Trick.")

Omeletes: The Second Most Useful Breakfast a Man Can Know

Omelets. Even easier and faster to make than crepes. Omeletes were created in the South of France, and became a favorite of Napoleon. Here is the simplest and purest way to make an omelet. Put some butter in a pan (be generous here) and melt it. While the butter is melting, crack two or three eggs into a bowl and scramble them with a fork. Let the pan get very hot. Pour the eggs into the pan. They should instantly begin to set. Use a spatula to push the outside edges of the omelet in toward the middle and tilt and swirl the pan, so the the uncooked egg on top becomes the new edge. Repeat this process around the circumference of the omelet until no runny egg is left. That technique will make your omelet fluffy. Make sure that the omelet has cooked into one solid piece. It should stay in one piece and slide freely around the pan. The butter will aid this process. If it is stuck somewhere, unstick it.

Now you will flip it, using a deft quick flip of the wrist. This skill is mandatory for omelets. Practice it with a tortilla or a crepe to get the hang of it. It isn't too difficult, and you will be better off for knowing it.

After flipping, do not return the pan to the heat. The residual heat of the pan will be more than enough to cook the underside. Slide the omelet half way onto a nice plate. Use your wrist and the edge of the pan to delicately fold the second half over the first. Top with freshly ground salt and pepper, and enjoy. Add other fresh herbs like thyme and rosemary if you have them.

You can add fillings, if you wish, of course. Use meats, quality cheeses and fresh vegetables. Sautee the fillings in a second pan and add them to each omelet after you flip them. You only need to put the filling on the half of the omelet that you slide onto the plate, because the second half will be folded on top. Garnish the omelets with lots of freshly cracked pepper and salt, herbs, and freshly grated parmaseano reggiano. Add something pretty to the plate, like a sprig of flat parsley, a few apple slices, orange wedges, tomato slices, or berries. Bon Appetite!

Crepes: The Most Useful Breakfast to Learn

Dinner. Dessert. Espresso. That is all very well and good. But what about breakfast? Here, I recommend that we take a page from the book of the French. We will prepare crepes, and we will make those around us very happy. Crepes originated in Brittany, the northern region of France, and they are very quick and very easy to make. They can be prepared with basic staples in every kitchen. That means that knowing how to make crepes is a very useful skill. Wherever you go, you can whip up some crepes. This recipe will serve two people. Double the ingredients accordingly.

First you'll need a frying pan. Whatever is handy, will suffice. Obviously, the bigger the pan, the bigger the crepe. Put a little bit more than a Tablespoon of butter into the pan and melt it.

While the butter is melting find a whisk and a mixing bowl. Break an egg into the bowl. Add a half cup of milk and a half cup of water. Whisk it for a few seconds. Add the melted butter to the bowl. Add 1/4 teaspoon of salt and a pinch of sugar to the bowl. Whisk it a bit more. Bit by bit, add a cup of flour to the bowl, mixing as you go.

Using a paper towel, make sure the bottom of the frying pan is evenly coated with a thin layer of butter. Make sure the pan is very hot. There is no reason to rush, and ruin your first crepe. When the pan is hot and buttered pour about 1/4 cup of batter into the pan. Tilt and swirl the pan at all angles, so the batter covers the entire bottom and a little of the edges.

Return the pan to the heat and let the crepe cook for a few seconds (it doesn't take long). When the topside of the crepe no longer appears to be battery, flip it, using a spatula or a wrist flip. While the underside is cooking you have a few seconds to add whatever filling you deire. After the filling is added, slide the crepe half way out of the pan and onto a plate. Using the edge of the pan and a turn of the wrist, fold the crepe in half as you slide the second half on top of the first half.

Make and serve the crepes as you go. If you are using a filling that needs to be cooked, such as ham, have it cooking in another pan as you are preparing the crepes. The more crepes you make, the hotter the pan will become and the faster the crepes will cook. If they show signs of burning, lower the heat. It doesn't hurt to rebutter the pan every few crepes or so. Here are some nice fillings to consider.

• Ham and cheese
• Mushroom and cheese
• Sugar and lemon juice
• Sugar and Grand Mariner
• Nutella and bananas
• Raspberry jam and creme fraise
• Invent your own.
  

Start with the savory ones, and finish with the sweet ones. Sit back. Relax. You have just made those around you very happy. Now, if there are any crepes left, it is time for you to eat. Enjoy the view of the Eiffel Tower.