Handstitched Teddy Bear from Houndstooth Suit

Scotty's Paintings (Acrylic on Canvas)

Tuscan Autumn, 50cm x 50cm


Tuscan Christmas in Venetian Wine and Crème Brulée , 60cm x 60cm


Tuscan Autumn Studies, 2 canvasses @ 20cm x 20cm each


Parisian Cafe in Bottle Green and Frosting White, 90cm x 65cm

Scotty's Paintings (Acrylic on Canvas)

The Missing Spots in Cotton Candy and Root Beer, 6 canvasses @ 30cm x 30cm each


The Missing Piece in Mod colors, 80 cm x 80cm


Giant Twister Mat Viewed From Outer Space, 80cm x 60cm


French Vanilla with Pumpkin and Lime Spots, 20cm x 20cm


Cupcake Royale Retro Spots, 3 canvasses @ 30cm x 30cm each

Gina's paintings (Oil on Canvas)

Puget Sound, 27cm x 22cm

Lavender Fields Forever, 27cm x 19cm

Collodi Twilight, 27cm x 19cm

Blue House in Garden, 22cm x 16cm

Commedia dell’Arte, or Of Tangled Spaghetti and Twisted Love:

A Lecture on the methods, techniques, characters, and history of the Commedia dell'Arte

Colombina: Arlecchino, why are you crying?
Arlecchino: Because I'm dead!

Remnants of the now mostly defunct Commedia dell’Arte are virtually everywhere in Paris. Almost every graduate student at the American University of Paris saw dozens of framed illustrations of the characters and masks hanging in the lobby of the Hotel Ibis at the Place d'Italie, during orientation week. The names of Harlequin, Arlequin and Arlecchino are ubiquitous in England, France and Italy respectively, on everything from candies to toy shops and decorating groups to hotels. Pedrolino and his incarnations of Pierrot and Pagliacci are well known, not only by name, but appearance as well. A bust of Pierrot sits in nearly one out of two French bakeries, with his white painted face (with or without a tear drop), white ruffled collar and black cap perforated with holes for lollipop sticks.

Pulcinella's image with his beaked nose and hunched back are featured in many Italian restaurants and coffee shops throughout the world. Pants are named after Pantalone (who first wore ridiculously long breeches for comic effect). The comic gags of Donald Duck, Bugs Bunny and Tom and Jerry, to name but a few are taken almost directly from the pages of the Commedia dell’Arte. Consider Pinocchio, the shape of the Great Gonzo's nose, the novel Scaramouche, Carnivale costumes, Cyrano De Bergerac, Punch and Judy, circus clowns and much more. All of these are influenced greatly by Italy's Commedia dell’Arte which flourished during the 17th and 18th centuries. Yet, despite this, people today (even dedicated actors) generally seem very confused about exactly what the Commedia dell’Arte was.

Most people, have never even heard of the Commedia dell’Arte. Of the few who have, most possess a number of misconceptions. There is good reason for this. Commedia dell’Arte was a tradition passed on from mentor to apprentice, and at its most fundamental level it was an art of improvisation, so very few written records exist. So what, then, was the Commedia dell’Arte?

Literally translated it means the Comedy of the Professional Artists. The very name itself challenges the widely held misconceptions that Commedia dell’Arte refers to the art of Italian street theater (generally performed by amateurs surviving on donations). This distinction actually makes the study of Commedia dell’Arte possible since without taking that distinction seriously it is impossible to sort out the thousands of variations of history and evolutions of the street theater. Such street theater might be fairly called Commedia al'Improviso or Commedia al'Italiano but not Commedia dell’Arte! Accepting that the evolution of Commedia dell’Arte occurred not in streets, but in theaters, will make its evolution much more comprehensible.

Commedia dell’Arte was improvised by an ensemble of players. These players were not only comic actors, but also musicians, singers, jugglers, poets and acrobats. Their skills were woven into the fabric of the play. And each actor played what is known as a stock character, whose traits, mask and movement were well defined. Through the use of those characters, the ensemble would improvise a play. But this improvisation did not take place in front of the audience as it does in modern “improv” comedy, but behind the scenes. By the time the troupe actually performed the piece, they had already created and rehearsed it many times. The art, as they say, was in hiding the art.

Commedia dell’Arte, then, has nothing to do with scripts. Instead, it was a process of ensemble creation. That process was fixed with many rules, but no scripts. When Goldoni and Moliere attempted to preserve (nay, improve on) the genius of the great ensembles of their day by locking improvisations into scripts, the process was severely weakened. Goldoni's Servant of Two Masters and Moliere's Scapin, far from preserving the process of Commedia, actually have helped kill it. Those scripts preserve only jokes and scenarios, but no process or technique. With those scripts began the tyranny of the playwright which still reigns to this day.

To call a performance of Scapin or Servant of Two Masters a Commedia dell’Arte performance (as they almost universally are) is as true as it is to call a matchbox car a vehicle. It shares a certain resemblance, to be sure, but offers none of the benefits. Below, I will explain certain aspects of the characters and the process of ensemble improvisation.

The rules were very fixed. Not for the street performers, of course, but for the professionals, the rules were strict. Because it was comedy, endings were always happy. The star-crossed lovers sort things out in the end. The old man finds his money. The starving servants get to eat and secure a little private time together. The plays typically followed a tragicomic arch, taken just to the brink of tragedy, with tragedy always narrowly averted. No taboos were included in the performance, including cannibalism, homosexuality, murder and mockery of authority or religion. (The performances were in theaters mind, you, and largely funded by royalty—and they sought to remain that way.) These taboos, though, would often be flirted with. For example, Arlecchino might dream that Pedrolino was a roasted chicken and fantasize about eating him, but the cannibalism was only imagined. Or Capitano may be attracted to Arlecchino who is disguised as a woman, and Arlecchino may flirt in return, but no intended attraction occurred. Thus, the troupes were able to get maximum comic effect without offending the audience. An offended audience will not laugh, and it was laughter, not politics, that motivated these early professional troupes. Once again, this challenges many widely held misconceptions.

Unlike than the modern concept of acting where script is everything and character must be discovered, the process of Commedia dell’Arte relied on the principle that character was everything and script must be discovered. Those stock characters were very well known and the actors playing them, both male and female, were stars. Traveling throughout Italy in the 1700s, one could watch a variety of Commedia troupes from region to region and experience a number of talented comic actors interpret the same characters in slightly (sometimes radically) different ways without undermining the fundamental movement or traits of the characters. The process of creation and interpretation lay entirely in the hands of the actors. This can rarely, if ever, be said about plays today. In modern theater it is the playwright and the director who call the shots, which has significantly undermined the value of ensemble creation.

The creation of the script begins with a canovaccio, which translates literally as canvas, and figuratively as scenario. These canovacci could be originally created by the ensemble, or selected from a wide repertoire already in existence. Today, hundreds of canovacci are documented. (This was about the only part of the process that was in writing!) A canovaccio is an outline of a play, typically in three acts, detailing which characters are in the play and how they are interlinked; which servants belong to which masters; which lovers belong to which old men; which obstacles stood in the way of the love; which side characters would engage in selfish conflicts; in what way tragedy might be at hand; and finally, it might provide a few clues and suggestions for how a satisfactorily happy and comical ending could be reached.

From there, using their knowledge of their characters and the stock comic bits of business they had previously developed called lazzi, the actors would begin. Lazzi translates as laces, indicating perhaps, that these comic bits serve as a sort of decorative addition to the plot. A few famous lazzi are: Arlecchino is so hungry that he chases a fly hoping to eat it as though it were a chicken; Isabella is brought to madness by fear of losing her love; Pantalone finds a coin and does a cartwheel despite his age. Capitano introduces himself with a long, rambling, braggart's speech; Signora holds up her hand and Pedrolino must slap her hand with his face; or, as a lamp blows out, all characters grope around in the dark mistaking identities. Those are just a few of the nearly infinite possibilities of lazzi. The important distinction is that they are rehearsed bits of business somewhat superfluous to the scenario itself. Since the bits were rehearsed, there might be occasions where a character has to fill dead time on stage. In those cases, that actor can merely select an appropriate lazzo and begin the bit. If other characters are involved, they will know what to do. Once begun, lazzi were always carried through until completion.

Three other rules of the Commedia dell’Arte come to mind. First, an object should never dropped or thrown, unless another character is waiting nearby to catch it, because once an object leaves the hands of a performer it is beyond that performer’s control. Allowing anything in the entire performance to appear uncontrolled would ultimately be detrimental to the comedy, which requires the complete faith of the audience in the artists’ abilities to safely and precisely choreograph chaos. Secondly, all entrances and exits in Commedia dell’Arte cross (meaning that as one character or group of characters begins to exit, another begins to enter) because even one second without action would be detrimental to the comic pace, which is relentlessly fast. Just before exiting, all characters acknowledge the audience (generally with a glance and a smile) as a way of saying that they will be back. This brings us to the third rule which is that there is no sadness in Commedia dell’Arte, dramatic tension perhaps, but never sadness. Since exits can be a potentially sad thing, they are handled lightly and playfully. I once appeared in a scene where my Welsh scene-mate was a few seconds late for an entrance (having just sprinted across the backstage to emerge as another character on the opposite side). Attempting to explain his late entrance, he apologized (in character) to the audience for his lateness offering the excuse that his horse had fallen down on his way there. Then realizing that nothing is funny about a fallen horse, he abruptly added the hilarious tag “But she's all right!”

That brief anecdote makes two points about technique. The first, of course, is that there is no sadness in the Commedia dell’Arte. The second is that actors often speak directly to the audience, either by way of discourse, asides that the other characters don’t hear, or on some occasions, the masked characters will even go so far as to raise their masks on their heads and explain how difficult it can be to work under certain conditions.

And now, a few notes about characters, or masks. In Commedia dell’Arte the word maschera denotes not only the mask itself (typically crafted of leather) but also the character (including the ones who don't even wear a physical mask). The mascheri are broken into four main sets, roughly corresponding to the four seasons or basic elements. These are the Zanni, the Capitani, the Innamorati, and the Vecchi.

Each character in Commedia dell’Arte has an extensive, but restricted, repertoire of movement. I can't possibly describe all of the walks, gestures and leaps at their disposal, but I will say this: These players had a repertoire of studied movement which could accommodate virtually every imaginable situation. In terms of improvisational acting, the goal wasn't so much thinking of an idea as it was selecting one. All movement was based on an inverted pyramid concept. Walking would require very large movements with the legs lifting very high and the arms and head fully involved, but the actual resultant step would be very small. In this way, a maximum of movement could occur in a minimum of space.

The proper use of the mask was obviously studied as well, but here I will limit the methods to one simple idea. The mask covers the face, so to use the face is to use nothing. Only by using the neck, does one use the face.

Zanni (Servants)-- This name Zanni derives from a pejorative diminutive of the name Giovanni, which was apparently a common name in the northern Italian region of Bergamo where these characters are said to be from. Elementally, Zanni correspond with the earth. They have been smashed into the ground over a lifetime of poverty and servitude, have an “S” curved spine and walk low to the ground with their butts sticking out behind them and their chests protruding in front. Zanni never stand still, always shifting weight from one foot to the next, as if to rest the other foot. They are always tired and always hungry. The characters are based on the starving peasants, driven out of business after Bergamo was conquered by the economically superior city-state of Venice. These peasants apparently wandered in desperate search of masters to serve. The contradiction of the Zanni is that they possess slow minds, but agile bodies.

For the Zanni, everything is about survival. They have no time for skipping or joyfully playing practical jokes, as they are so often depicted. They fight to survive. Whatever mischief happens along the way was born out of pragmatism, not fun. The masks of Zanni (with the notable exception of Arlecchino who has a smashed in nose) feature big noses and warts. Zanni are generally capable of only one emotion at a time, and do everything in extremes. A Zanni who has just been rejected by his romantic pursuit but is also given a plate of pasta, may need to alternate between tears and ecstasy and back again. Those emotions are also contagious to other Zanni, who may begin to cry if other characters are crying, or laugh if the other characters are laughing, regardless of the reason why. Zanni often get carried away with their imaginations and find it impossible to distinguish between what is actually happening and what they are imaging might happen, hence the classic lazzo: “I'm crying because I'm dead!”

Incidentally, the word Zanni is, in fact, the derivation for the English word “zany”. Zanni are never without their slapstick or battocio, which they use for everything from a weapon to a nail file, a polenta spoon to a musical instrument. Battacio translates literally as clapper of a bell, but also carries an interesting connotation along the lines of, “his bell doesn't have a clapper in it.” Zanni can be broken into two main subsets, First and Second Zanni.

Secondo Zanni-- These characters may find themselves at the bottom of the pecking order in Commedia dell’Arte, but this class has also produced some of the most famous and enduring characters. The Second Zanni are the stupidest and most base characters but their lack of wit does not disable them. By seeing the world in such a simple manner, they often manage to succeed in preposterous ways despite the odds. While their greed and stupidity may get them into mounds of trouble, it may also help to get them out. The Second Zanni frequently find it necessary to sleep while in the middle of a task, perhaps snoring and farting alternately, and are given to constant and total lapses of memory. They are stupid, but clever, and roughly correspond to the red-nosed or Auguste circus clown. In many ways they are the Ernie to the First Zanni's Bert (to use a Sesame Street allusion).

Of the many famous second Zanni (and there were many, such as Truffaldino and Trivellino) it is the mask, costume and name of Arlecchino that is most remembered. This precise character is attributed to the 17th century Italian actor Tristano Martinelli who was looking for a name that would be funny to French audiences. He chose a name based on a mythical French creature of the woods, the Hellequin. He outfitted his costume with leaf-shaped patches, and to better facilitate acrobatics he wore black face-paint instead of a mask. Over time, Arlecchino took on a snub-nosed black mask, resembling both a demon and a monkey. Later, the character evolved into a more charming sort of numskull by the 17th century French actor Domenico Biancolelli and the mask and character began to take on more catlike traits. His costume took on the more formal diamond shaped lozenges and yellow braid with which most audiences today are familiar.

“His character is a mixture of ignorance, naivete, wit, stupidity and grace. He is both a rake and an overgrown boy with occasional gleams of intelligence, and his mistakes and clumsiness often have wayward charm. His acting is patterned on the lithe, agile grace of a young cat, and he has a superficial coarseness which makes his performances all the more amusing. He plays the role of a faithful valet, always patient, credulous, and greedy. He is eternally amorous, and is constantly in difficulties either on his own or on his master’s account. He is hurt and confronted in turn as easily as a child, and his grief is almost as comic as his joy.”

 Jean-Francois Marmontel (1723-99)

One other Second Zanni which certainly deserves mention is Pulcinella, which in Italian roughly translates as “the stupid lil’ runt chick.” Pulcinella is a special case among second Zanni, having an origin which is uniquely Southern (from Naples). He is perhaps not as lovable as other Zanni, but he makes up for it with his impressive refusal to bow to authority. His nose is hooked like a chicken's beak. His costume is white (as are most Zanni’s, indicating their poor status through flour sack clothing). His voice is shrill and his back hunched. Typically, his sleeves entirely cover his hands to show his strong disdain for work. Pulcinella is a crafty and violent character who never misses an opportunity to beat someone or something with his battocio, but always gets his comeuppance in the end. In the world of Commedia dell’Arte, there is a fair and natural balance that always returns everything to its just and proper order.

Eventually, this character became very famous as Policinelle or Mr. Punch, in the puppet shows of France and England. When actors were prohibited from speaking in public performances in France to prevent anti-authoritarian speech, the puppets were not censored since they were deemed only for children. In a stroke of brilliance, the puppet shows became a hot-bed of anti-establishmentarianism, and Mr. Punch has been beating up authority figures with his battocio ever since.

Primo Zanni-- First Zanni characters roughly correspond to white face or boss clowns. He or she is the Bert to the Second Zanni's Ernie. With similar options of movement, the First Zanni stands slightly more erect than the Second Zanni. While the First Zanni is clearly smarter than the second Zanni, it is in relative terms. John Rudlin has written that the two Zanni together, might possess the intelligence of one average person, but with a 60/40 split. The first Zanni are above the second Zanni in that they have relative job security and probably even a bed, albeit one of hay in the barn. They have evolved to a level where they are able to sleep while standing up. These characters are a bit rough around the edges, but nonetheless have a strong desire to maintain their dignity and their job. They are often the linchpin of the happy ending, and despite their lack of education, they are often the only characters smart enough to actually see things for what they are. The first Zanni comes in three major types:

The first type is the archetype of the servetta, or saucy maid (soubrette in French), usually named Colombina, Smeraldina, or Franceschina (Colombine in France). Pressure comes upon her from every angle, involving Arlecchino who is in perpetual love with her, the old man who employs her and makes ridiculous demands of her (including sex), the lover with whom she sympathizes and desires to help, and her own needs as well. Outfitted in a sort of Cinderella garb (before the visit from the Fairy Godmother), she does not wear a mask, and has instead a white painted face with reddened cheeks. [This is a good time to mention that Italy was very progressive in this way, and that historically this appears to be the first time that women were allowed on stage, and in no mask at that!]

The second type is the infarinato (meaning covered in flour), usually named Pedrolino or Pagliaccio or Pierrot (this latter version from the French pantomime tradition was considerably more moonstruck and broken hearted than the formers). This character serves as a valet or houseboy, and plays much the same function as Colombina. He also did not wear a mask, opting instead for white powder. His character was effeminate and prissy, and was often best friends with his bitchy master who would not fail to beat him regularly. But, as I must always remind my students, Pedrolino was not gay, since as I've already stated, certain taboos simply did not exist in the world of Commedia dell’Arte. And, I repeat, that was for pragmatic, not moral reasons.

In addition to the “maid and valet” the First Zanni could also come in the conniving and sinister variety. In these cases, he was often named Brighella (from brigare, to fight) or Scapino or Scapin (from the Spanish escaper), later evolved into the infamous Figaro, and was often a capable singer and guitar player. This Zanni had managed to advance to the position of a moderately successful entrepreneur be it an innkeeper or coachman, his mustachioed mask was of a swarthy green color, and his white costume often boasted green braid. He was greedy and manipulative and would sell his own mother to turn a profit. Despite that, the fairness of the Commedia dell’Arte dictates that he ends up paying for his wrongdoing. Personally, I see this character as the forerunner of the Snidely Whiplash melodrama villain archetype. In the Commedia universe he may be well on his way to becoming an il Magnifico such as Pantalone.

Il Capitano (The Captain)-- In Naples, the Captain began as a characterization of real Spanish soldiers or mercenaries, often serving as a foil to Pulcinella. In the northern tradition, the Captain was more of a phony, likely a Zanni deep down, but masquerading as a war hero. It is the duty of each actor playing a Capitano to invent his own colorful name and introductory speech, one famous example was that of Capitano Spavento della Vall'Inferna, (Captain Fright of the Valley of Hell). Often, to avoid political content, the Capitani would brag of mythical battles and conquests, with no actual political affiliation. The physical stance of the Capitani is similar to that of the Zanni but with more purposeful swagger and affectation. It is the walk of Muscle Beach, but with the same spinal “S” curvature of the Zanni.

Like all characters of the Commedia dell’Arte, il Capitano is a contradiction. Whereas Zanni is a clever fool, il Capitano is the braggart coward. He will boast endlessly of his conquests with war and women, but in reality has probably never been near either. He is the first to make threats, and the first to hide under a table in the event of a loud crash or threat of a mouse. He is the excuse maker par excellence. His mask has a large and obviously phallic nose. Literally wearing his penis on his face, Capitano always carries a sword or staff, though sometimes the sword is too long to even be removed from its scabbard.

Renowned contemporary expert Antonio Fava describes il Capitano is the most tragic character of the Commedia dell’Arte because he is constantly in fear and risk of being exposed, and so he must constantly invent excuses and lies. Life terrifies this man, and he wants nothing more than to appear brave.

The female counterpart to il Capitano, is la Signora. She has a name along the lines of Rosaura, wears no mask and shares none of his cowardice. She is perhaps what Colombina could become with age and status. She is often married to one of the old men, and is the active love foil for Capitano, or occasionally, her servant Pedrolino. Her demeanor can only be described as extremely bitchy, and she indiscriminately slaps her way through a room without remorse. She treads a delicate path between attempting to secretly satisfy her lustful desires with il Capitano while avoiding detection by her rich old husband. The Zanni often find themselves caught in the middle of this mess. Signora needs no weapon save her bare hands. In fact, she often needs only to look at Pedrolino and he will slap himself!

Innamorati (Lovers)-- These characters were originally played as grotesque and flighty mockeries of lovers but were soon (thanks largely to the efforts of the great 17th century Italian actress, poet and playwright Isabella Andreini) transformed into more sincere portrayals. These characters also play without masks, typically dressing in a rich and elegant fashion appropriate to their time, and correspond seasonally to the spring and elementally to the air. While their stance is always rooted firmly to the ground, their upper body has an ethereal and light quality. Their contradiction comes from being strong but powerless, which they always are. Sometimes they find themselves powerless because their fathers (who control their allowances), may forbid the love. Other times they may perceive that their loved one has died or is unfaithful and find themselves powerless over their own despair.

They will beat the Zanni as needed, but are fair and proud masters, seeking love at all costs. These characters bring a touch of seriousness and heartfelt drama to the plays, but are naturally funny because of their constant desire to be “too perfect.” They move with an erect posture but the heart thrust forward, always pointing their heart in the direction that they speak. The hips are not thrust forward, but the pelvis is contracted, as if to disguise the fact that they have asses. But these characters should not be taken too lightly. They are prepared and capable of killing or dying if necessary (fortunately, this never becomes necessary) and prone to acting a little too rashly from time to time. They often recite overly dramatic passages or comically bad poetry with impeccable skill. Their names are usually along the lines of, Isabella, Flaminia, Flavio or Leandro. Male innamorati carry a sword, and females often brandish a handkerchief or fan. It is very common for a scenario to feature two sets of crossed lovers who must unravel a comedy of errors in the final act. The innamorati hail from Florence and spoke in the Florentine dialect.

Vecchi (Old Men)-- These characters correspond seasonally to the winter and attempt to stave off death by preventing the spring (the innamorati) from blooming. The vechhi come in two main types, the Magnifico and the Dottore.

Il Magnifico is the miserly, greedy and lecherous Venetian merchant, frequently named Pantalone. His name seems to stem from the phrase pianta leone, meaning to plant the lion, in reference to the many city-states conquered by Venice (the lion was the symbol on the Venetian flag). Pantalone's contradiction is the opposite of the Zanni's: while they have dull wits and agile bodies, il Magnifico has a slow body, but agile mind.

He tyrannizes his housemaid if he has one, with ridiculous demands, both sexually and otherwise. And he will torment his child if he has one, by forbidding his or her love either for financial or sexual reasons. His spinal curvature is the opposite of Zanni, with the pelvis thrust forward and chest caved back. He moves his feet quickly, leading with his hips and walks by lifting the knees very high. Still, he covers ground very slowly. His elbows are always lifted and engaged and fingers are always moving either counting money or hatching a scheme. He is not terribly unlike Mr. Burns from The Simpsons.

He may have a heart attack, but only when it serves his interests, and he'll come to life again the second it becomes profitable to do so. In trying to get up, he is like a turtle on its shell, yet he is quite capable of turning a back flip if finds a coin on the street. In that case, it is not he that turns the back flip (he is quite incapable after all) it is the sheer joy that overtakes him. His mask features wrinkles, warts and a big nose. He spoke in the Venetian dialect.

The Dottore, has a number of names (Balanzone, meaning balance—he can argue both sides of any issue infinitely, or Gratziano, meaning free, because he offers his advice free of charge to anyone who will listen), but is often just called Dottore. He is always fat and usually jolly, but no less greedy than the Magnifico. He wears a mask covering only his forehead and nose, leaving his cheeks exposed and painted red. He is the only character of the Commedia who moves from place to place in a circular fashion and often jumps (and jiggles a bit afterward) to announce his arrival to a certain spot. He leads with his belly thrust forward, causing his spine to form an inverted “C” from shoulders to hips.

He is very gastronomic and believes in a good meal almost as much as he believes in his own intelligence. He hails from Bologna (home of a famous university and famous food) and he is not a medical doctor, but rather an academic or lawyer. This doesn't stop him from offering medical advice, of course. But whether practicing law or medicine, there is no evidence he actually knows what he is talking about. He has the contradiction of being the wise fool, not unlike Owl in Winnie the Pooh. He often speaks a Latin sounding gibberish, ad nauseum ad infinitum etc., to appear smarter. Sometimes il Dottore is played as a blustery old fool, other times as a complete charlatan and quack. A common lazzo of the Doctor is to begin delivering a monologue to the audience and refuse to stop speaking until he is literally dragged, still speaking of course, from the stage by his fellow players.

* * * * *

The gestures, movements, leaps, masks, combat techniques, walks and lazzi of the characters must be seen to be fully learned. Indeed, even then, it could take a lifetime to master a single role.

Hopefully this essay has made clear some of the fundamental principals of this classic art form, and will serve as a step in the right direction in clarifying some of the more common misconceptions. It cannot be said any better than it was said to me by the great Pulcinella descended from a line of great Pulcinellas, il Maestro Antonio Fava. “In Commedia dell’Arte, we study for to make laugh the audience.”

It cannot be said more perfectly than that.

The Suit: A Book Review

The Suit: A Machiavellian Approach to Men’s Style

Nicholas Antongiavanni

Harper Collins, USA, 2006, 230 pp.

Everyone sees how you appear, few touch what you are.

--Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince

Political speech writer Michael Anton, under the pen name Nicholas Antongiavanni, has written a parody of Niccolò Machiavelli’s political treatise, The Prince entitled, The Suit: A Machiavellian Approach to Men’s Style. In addition to being fun to read, the book contains many practical tips for men on dressing for the workplace, includes scathing critiques of the fashion industry, and declares war on “business casual.”

In this book Anton describes in complete detail every bit of essential knowledge, not only on buying and wearing suits, but more importantly, why men should. In addition to providing a chapter for the young (“take care not to offend with fanciness” such as bow ties, suspenders, or colored shirts with white collars), he provides chapters devoted to the short, the tall, the stout, the muscular, the thin and the oddly shaped man. Also included are chapters devoted to the history of the modern business suit (technically called a lounge suit owing to its origin as an informal garment—it was the track suit of its day), as well as a clear comparison of the leading types of cuts (called silhouettes) ranging from London to Milan to Naples. He gives practical advice on shoes, (to see if a man is well dressed, look down.) And he nicely avoids the pitfall of being too stuck on “the rules,” emphasizing the words of style writer Alan Flusser, “the truly stylish man knows enough about the rules to know how and when to break them.”

Much like Machiavelli’s The Prince, it is not always easy to tell when the author is exaggerating, and when he is deadly serious. Anton credits “business casual” with causing the first recession of the 21^st century, writing that, “after the accounting firm Arthur Andersen introduced [business casual] into England, Savile Row tailor Angus Cundy predicted that it would cause their ruin—and soon after the firm imploded in the Enron scandal. Thus,” writes Anton, “if you work in an environment where ‘business casual’ is decreed, I recommend that you wear suits to do your part to kill off this unfortunate trend and save the global economy.” Far reaching as that statement may be, there is also a fair amount of sense to the notion that if corners are cut with regard to clothing, they are likely being cut elsewhere, too.

In an interview with the National Endowment of the Humanities, Anton elaborated more on the concept of “business casual” saying that it has, “actually caused a lot of confusion and angst among men. The feeling is, I know how to wear a suit and tie every day, even if I find it boring or if it annoys me, but I know what it is. What is business casual? A jacket but no tie? Is it jeans? Are khakis okay?” In that same interview Anton pointed out that far from being a garment of hierarchy or superiority, “the point of the suit was to rid clothing of status distinction… During America’s postwar economic expansion, the era from, say, ’45 to ’65,” he writes, “you could not tell by dress the CEO from yesterday’s hire.”

Anton also delivers a scathing critique of men’s fashion, not to be confused with men’s style (fashion is fleeting, style remains virtually constant). He writes that “after crossing the Alps into France, [the lounge suit] inspired a women’s couture designer to experiment with men’s clothes for the first time. Thus began the era of the menswear designer, which swept back into Italy like a plague of locusts, then engulfed the world, and under which we still suffer.” Anton reminds the readers that they need not get caught up in the expensive, short lived, and sometimes ridiculous clothing offered by fashion houses, movie stars and magazines (which all conspire together, incidentally) instead advising that, “you should strive to imitate the great dressers of the 1930s, who…designed unique wardrobes for themselves, ensuring that not only would they always be stylish, but that they would never look exactly like anyone else.”

This distinction between fashion and style is perhaps the most important point that Manton makes. It is a concept that if well understood, could save men enormous sums of money, at the same time allowing them to purchase better quality and better styled garments.

Tongue in cheek, no doubt, he implores men in characteristically Machiavellian language to find their own style. “Men are content to rely on wives, girlfriends, and mothers,” he writes, “to select and purchase their clothes. But there has never been a well-dressed man who was dressed by a woman…being by their nature drawn to latest fashions…” Anton also considers the political consequences of the “fashion industrial complex” (my phrase, not his) by asserting that, “Al Gore was ruined the moment he placed himself in the hands of that wardrobe consultant who advised him to wear earth tones. Similarly,” he continues, “you should approach salesmen with caution, for…their interests diverge from yours.”

Not surprisingly, he eschews neckties which “display irregular and unsightly patterns printed on silk that leap out in front of the shirt as if to announce the awkwardness of the wearer.” Nor is he shy in his contempt for the current state of men’s style in the United States, “what could be more difficult,” he asks, “than to rescue an America that is shabbier than the English, haughtier than the French, more fashion-enthralled than the Italians, without style, without class, shoddy, garish, unkempt, vulgar…”

Ultimately, Anton points out that the fault for this lies not only with bad intentions, but a general lack of knowledge and understanding about the so called “rules” of men’s style. In his words, this lack of knowledge is responsible for, “making equally ill dressed those who care and those who do not.”

“To set oneself apart from the generalness of men,” Anton writes, “it is sufficient merely to dress well, and this precludes garishness.” He provides one last Machiavellian passage for those who dare to fight the tyranny of dressing to the lowest common denominator. “And if, as I said, American tastes have gone to hell, that only increases the glory, honor, and gratitude due to you for this marvelous deed.”

The book is beautifully illustrated by Edwin Fotheringham and is a perfect book for anyone interested in learning the rules of men’s dress. Even if only to better break them.

Accessories: Shoes, Umbrellas, Pocket Square, Watches, Pens, Pocket Knives and Money Clips

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

-- Oscar Wilde

Shoes-- Shoes are the subject of much debate in the sartorial world, but I will leave most of that debate for you to discover on your own. The important thing to know is that people are often judged by their shoes. It is often said that when worn with nice shoes, even a cheap suit will look expensive. It was eventually revealed that the doormen at Studio 54 had used shoes as a primary determinant in deciding who was let into the club and who was turned away. There is a reason for that. Shoes reveal more about you than you might think.

I recommend that you get nice shoes. They don't have to be expensive, but they should at least be made of leather. Higher quality shoes typically will also have leather, rather than rubber soles. Shoes made of shell cordovan (a particular kind of horsehide from the hind quarters of the horse) are especially high in quality, and after years of wear will eventually take on a wavy, rather than creased, appearance. Black, burgundy and brown are all appropriate colors, although black is considered the most formal. Black cap toes are the ultimate business or funeral shoe. Consider wingtips or perforated cap toes for a little extra dash of style, but you generally shouldn't wear them with a tuxedo or to a job interview.

Keep your shoes in good shape. This is probably more important than the quality. Use a brush or piece of cloth to rub the polish onto the shoes and use a horsehair shoe brush or another piece of cloth to buff the polish to a high shine.

Like suits, shoes today are often glued together. This means that most of today's shoes are meant to be replaced, not repaired. A nice pair of shoes, however, will be stitched together, and with a few repairs they should last for a lifetime. Those on a tight budget will be able to find very nice shoes available on eBay in many styles, sizes and colors. Generally speaking, the older the shoes the better the construction will be. Stay away from fashionable houses like Prada and Ferragamo unless you want to pay for the name. Instead, look for traditional shoe making companies such as Allen Edmonds, which in addition to making shoes in the US, will also recraft used AE shoes to a virtually brand new state for a reasonable fee.

Ties-- You probably shouldn't wear a tie every day, but you also probably shouldn't rule them out all together. Extremely wide or narrow ties will look a bit dated, so they are probably best avoided. The tie should be tied (typically with a Four-In-Hand or Half Windsor Knot) so that the its widest part reaches the top of your belt. Ties with solid patterns, diagonal stripes, or polka dots are most versatile. Wear ties printed with dogs playing poker, Spider-man or the Beatles at your own risk.

Pocket Squares-- A suit without a pocket square was once referred to as a "naked" suit, and traditionally men would never leave the house without one. The color of the pocket square should complement the color of the shirt, suit or tie, but should never match the tie perfectly. Worn too flamboyantly pocket squares might convey a touch of dandyism or foppishness, but worn discreetly, they can convey a touch of class, sophistication or attention to detail.

Pocket squares can be folded so that a straight edge emerges slightly from the pocket (the TV fold), so that one or more peaks emerge from the pocket (the peak fold), or merely stuffed into the pocket with a puff of fabric emerging (the puff). The first two folds work best with linen squares, while all three folds are appropriate for silk squares. Pocket squares are also useful, should you decide to perform the coin trick taught in this book.

Watches-- A man with class should probably have a nice watch. Again, it doesn't have to be an expensive watch, but should ideally be made of metal, not plastic. Wearing a plastic Timex digital watch with an Oxxford houndstooth suit is like serving a Martini in a red plastic cup, which I also do not recommend. The tradition of a man passing his watch down to his son or grandson is rarely practiced these days. So, why not start it up again?

Pens-- A good pen, and by good I mean not plastic, can be a nice and stylish touch.

Pocket Knives-- Likewise, a pocket knife. Men used to use these for everything from opening the mail to slicing apples, so I'm not sure how we're surviving without them.

Money Clips-- Whether you carry your wallet in your back pocket or breast pocket, it shouldn't be any thicker than necessary. Carrying your cash in a money clip in the front pants pocket can significantly reduce the thickness of the wallet. If you carry your driver's license and a credit card along with a couple of bills, you may not even need to carry a wallet.

Umbrellas-- If you carry an umbrella, it may as well be a sturdy "cane style" one. When not opened, you should carry the umbrella, not by the handle, but by the center. The handle should rest along the inside of your forearm, with your index finger should extending toward the tip of the umbrella. Carried in this way, the umbrella is merely an extension of your arm so you needn't worry about poking anyone accidentally. However, if confronted by thieves, pickpockets or assassins, the umbrella is in the proper grip for either forward or backward jabs. (Don't swing the umbrella like a bat, it will crumple in half, but rather, jab with the tip or the handle.)

Joke Telling: Dying is Easy, Comedy is Hard

"When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front . . . the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred-dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all."

--Jack Benny and his magic violin

To truly be a master of the drawing room, you must master the art of telling a joke. Jokes are a part of our society that are taken for granted these days and rarely given the consideration that they deserve. Most people tell the wrong jokes and at the wrong times. As a consequence, classier people tend to avoid the art of joke telling, for fear of being associated with the wrong type of crowd. But if you learn a few things about telling jokes, you will stand out as a master in this classic tradition, and you can help guide those around you.

First, know when to stop. Jokes, like card tricks, are often abused by amateurs. One or two is enough. Leave those around you wanting more. The purpose of telling jokes is not to be the center of attention, but to create an atmosphere where everyone around you can shine.

In order to create that atmosphere you must know several good, clean jokes. Today dirty jokes are dime-a-dozen and you will rise above that level if you have a command of clean jokes. A good, clean joke is one of the most useful tools a man can have.

Know the difference between the long joke and the short joke. Typically the short joke is the most useful. Don't waste people's time. Set 'em up and knock 'em down. If you have told a couple of jokes and your public is demanding more, then you can deliver a long joke. But to be a master, you need to know the difference, and know when to tell them. Remember the advice of Shakespeare, "Brevity is the soul of wit."

Comedy is one tenth knowing when to talk and nine tenths knowing when to pause. When Johnny Carson asked Jack Benny the secret of comedy, Benny paused for at least 25 seconds (the audience laughing the entire time) before he slowly answered, "timing."

A few short jokes to consider:

• Did you hear the one about the two sausages frying in a pan. The first sausage says "Is it hot in here?" The second sausage says, "My God, it's a talking sausage!"

• What does cheese say when it has its picture taken?

• A waiter comes to a table with a piece of apple pie. He scoops a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top, drops the whole plate on the floor, and smashes it with his foot. Then he puts the whole plate in front of the customer. The customer says, "What did you do that for?" The waiter says, "You said to bring you some apple pie and step on it!"

• Did you hear the NASA is opening a restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's no atmosphere.

• What did one guppy say to the other? (Don't say anything, just make a few of your best fish faces.)

• I slept like a baby last night... I cried for hours and wet myself.

• A doctor says to his patient, "Well, you only have about two minutes left to live." The patient says, "Isn't there anything you can do for me?" The doctor says, "well I can boil you an egg."

And if you really want to crack up some old people, finish by saying, "Well that's the last time I steal a joke from Jack Benny."

These jokes may not be the best, but they are a start. Learn these, and at least you'll have a couple of clean jokes when you need them. [Note: Those are just a few examples of jokes. There are hundreds of thousands to choose from, in hundreds of books. Pick up an old book by Milton Berle and you'll have a repertoire that hasn't been heard in 60 years. Some jokes crack up kids, others crack up senior citizens. Discretion is the better part of valor. You don't have to tell jokes, if you don't want to. The important thing is that in the event that you do want to tell a joke, you don't come up blank. So learn some jokes. Practice them. Make them your own. Give them a try. They might be just what you need some day.]

Here are a couple jokes of the long variety. Remember, when you tell a long joke, the humor should come from the joke itself, not the punchline. People should be engaged, maybe even laughing, from the setup alone. The punchline is the finish, but not the joke. If nobody is smiling during the setup, the punchline won't save you. So learn these long jokes like they are a script for a play. Practice them. Make them sing. If you do that, the punchline will be a knock-out blow.

Long Joke Number 1: The Wide Mouthed Frog

A wide mouthed frog was hopping through the jungle and came across a giraffe. The wide-mouthed frog says, (here you put your index fingers in your mouth, making your cheeks stick out. This will make it hard to speak and you will spit all over, so much the better) "Hey Mrs. Giraffe, what do you feed your babies?" (Now, take your fingers out of your mouth.) The giraffe says, "Wide Mouth Frog, every time you see me you ask me what I feed my babies, now go bother someone else for a change."

Wide Mouth frog goes hopping through the jungle and comes across an Elephant. Wide Mouth Frog says, (repeat fingers in mouth business) "Hey Mrs. Elephant, what do you feed your babies?" Mrs. Elephant says, "Wide Mouth Frog, every day you ask me this! Don't bother me today, just leave me alone. Just get out of here! All right? Just go!"

Wide Mouth Frog goes off hopping through the jungle and comes across an Alligator. "Wide Mouth Frog says, (with the usual voice) "Hey Mrs. Alligator, what do you feed your babies?" Mrs. Alligator says, (make a deep alligator voice) "Wide Mouthed Frogs!"

Wide Mouth Frog says, (Now instead of putting your fingers in your mouth, pucker your lips out very narrowly) "Oh, really!"

Long Joke Number 2: The Bavarian Cream Pie

My grandpa was stationed in Germany after the war. And when I was very small he told me about this little restaurant that served THE best Bavarian cream pie. Apparently he went there every opportunity he had. He couldn't get enough of that Bavarian cream pie - it was absolutely unreal.

Well, a few years ago, my grandpa found out that he had a terminal illness, and only had a few months left to live. So, he booked a deluxe vacation cruise to Europe that would eventually take him to that little town in Germany with the famous Bavarian cream pie.

A few weeks into the cruise, the ship started slowly sinking off of the coast of Portugal. I don't know if you remember that, but it was all over the news at the time. Well the life raft that my grandpa was in also turned out to be slowly leaking. So he helped all of the people that were in his life raft onto another one, but he wouldn't get on himself because it was already so overloaded. So, my grandpa, and I'm not making this up. This was in the news. My grandpa, at 84 years old, swims for over a mile in the Atlantic Ocean to the coast of Portugal.

Water-logged and exhausted, he hitches a ride and gets dropped off about 100 miles outside his destination in Germany. Trying to cross a main highway, he gets clipped by the side mirror of a car, but not badly, and he manages to hitch another ride with some people headed for Germany.

Eventually he catches a bus and arrives in this little town in Germany that he remembered from his youth. He's thrilled to find the old restaurant that he'd loved so much 60 years ago, and he walks in and takes his usual seat at the table by the window. The waitress comes over and my grandpa says, (my grandpa spoke German fluently, by the way), he says, "I know exactly what I want. You have no idea what I've had to go through to get here. I would love a nice big slice of your wonderful Bavarian cream pie."

The waitress says, "Sorry, Sir - but we're all out of Bavarian cream."

My grandpa says, "Apple's fine."

Juggling: The Old Eating the Apple Trick

If you've gotten pretty good at juggling and you're looking for a show stopping trick, then here is the trick for you. Despite its simplicity, this trick is considered by many members of the public to be among the most difficult juggling feats imaginable (short of chainsaws or flaming bowling balls, of course). This trick is detested by most professional jugglers for precisely that reason. Many jugglers have juggled five clubs behind their backs, or seven balls under double pirouettes, only to be asked the stale and inevitable question: Can you juggle while eating an apple?

Jugglers hate that. But their loss is your gain. Once you've mastered the eating the apple trick, the public may mistake you for the greatest juggler of all time. (FYI, unless your name is Anthony Gatto, you are not the greatest juggler of all time, so don't buy into the hype. Francis Brunn also qualifies, but he is certainly not reading this.) Be honest with people. Don't tell them that this is the toughest juggling trick in the world, because it isn't even close. But do feel free to say, "Hey, do you want to watch me juggle and eat an apple?" People will watch.

(Before I explain how to do this trick, a warning: Juggling while eating an apple can be potentially dangerous. If you do it sloppily, you could wind up choking on an apple. Don't choke on the apple. In fact, don't even eat the apple. Just bite off a chunk, chew it up a bit, and spit it out while talking. Spitting apple chunks in every direction is the built in comic device that has made this trick so popular with the public. But watch out, if you start choking people may think it's part of the act.)

Did you read the disclaimer? I hope so. If not, go back and read it. In case you've skipped it, and now you're continuing to read, I'll repeat it. This trick poses a choking hazard. Don't swallow the apple bits. Just bite, chew and spit.

Okay. To eat an apple while juggling there are two major techniques. The first technique is simply to begin juggling two balls and an apple. Then, throw one ball higher than usual and using the extra second afforded to you by the high toss bring the apple to your mouth and bite off a chunk. Return that hand to the catching position in time to throw the bitten apple and make the catch. This can be repeated with either hand. Anytime the the bitten apple is in the air, you can make the next throw a high toss, catch the bitten apple, and take a bite. And anytime the bitten apple is in a hand you may make a high toss with the opposite hand and take a bite during the pause.

Of course, the difficult part is to remember to continue talking and spitting apple chunks without accidentally choking to death. If you find this trick difficult, continue practicing your basic three ball cascade until it is virtually automatic. Then begin making an occasional high toss. Try tapping a ball to your chin while waiting for the high toss to come back down. Eventually, you will find the timing. (Consult the video for visual demonstrations.)

An even easier way to perform this trick is to learn to juggle two balls in one hand. Learning to juggle two balls in one hand is easier than learning to juggle three balls in two hands, so for you it should be no problem. Hold two balls in one hand. You'll want the balls to stay on the same plane that they are on when you juggle three. They can be juggled in an oval shaped pattern either away from the center of the body or toward the center of the body. Away from the body center is easiest. I believe this is called a two ball outside fountain. Give it a try.

How'd that go? No problem? It's always a good idea to practice with both hands so that your body stays balanced. You will also be able to eat the apple faster if you have the ability to alternate hands. The trick is merely to juggle two balls in one hand while the free hand raises the apple to your mouth and you take a bite. This is repeated and alternated in both hands until the apple is significantly eaten. Then toss the apple core to a happy child.

You can also combine both of the above methods in whichever way you wish. The same trick can also be performed with a banana. Juggle two apples in one hand while using your teeth to peel the banana. Then switch hands, take a bite, switch again and repeat until the banana is eaten. The banana will pose a significanly reduced choking risk. And everybody knows that bananas are just funny.

But don't throw the banana peel on the ground. They're dangerous.

Dice: Fate, Chance, Skill and Pigs

Dice are handy, classy objects that seem to get very little play today, despite being among the most awesome things a man dig out of his pockets. Dice are the very symbol of fate, chance and gambling, and I can't think of the last time I've seen anyone roll a die outside of a casino or a game of Chutes and Ladders. There is no reason for that. They take up even less space than a pack of playing cards, and if you pick up a nice set of bone or wooden ones, you're just that much more stylish.

The history of dice is a long and interesting one, but here I will only mention that loaded or "crooked" dice, significantly predate the "honest" ones. Many early dice were carved from pig or calf ankles (called knuckles) and today dice are still occasionally referred to as knuckles or bones. One classic dice game described in John Scarne's definitive 1945 book, Scarne on Dice is called "Pig," possibly owing to the origin of early dice. Regardless, the rules are simple:

The player with the highest roll goes first. Each turn, a player repeatedly rolls the die until either a 1 is rolled or the player passes. If the player passes before a 1 is rolled he or she will score the sum of the rolls on that turn. If a 1 is rolled before the player passes then no points are scored on that turn. A player must score 20 points to enter the game, and the first to score 100 points (provided that no other players reach 100 points during the same round) is the winner. If two or more players reach 100 points during the same round, a playoff will occur during which those players will attempt to outscore each other until a clear victor is determined.

This game can also be played with two dice. In this version, all rules are identical, with the following exceptions: If a single 1 is rolled, that player's turn is over and no points are awarded for that round. If double 1's are rolled, then that player loses all points accumulated thus far in the game. All other double rolls count as double the amount showing (for example, double 4's would yield 16 points).

A third variation is to play with pigs. A marketed version exists called "Pass the Pigs" in which two small rubber pigs are rolled. Depending on whether the pigs land on their feet, backs, snouts, or sides, different points are awarded. Should the two pigs land touching each other, that player "pigs out" or loses all accumulated points. In the unlikely event that the pigs are touching each other inappropriately (called "makin' bacon" in the older versions, I believe) then that player is barred forever from the game.

Don't be fooled, though, this is not merely a game of chance, but skill.

To my knowledge no "shaved" or "loaded" pigs exist, but I would not rule out the option.

Chocolate Chip Cookies: The Patriotic Cookies

What is there to say about chocolate chip cookies that hasn't already been said? The origin is a little disputed, but it is clear that the cookies were invented in 1934 by Ruth Wakefield at the Toll House Inn in Whitman, Massachusetts. Apparently, she had run out of baking cocoa powder to make chocolate cookies, so instead used broken up chunks of Nestle semi-sweet chocolate bars. During WWII, soldiers from Massachusetts shared the cookies in their care packages with soldiers from all over the country and soon the cookies were a nation wide craze. One story claims that Mrs. Wakefield traded the recipe to Nestle for a lifetime supply of chocolate chips.

These cookies are a tasty and quintessential American treat that Europeans had absolutely nothing to do with (well, except for starting the war). These cookies are as red, white and blue as cookies can get, without actually being red, white or blue.

I won't repeat the recipe here, because it is literally on the back of every package of Toll House chocolate chips in the world, but I will add a couple of interesting tips and techniques that might help you on your way.

• The first tip is the most important and useful. There is no need to cook off the entire batch all at once. Fresh cookies warm from the oven are the best. This is an undisputed fact. So, cook only the necessary number of cookies. Wrap the remaining dough in cellophane and keep it in the refrigerator. The dough will stay perfectly good for a week or two (it's highly unlikely that the dough will be around that long, anyway). Anytime you are in the mood for warm cookies, just preheat the oven and cook a few.

• Experiment with flour. The proper amount of flour to use varies slightly due to scientific variables such as altitude, settling and density. Without going into the chemistry debates, I'll just say this. Be prepared to use (approximately) an extra 1/2 cup of flour. You'll want a nice thick, not runny, dough.

• Also for chemistry reasons, it is best to allow the butter to soften at room temperature, rather than melt it in a microwave or pan. Once butter has melted, its chemical properties forever change, resulting in runnier cookies.

• Chill your dough before cooking. You'll want the butter to resolidify before baking. Great bakers even advise a chilled cookie sheet.

• Use unsalted butter, since salt is already called for in the recipe.

• My only other piece of advice is to serve these cookies with a glass of milk.

Old Fashioned Cinnamon Rolls: Like Grandma Used To Make

If the bridge ladies are coming over and you want to do a little something extra, I submit for your consideration: Old-fashioned cinnamon rolls. These gooey cinnamon rolls don't take too long to make, taste as good as any you could buy, fill the house with the smell of dough and cinnamon, and just generally impress.

Here is a classic recipe for Old-fashioned cinnamon rolls that are, dare I say it, just like Grandma used to make:

Ingredients:
1 package of active dry yeast
1/2 cup very warm water
1/2 cup lukewarm milk (scalded then cooled)
1/2 cup sugar
1/3 cup butter, softened (softened at room temp, not in microwave)
1 teaspoon salt
1 egg
3 1/2 to 4 cups all-purpose flour

Cinnamon Mixture:
2 tablespoons butter, melted
1/2 cup sugar
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

Glaze:
1 cup powdered sugar
1 tablespoon milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

• Dissolve the yeast in the warm water in a large bowl. Stir in the milk, sugar, butter, salt, egg and two cups of the flour. Whisk until smooth. Mix in enough remaining flour that the dough easy to handle.

• Place the dough on a lightly floured surface and knead it until it becomes smooth and elastic (about 5 minutes). Place the dough ball in a greased bowl and cover. Let the dough rise in a warm place until it doubles in size (about 90 minutes). The dough is ready when an indentation remains when touched. If you are preparing these cinnamon rolls for your daughter's sleepover friends, this is a good time to tell them that the dough will continue to grow forever, so they should eat it before it eats them. You shouldn't actually lie to children. But it is fun.

• Punch down the dough and roll it out on a lightly floured surface into a rectangle about 9-x 18 inches. Once rolled, spread with melted butter. Mix the sugar and cinnamon together in small dish and sprinkle over the dough.

• Roll the dough lengthwise into a long tube. Seal well by pinching the edges of roll the together. Stretch the roll to make it even. Cut it into approximately two inch slices. Place the slices a little apart on greased pan or cookie sheet (they will grow significantly in the oven, so leave space).

• Cover and let rise until double they once again double in bulk. This will take about 35 to 40 minutes.

• Heat oven to about 375 degrees. Bake until they begin to turn golden brown and then remove them. (The secret to gooey cinnamon rolls is to not overcook them. Remove them as they begin to show signs of being cooked, because they will continue to cook even when removed.)

• Make the glaze by mixing powdered sugar, milk and vanilla together in a small dish. Mix it until it becomes the desired consistency. Add a little more milk if the frosting is too thick; a little more sugar if it's too runny. (Note: these rolls also taste very good without frosting, so that decision is left to you.)
  

As long as you start early, so that you have plenty of time to let the dough rise, these are pretty easy to make. It's worth trying this recipe just to experience that smell of yeast and dough that fills the house. And they really do taste as good as the ones at that other place. Everybody will say so.

And the next time your daughter and her friends run up to you screaming, "Make us cinnamon rolls. Make us cinnamon rolls. You can say what Grandpa always said, "Poof. You're cinnamon rolls." It's not the best joke in the world. But it'll do in a pinch.

Coin Trick: A Must Know for a Fun Older Relative

Coin tricks are an important skill for anyone wishing to be a fun older relative. There are two types of coin tricks; those that require skill and those that don't. I'll start by teaching a great coin trick that requires no skill, other than a little bit of convincing acting.

This trick must be performed for (at the least) a small group of people. This trick is often described as a "barehanded vanish of a coin under test conditions." Sounds impressive, no? Do not underestimate this trick because of its nefarious methodology. It is precisely that direct and nefarious methodology that makes this a powerful effect. It is a better trick than many others requiring a significant level of skill.

Allow a coin to be examined. If you are going for bonus older relative points, the coin should be a silver dollar, or at the very least a 50 cent piece. Roll up your sleeves. Do not neglect this important opportunity to build suspense.

Place the coin on your outstretched palm. Cover the coin with a pocket silk. Allow a member of the audience to reach underneath the silk and touch the coin to verify its presence. Repeat this process with several other members of the audience. When a number of people have verified that the coin is still present, you will very slowly (and with maximum dramatic impact) remove the silk, showing that the coin has vanished.

Later the coin may be reproduced in any manner you desire.

Have you figured out the method yet? As they say in magic books: the secret is simplicity itself. The last person to reach underneath the pocket silk was in actuality, your confederate. This person (choose wisely, you'll want someone who is above all suspicion) removed the coin in the lightly curled fingers of his or her hand while pretending to verify that the coin was still there.

This person may later "plant" the coin in an agreed upon location, or you may use a "pre-planted duplicate" to reproduce the coin, if desired.

There you go. Perform it correctly, and you'll have one of the strongest coin effects in the history of magic.

Marbles: So Old, It's New

On those days when you're feeling pummeled by technology, why not unplug everything for an hour and play marbles. You heard me. This is good, old-fashioned type stuff. Dig out a jar of marbles and dig deep into nostalgia. You may even be able to stretch back into your memory and recall your grandpa. That's who taught me how to play. Well, mine, not yours. I was probably about six.

First, we took turns carefully selecting our marbles from the large clear glass candy jar they were kept in. I remember I always had to have the one that was a perfect robin's egg blue and another one that had a white and yellow splotch and a burnt red strip in its center that we called bacon and eggs. Ultimately, we each chose six marbles. I don't remember what the colors of the other ones may have been but I do know that Grandpa presided over this selection ceremony in a very solemn manner and I always strove to make as strategic choices as possible.

Next, we went outside and Grandpa would draw a very large circle on the driveway. Of course, I was little, so everything seemed huge. Our 12 marbles were arranged in the shape of an “X” inside the ring. A neutral marble was laid in the center and then we lined out six in one direction and six in the other. Who went first was determined by “lagging.” That's when each player kneels down, puts their knuckles on the outside of the circle and flips their large “Shooter” marble as close to the opposite boundary as possible. I always had to have the orange colored cats-eye Shooter. It seemed almost magical. The person whose marble lands closest to the opposite side, without going over, gets to go first.

Now it's a matter of trying to shoot each other's marbles out of the ring while keeping your Shooter in the ring. Your Shooter acts like the cue ball in pool. As long as it stays in the ring and you shoot out your opponent's little marble, you can keep going and pick up your next shot from where the Shooter lies. If your Shooter shoots out of the large ring or you fail to hit a marble out of the ring, your turn is up and it's the other player's chance. If you accidentally shoot one of your own marbles out, your turn is also over and that marble counts for your opponent. First one to shoot out all of the opponent's marbles, plus the seventh neutral one, wins.

I never did it, but Grandad could easily shoot out all of those seven marbles consecutively. He could even call out which one was going out next, just like pool. I remember he only did it a couple of times and then I think he decided to take it easier on me so I would keep on playing. Grandma probably talked to him.

There are as many marble games as there are grandfathers and I don't think there's anything wrong with making up a new game either. The important thing is to get out of the ordinary video game rut and try something new. Try something old. Teach a child. They'll remember you for it.

Or to really spice things up, play for "keepsies."

Wine: Fiasco, The Manly Candle

Candles are nice, but occasionally have a little too much feminine quality to them. A friend of mine recently inquired whether I could invent a "manly candle." I immediately responded that the "manly candle" was invented centuries ago and continues to endure.

The famous Italian bottles of Chianti with the wicker bases (which help stabilize the top heavy bottle design) are technically called, fiascos. Fiasco is the Italian word for flask, or bottle, but ironically led to the English word meaning, a complete failure or disaster. Whether the evolution of the word is related to the unstable shape of the bottle itself, or the fact that those who drink too much of its content are similarly "tipsy" is unclear but players of the Commedia dell'Arte who flopped on stage, were said to have "made a fiasco."

Etamology aside, you should buy a few of these bottles. Drink, cook with, or dump the contents depending on your attitude toward "table wine." The empty bottles will make excellent candle holders. Heat up the bottom inch or two of a candle and jam it in the mouth of the bottle so that there is no risk of the candle making its own fiasco. These holders can last you the rest of your lifetime. As the years go by they will become covered with inches of lovely melted multi-colored waxes. Se bellisimo!

Wine: A Few Tips on Serving

Choosing the right bottle of wine is something that is entirely up to you. Whether you are the type that likes cheap wine ("table wine") or prefers the more expensive bottles, only you can decide. Personally, I prefer table wine for most evenings and save the nicer bottles for special occasions. That's just me, though, others have very different tastes. Here are just a couple of points that are worth keeping mind:

• The types of wine you serve and what you serve it with is left to your own discretion, but avoid making the classic mistake of serving red wine with fish. People will talk.

• Today, most people serve white wines too cold and red wines too warm. The "serve red wines at room temperature" rule is a holdover from days when people lived in damp, cool, castles with damp, cool, wine cellars. Today most houses are considerably more heated than their medieval counterparts, and a bottle of room temperature wine would be decidedly too warm. Adjust for this with the 20/20 rule. Twenty minutes before serving dinner, put a bottle of red wine into the refrigerator, and take the bottle of white wine out. (I once spent a winter in Seattle living in a house with no heating. The red wines served at room temperature were delicious.)

• Some nice wines these days come with bottle caps instead of corks. This is okay. Some believe that bottle caps may improve the wine, because they eliminate the possibility of the wine being infected by the cork, or "corked."

• Use a pocket knife or the knife on the corkscrew to remove the foil from the top of the bottle. Then, use the corkscrew to remove the cork. Don't screw too deeply or you'll risk tainting the wine with cork bits. Remove the cork, using the leverage device on the corkscrew, or brute strength if you've got it. It takes about 100 pounds of direct pressure to remove a cork. Don't spill!

• Speaking of not spilling, while pouring the wine, there is always one last drop that clings to the mouth of the bottle. When you set the bottle upright, that drop will run down the bottle and stain the label and/or tablecloth. There are several ways to deal with this drip, but licking it off isn't one. The best technique is to use your elbow and wrist to rotate the bottle after pouring, causing the drop of wine to coat the entire mouth of the bottle and thus, cease to be a drop.