Shaving: The Lost Art of Old School Shaving

Take a look at the ad above from 1905. When I bought my first safety razor over 100 years later, I paid the same price!

Shaving is something that men need to do constantly, and typically don't enjoy. But it doesn't have to be so bad. One of the major problems for men these days, when it comes to shaving, is that nobody ever taught them how to do it. The old days of fathers teaching sons to shave, have passed. What is there to teach? Buy a can of shaving and some razors and shave, right?

Not really. There is a lot to teach. And most men today don't know these things. One little known fact is that the first ingredient in shaving creams is acid. Another little discussed fact is that razor companies have progressively increased the number of blades men shave with from a single blade (1900-1960) to five bladed cartridges today! For some men (think Bluto from Popeye) this might be necessary, but for the rest, it is not. These blades, with their lift and cut technology are one of the leading causes of skin problems for men. Lifting and cutting blades lead to ingrown hairs which then become red, swollen and infected. Don't fall for what the razor blade companies tell you in the commercials. Don't let them force you to buy more and more expensive blades that you don't need.

Here is a little information about how to get an inexpensive babies butt shave, without destroying your skin, like your grandpa used to do.

• First, shower or wash your face with hot water. This cleans the surface, opens the pores and softens the hairs.

• Look around and find an old school lathering brush and a bar of shaving soap or shaving foam. I live in Paris and found everything I needed at the department store. In the US, you might have to look around a little. Soak the brush in hot water for a minute. Flick the excess water off of the brush and swirl it on the soap (or foam) until it gets very lathery and frothy. Lather it on your face. (Here you will look cooler than if you use the aerosol type, because it will cover your face evenly and smoothly, and you won't look like Santa Clause). Rinse the brush in the hot water, flick off the excess and set it on the shelf to dry.

• You'll want to have one of those old safety razors where the handle unscrews and you can put in double edged razor blade. I went to the flea market and found an old aluminum Gillete Tech from the 1950s for five Euros (the 1905 price)! You could also find them in antique shops or you can buy them new or used online. They often sell very cheaply. You'll also need a packet of blades made specifically for shaving. These will be available wherever you buy your lathering brush.

• Now, gently holding the razor by the lower part of the handle, begin to shave. The razor should be against your face at an angle of approximately 45 degrees (or a bit less). Do not apply pressure. The weight of the razor will be enough to shave. Always shave with the grain, not against. Think in terms of "cutting the hairs really short" not "shaving them entirely off." Ease into the process as slowly as you need to in order to feel comfortable. Change the blades once every week or two, or as they become dull. Change them as often as you like, they only cost about 25 cents each.

• Now rinse your face with hot water.

• And now splash your face with cold water to close the pores.

• Use an astringent and a cotton pad to return the p.h. balance to your skin (which is thrown off by the acid levels in the shaving foam). This also removes all of the remaining specks of hair and foam debris left after shaving.

• Use a gentle aftershave to heal your skin from the shaving process. Don't use the type that doubles as cologne because those are high in alcohol content and will dry out your skin. Use an aftershave balm or lotion.

That's it. Now you know. Shaving is yet another example of technology not actually improving on something. Not only is the old school method better for the skin, it's also cheaper and more fun. With a nice smelling foam, a fun lathering process, a cool old razor and a soothing aftershave, you might actually start to look forward to shaving. How many guys get to say that?

Coca-Cola: The Pause that Refreshes

"Housework brings that urge to pause and relax in an easy chair. Do it... with ice-cold Coca-Cola. It add to relaxation what relaxation always needs... pure, wholesome refreshment."

You know what goes well with a game of chess. Well, lots of things, actually: cigars, Martinis, espresso, Mexican hot chocolate... But if you're not in the mood for any of those things and you just want a quick easy beverage to share with someone, how about popping the top off an eight ounce bottle of Coke?

I'm not trying to advertise for them. They didn't pay me anything. But here's why I like those eight ounce glass bottles that you can still occasionally find: They taste good. Eight ounces is a relatively reasonable serving size. And they have a cute nostalgic quality that people really like.

It doesn't have to be Coke, either. A bottle of root beer is equally charming in the nostalgic category, and arguably tastes even better. Orange soda doesn't lag far behind.

But, for me, I'll always think of Coke, because I once moved to New Orleans just so that I could meet my childhood hero, and when I met him one scorching summer's day he offered me a bottle of Coke. I won't tell the whole story here, but that's the drift of it, and I suppose the moral of the story is:

If you want to be a really classy host on a hot summer's day, have a couple of cold bottle of Coke in the fridge, just in case. Or root beer. Or orange soda. Because that's just the kind of classy guy you are.

Chess: There's Just Not Enough of it Out There

I won't teach you how to play chess, here. Either you already know how to play chess, or you don't. If you don't already know how to play, than you have two choices: Learn to play, or play checkers. Either are fine options. Even chess players could benefit from playing the occasional game of checkers. Both are classic.

If you decide to learn, you should learn from someone personally. It's more fun that way.

There are two types of chess players: those who think they know how to play, and those who actually know how to play. People who actually know how to play are pretty rare and probably have Russian sounding names. These people know gambits and basically attempt to learn each of the nearly infinite potential combinations that can occur on a chess board. You don't need to be that way, although if you are, I would love it if you would teach me some things.

I think that people should play more chess. I love to play, and I haven't played in years because none of my friends play. That is the point of this essay. I think that more chess should be being played, in cafes, in parks, at schools, so I appeal to you. Get a nice board for home, and cheaper set you can throw in a back pack, and play chess more. Or checkers, if that's your thing.

Hot Chocolate: The Mexican Way

Who doesn't love hot chocolate? I mean really, who doesn't? I dare somebody not to like hot chocolate. I would be very suspicious of someone who didn't like hot chocolate. Well, the lactose intolerant perhaps, because they might be used to the paper envelope in the boiling water type. But everyone else, I dare you.

Instead of just mixing chocolate powder in milk on the next snowy morning or blustery evening, why not make something a little more authentic and interesting, like Mexican hot chocolate?

There are many variations, but here, I will provide a simple one.

• Use two cups of milk to serve two people. Whole milk will be richer. Live life.

• For two cups of milk, use four ounces of dark bitter chocolate (better yet, if you can find it, use a four ounce disk of Mexican chocolate, such as Ibarra).

• A splash of vanilla (real vanilla if possible).

First add a little splash of vanilla to the milk. Warm up the milk and the chocolate until the chocolate is melted and the milk begins to boil. Remove it from the heat and whisk with vigor to make your hot chocolate extra frothy. Pour into nice mugs. Do not pour this beautiful chocolate into a coffee mug that you got for free from your insurance company. Respect your hot chocolate by serving it in appropriate mugs. If you're with someone special, there is enough for both of you. If you are planning to curl up alone with a good book, congratulations, you can have both mugs. If you have kids, I hope you doubled the recipe.

You can add a dash of cinnamon if you like, or even chili powder, or both. If you prefer yours a little less bitter, add a spoonful of sugar. If you have an electric mixer than you can whip up some fresh heavy whipping cream with or without a little sugar, and scoop some on top.

Move somewhere where it snows a lot, and enjoy!

(Note: I learned a trick from a friend, who learned this trick from Martha Stewart, and now I'll pass it along to you. If you whip up a big batch of whipping cream, you can put scoops of it on a sheet of wax paper and freeze them. When they're frozen, put them in a airtight container and whenever you want, you can grab a frozen ball of whipped cream and toss it into your hot chocolate. It'll keep your drink from being scalding hot, and taste great, too. It beats the aerosol stuff in a can, that's for sure.)

Cigars: The Basics

"When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage... When you can't think of what you are supposed to say next, you take a puff on your cigar until you do think of your next line."

-- George Burns

There is a lot to learn about cigars. But luckily, there is not much that one has to learn. Here, I will include only the very basics about cigar smoking, should you choose to smoke a cigar.

Size, shape and color-- A cigar is not like a suit. It is not something that you will be wearing for the next twenty years. People will not look at you and make assumptions about you by the type of cigar that is inside your inner breast pocket. When choosing a cigar, choose the one that has a shape, color and price that suits your mood. However, there are a couple of points to keep in mind.

Different cigar names are associated with different shapes and sizes, but there is no universal standard. In general, Churchills are long and fat, Rothschilds are short, etc. I wouldn't worry about it, instead choose the size based on the amount of tobacco that you want to smoke and the time you'll have in which to do it.

Nicer cigars are called long-filler, meaning that the cigar is made with tobacco leaves which run the entire length of the cigar. Cheaper cigars are short-filler, meaning that the cigar is made from a bunch of "scraps" of tobacco leaf. Long filler cigars will "burn" better, but aside from reading the label on the box, it is it difficult to distinguish between the two without destroying the cigar. To quote Shakespeare, "As costly thy habit as thy purse can afford."

Cuban cigars are nice, but generally overhyped. Smoke them if they're available, but don't buy into any nonsense that only Cuban cigars are worth smoking. George Burns was famous for buying the 99 cent cigars to give out (that was a lot back then) but smoking the 5 cent cigars himself. That is not bad advice. If the cigar shop you are in produces its own house brand, why not give it a try?

When it's time to smoke the cigar there are three big questions. How to cut it, how to light it, and what to do with the cigar band. They'll cut it and light it for you at the shop, if you're going to smoke it right away.

The Cut-- Cut it with a cigar cutter if you have one, or you can just use your teeth to remove the paper at the tip. There is nothing wrong with biting the cigar, just don't bite into the tobacco.

The Light-- Light it with a butane cigar lighter if you have one, or you can just light it with wooden matches. Ask for matches when you buy your cigars and they'll give you a couple of boxes. Paper matches are too short and don't work. Cigarette lighters will fill the cigar with lighter fluid fumes. Hold three wooden matches, strike them all at once, and light the thing while puffing. (You do know that you never inhale cigar smoke right?)

The Band-- The band may be removed whenever you want, as long as it is removed before it burns. If the cigar marks a special occasion, save the band.

(Two notes: Try not to flick the ash, because you might also extinuguish part of the flame. Just let it get longer and longer until it falls off on its own. You can help it along a little, but be careful of your flame. Rotate the cigar as you smoke it, and you will help ensure an even burn. If one side of the cigar is burning significanly faster than the other, you'll need to relight it.)

That, and a nice glass of scotch on rocks, outta do it.

Sewing: Win Hearts with a Hand Stitched Teddy Bear

You've got your own sewing kit. You've attached a few buttons. You've made a few repairs and a few friends. You know how to secure threads and bury looses ends. It's time to put that knowledge to good use by hand stitching a teddy bear. A four carat diamond doesn't even say "I love you" like a hand sewn teddy bear.

And you can do it. It will take time, but not too much. If you put in an hour a day, the project should be over in less than two weeks. We live in a society that defines "making a teddy bear" as going to a store in the mall, pointing to a limp bear, and watching as a machine stuffs it with the requested amount of fluff. Ha! Not you. You are the man who keeps the past alive. You are a man's man and a woman's man, all at once!

Here's how to do it:

• Go to a local fabric store. Look through their pattern books and pick out your favorite pattern for a classic teddy bear.

• Pick up the necessary amount (usually a yard or two) of your chosen fabric. (The furry fabrics are okay, but tough to use; also consider buttersuede, or corduroy.)

• Pick up some thread. Since you're hand stitching, you'll probably want to use embroidery thread. You'll also need a pack of embroidery thread needles. Choose some colors of thread that match the fabric and some that slightly contrast, to use for accents. And brown for the nose.

• Select two really nice buttons for the eyes. Not fake teddy bear eyes, but old school buttons.

• You'll also want to make sure that you have a scrap of felt to give shape to the nose. Also, it's nice to have a few scraps of different fabrics if you want to make a bow tie or some appliques (shapes that you cut out of fabric and attach by sewing around the entire edge of the shape; often heart shapes).

• Grab a bag of stuffing, and you're ready to go.

Follow the directions, but don't stress about every little detail. Don't worry about making the darts and notches to minimize bunching. Just cut out the shapes. Stitch them together where you're supposed to using an over and under stitch about quarter inch away from the edge. (Just be sure that when you finish a stitch you finish it with a knot.) Attach the pieces in the proper order. And voila!

You're an artist, so the rest is up to you!

Sew A Button: The Gateway to Bigger Sewing Jobs

A man with class should have a sewing kit, a nice one, with a cloth measuring tape, needles, spools of thread, a seam ripper and a tomato shaped pin cushion. (What's a sewing kit without a tomato pin cushion?) Put everthing in a nice wooden cigar box and it will demand respect. We are living in a disposable age. If something rips, we throw it out. If a button falls off, we throw out the whole jacket. If a seam unravels, we throw out the whole coat. The man with class knows better. At the root of class, lies respect. With proper attention, care and respect, the clothing around you will be healthy and happy for a very long time. The same can be said for everything in a man's life.

There are two points I would like to make clear. First, the skills required to sew on a button, are very similar to the skills needed to make more complex repairs; By learning to attach buttons, you are learning to sew. Second, prevention is as important as repair. A stitch in time saves nine, right? Make the repairs when they first become necessary and the repairs will take only moments. One of the joys of making quick sewing repairs is the knowledge that those are the little types of jobs that so often go undone in other households. But not on your watch. You are not intimidated by those little projects. You are the guy who gets those jobs done.

Threading the Needle-- Pick an appropriate colored thread and cut off a very long length (about a yard). In the beginning, you'll want to use a needle with large eye. Over time, as you become better at threading needles, you can decrease the size. Do not use those wire needle threaders. Stick to tradition. Personally, I can thread a needle behind my back (I'll teach you to do it a little later). One trick to threading a needle is to hold the end of the thread so it only just barely protrudes from between the tips of your pinched index finger and thumb. Think about putting the eye of the needle over the thread instead of the other way around. With a little practice you'll be doing it in no time.

Got it yet? Pull the needle to the half way point, so that the ends of the thread are even. You'll be using a doubled up thread to attach buttons, meaning that you can get by with half as many stitches.

The Pick Stitch-- Another point to keep in mind is that if the material you are attaching the button to is double layered, such as the wool in a suit jacket or overcoat, then it won't be necessary to go all the way through both layers of the fabric with the needle. Instead, use the needle as a "pick" so that it only passes through the top layer of fabric. This way there will be no evidence, from either side, that the button has been reattached.

If you are following very very closely, you might be thinking. "But, if I just pick through the top layer then won't that leave the knots and the loose ends of the thread on the topside of the coat?" Wow, you are very observant! That is an excellent question. If you were to fix a hole in a sock, for example, you would begin by turning the sock inside out (thus, when you are done, your knots and loose ends will be on the inside of the sock). But buttons are a little different because you don't want to leave any "work" showing on either side of the coat.

Bury the Loose Ends-- First, do not cut the threads near the knot. If you trim too near to the knot, sooner or later (probably sooner), it will come untied. If you trim further away from the knot, the ends will forever poke out screaming, "amateur!"

So, this is what you'll do. Thread both loose ends through a needle (both together or one at a time). Next, run the needle under the first layer of fabric (starting at a point directly under the button), then run it for a length of several inches and then back to the surface. Then, pull the threads tight, so that the coat bunches up a little bit for the length of those several inches. Now, snip the threads where they are emerging from the coat. The ends of the thread will vanish into the coat, between the two layers of fabric, never to be seen again.

That method will be useful anytime that you wish to bury loose ends of thread. If you are attaching a button with a stem on the back, then the above information should be all you need to get you started. If you are sewing on a classic button with holes, then there are a couple of more points to consider.

Make a Stem-- Typically, on coats and jackets, these buttons are not sewn flush with the jacket. They usually have a little slack, making them a little more functional. So, adjust accordingly. Leave the button securely fastened, but a little wobbly. Then, take your extra length of thread and wind it (many times) around all of the other threads between the button and the coat, forming a stem. Secure this by winding a large loop around the stem, threading the needle through the loop, pulling tightly, and repeating. Afterward, bury the loose ends as before.

Types of Stitches-- You can attach a four hole button with two parallel stitches, two cross stitches, or turn the button diagonally and makes a chicken's foot stitch. In the event that you use a chicken's foot stitch, the foot should always be "climbing up." But unless you want to reattach all of the buttons, it's probably best to just match the stitch on the other buttons.

Thread a needle behind your back-- I have heard of legendary tailors who could thread a needle behind their back, but I'm not so sure that they didn't just cheat like I do. Here's my cheat method. Thread a needle, and hold the thread between the tips of your thumb and index finger, with the needle concealed in your curled lower three fingers. It should look like you are merely holding a piece of thread. Pick up a needle with your other hand and place both hands behind your back. Now "pin" the loose needle to a safe place such as the inside of your jacket or the waistband of your trousers. Bring your hands forward to reveal the threaded needle. Accept the applause that you don't deserve.

Eventually the guilt will burden you, and you will probably just learn to do this trick legitimately. Don't forget to remove the extra needle at some point before you sit down.

The Moral to the Story-- Sewing buttons is fun!

Juggling: The Proper Three Ball Cascade and a Lesson About Life

Now let's learn to juggle three balls properly. Do not rush things. If you skip steps now, you will pay for it later. We are going to begin with just one ball. Practice with one ball first. Until you have mastered the basic throw and catch, don't even think about picking up the second ball. Likewise, until you have mastered two, resist the temptation to try with three. If you rush ahead, you will end up with bad habits, and breaking those bad habits will be hard and painful. Take your time. Be patient. Progress slowly. Relax. And don't forget to breathe.

Please note: The basic pattern for juggling an odd number of objects is called a cascade, meaning that the balls cross in front of your body. They do not travel a circular path, they cross. This is a common misconception about juggling. The circular pattern is a more difficult and advanced pattern called a shower. But you must first learn the cascade.

One ball-- Stand with your feet shoulder width apart. Elbows bent at about 90 degrees and close to your body. Forearms parallel to the ground. One ball in your favorite hand. Look straight ahead. Throw that ball into the air so that it makes an arc in the air in front of you. As it descends, it should fall precisely into your other hand. The highest point of the arc should be somewhere between eye level and a few inches higher than the top of your head. Then throw the ball in the exact same manner back to the original hand and repeat. And repeat. And repeat.

Here are some points to consider while practicing with one ball. You should not progress any further until you have mastered the following:

• You should not be moving your feet. At all. Be very strict about this rule, as if they are glued to the floor. Do not move them.

• Do not reach forward to make a catch. The secret of juggling is to make good throws, not good catches. You must throw the ball so that it falls with minimal effort into the waiting hand.

• Do not reach up to catch a ball. Let gravity bring the ball down into the waiting hand. If you reach up to make a catch, you are robbing yourself of potential time during which you will eventually need to be dealing with other balls.

• Do not look at your hands. If you look straight ahead you will see the balls clearly when they are at the peak of their arc. At that point it is easy to know where they will fall. Anticipate their descent. Be proactive, rather than reactive. Your brain is a high speed calculator. It can easily make the minimal adjustments necessary to catch the balls.

• Relax. Relax your shoulders. Breathe. Practice. Remember to make good throws. Try it a few times with your eyes closed. It should be possible. Make a perfect throw, and the catch will happen almost automatically.

• Absorb the impact of the catch slightly, as if the ball were an egg. Be smooth and gentle. These are not bricks that you are juggling. They are lightweight balls. Treat them like that. Practice a little longer.

Two Balls-- There is very little more to add here, except that now you will have one ball in each hand. The throws will be exactly the same. Got that? Exactly the same throws. Do not do anything differently. Catching is less important throwing. (You will not throw both balls to the same point. If you did, they would collide. Your left hand will throw to a point about 8 inches above, and 18 inches in front of your right shoulder. The right hand will throw to that same point but over and in front of the left shoulder. If the balls left a trail of smoke, those trails would cross approximately 18 inches in front of the center of your breast plate. I don't mean to make this seem difficult, it's really quite easy. Take a look at the video if you'd like a visual.) Throw the first ball. When it reaches the apex of it's parabola, throw the second ball so that it passes under the first. Catch the first. And then catch the second. Stop. Breathe. Try a few more times. Two throws, two catches and nothing more. Now try again, beginning with the other hand.

Remember do not move your feet. Do not reach forward to make the catches. Practice good throws. This is not a rushed procedure. Do not throw both balls at the same time. The whole process should take about four seconds.

• One- throw the first ball.
• Two- throw the second ball.
• Three- catch the first ball.
• Four- catch the second ball.

Now try alternating hands. Start with the right hand. Make two throws and two catches. Now start with the left hand. Make two throws and two catches. Try it with your eyes closes. It should be possible. Difficult, but possible. Relax. Take lots of breaks. Don't get frustrated. Relax. Have fun. Do not let the balls rule your emotions. They are just stupid little balls. You are the master. Got that? Ready to try three? Here goes nothing.

Three balls-- Nothing new happens now, either. Same timing. Same throws. The goal is to make three throws and three catches and then pause. Start with two balls in your favorite hand. The hand with two balls will throw first.

• When the first ball reaches its peak, throw the second ball and catch the first.

• When the second ball is at its peak, throw the third ball and catch the second.

• Then, catch the third in the hand that is now holding the first. (Try to catch it in your fingers, since the first ball is already in that hand.)

• You have just made three throws and three catches. You have just juggled.

Don't rush things. Don't move your feet. Make good throws. Don't reach forward. Look straight ahead. Do it again and again and again. Try starting in the other hand first. When you can consistently make three throws and three catches starting from either hand, move on to four throws. Then five. Then six. Each time a hand opens to throw a ball it will also catch one. Somewhere around twelve or fifteen throws, you will be able to stop counting and just juggle.

Congratulate yourself. You have just learned the most difficult skill in this book. Juggling is a metaphor for life. And you have just kicked its ass. That's just the kind of guy you are.

Juggling: Theory and A Simple Three Ball Trick

Juggling three balls proficiently is a skill that will announce loudly to those around you, "Yes, I do have too much free time; but no, that time was not wasted." When you casually juggle three oranges at the office, those around you will reflect sadly on all the time they have spent playing video games when they should have been learning to juggle. But you will not rub your victories in their faces. You will teach them to juggle. Because that's just the kind of guy you are.

Juggling three balls proficiently is also, by the way, a skill that takes some time and dedication to learn. Some will learn in months, others learn in less than an hour. I have taught hundreds of people to juggle from all walks of life (seriously, all walks of life). And all of them learned to juggle. This is not a testament to my skills as a teacher, but rather, a testament to unexplored abilities that lie within each and every human being. I have often heard the excuse, "but I'm not very coordinated, I can't learn to juggle." That is a lie.

You can learn to juggle. (If you don't have hands, you can still become very good at foot juggling.) If you do have two hands and the ability to move them, you have no excuses. In fact, juggling is often used as physical therapy for those with coordination or vision impairments. In fact, one of the best jugglers in the world, initially learned to juggle as a means to overcome his gross motor skill impairments. Juggling is also very good exercise (think of all of the bending over you'll do to pick up the balls you drop.) All you'll need are three juggling balls, oranges or wadded up socks and a lot of patience and persistence. Let's learn to juggle, shall we?

Alright. First let's start with a simple trick that should only take a couple of minutes to learn. You'll be able to do this right away.

The Orangutan-- This is the easy one. This trick is funny. If you announce that you can juggle, and then you do this trick, and you are not on a stage at a Juggling convention, then you will get a positive reaction. It is called the Orangutan because you will inevitably look a little like an Orangutan as you perform this trick. Whether you try to look like an Orangutan or not is up to your own personal sense of style. (I generally wouldn't advise it.) The three balls should be sitting on a table in front of you.

• Pick up a ball with your left hand and place it in your right armpit.

• Pick up a ball with your right hand and place it in your left armpit.

• Pick up a ball with your left hand.

• Drop the ball from your right armpit and catch it in your right hand (this is as hard as it gets).

• Place the ball in your left hand into your right armpit.

• Drop the ball from your left armpit and catch it in your left hand.

• Place the ball in your right hand into your left armpit.

• Repeat a few more times and call it a day.

You've just learned to juggle three balls (sort of). That wasn't so hard, was it?

Mixing Drinks: The Secret of the Drawing Room

"A dry Martini, you always shake to Waltz time."

--Nick Charles in The Thin Man

Mixing drinks is an essential skill of the drawing room. Whether you, personally, drink them or whether you don't is entirely up to you. But those around you likely will, and they will appreciate it when you mix for them the finest martini ever mixed. You will help resolve the arguments about whether a martini should be shaken or stirred. You will set straight the confusion about how much vermouth belongs in a dry Martini. These are not easy questions to resolve, so let's set to it right away. It is time for a three Martini lunch and you are the cook.

The drinks that will be covered here are all fairly easy to mix, and are all absolute classics. Stick to this list and you won't go wrong. All that is required are good bottles of gin, bourbon and vodka. Any quality bottles will do, but my personal choices are Tanqueray, Four Roses and Kettle One, respectively. Other good options are Gordons, Maker's Mark and Grey Goose.

In addition, you'll want to get a martini shaker. They are ubiquitous so if you don't have one, go somewhere and pick up a nice stylish one. You'll also need some vermouth. Martini and Rossi is a safe bet, but other French and Italian brands are more unique, so get those if you can find them. You'll want to get a bottle of dry, white vermouth and a bottle of sweet, red vermouth. In addition to making martinis, you can use these vermouths in your pasta sauces.

You'll want a few garnishes and mixers. A jar of stuffed green olives, an assortment of lemons, limes, oranges and maraschino cherries. Also: nice toothpicks, sugar cubes, a bottle of tonic water, a few different shapes of glasses and lots of ice.

With these ingredients, you can mix nearly a dozen Martinis, a couple of Manhattans, a Gin and Tonic, and that drink of drinks: The Old Fashioned.

wo major debates. How much vermouth should go into a Martini? And should a Martini be shaken or stirred? But first, a little background.

A Classic Martini consists of stirring two ounces of gin with 1/2 ounce of dry white vermouth over ice until extremely cold. The liquid is then strained out of the ice and into a glass. The drink is garnished with either one or two stuffed green olives, or a twist (a thin slice of lemon peel twisted over the glass and then dropped in). Although history is a bit cloudy on this issue, these garnishes seem to be the origin of Charles Dicken's ironically chosen name, Oliver Twist. As in, Olive or Twist?

This exact same drink can be made, but with the substitution of vodka for gin. This is often referred to as a Vodka Martini but is properly named a Kangaroo.

In all cases, if the Martini is shaken as opposed to stirred, then it is referred to as a Bradford.

Shaking a Martini has five major advantages. It more fully dissolves and integrates the vermouth. It makes the drink far colder. It causes the drink to be very slightly "watered down" and thus, less sharp. It looks neat, and thanks to icons like Nick Charles and James Bond, it is what people expect. And finally, it is fun to do and makes a musical sound.

The advantages of stirring a Martini are as follows. Some afficianados claim that shaking may "bruise" gin, giving it a slightly bitter flavor. Stirring will also produce a less "watered down" drink. Stirring has a musical tink-tinking quality of its own.

If you want to play it safe and use a logical system, then shake martinis made with Vodka, and stir those made with Gin. Debate closed. When you shake a martini, shake it however you like until the shaker becomes ice cold.

Debate number two. How much vermouth should be used? This debate is very tricky because people have gotten some strange ideas from watching too much television. As I've mentioned, a normal Martini will have four parts gin or vodka to one part dry vermouth. A Dry Martini will have something like five parts Gin or Vodka to one part dry vermouth. An Extra Dry Martini would have only a splash of vermouth, and on and on. Today, many Martini bars use ridiculous devices such as misters (makes just a mist of vermouth over the shaker). People continue to request drier and drier Martinis, having no idea why they are doing so, but merely repeating bits of lore and wisdom that they've heard in the movies. Ordering a "Vodka Martini, extra dry" does have a nice ring to it, but it is also sort of stupid. It is the same as saying, "Give me a twelve dollar glass of cold vodka please, but first shake it up a little."

You'll want to avoid that nonsense, and educate those around you. There is one type of person who is well suited to truly drink an Extra Dry Martini and that is the Winston Churchill/George Patton type. Those no nonsense serious drinkers that find the whole mixing drinks notion to be absurd and, frankly, a little "unpatriotic" or "liberal." For those types, and long may they live, I offer the following recipes:

Churchill or Hitchcock-- Five parts Gin and a quick glance at the bottle of vermouth.

Clark Gable-- Run a cork moistened with vermouth around the rim of the glass.

LBJ or the In and Out-- Pour some vermouth in a glass, swirl it around, and dump it out before pouring the Martini.

George Patton-- Point the bottle of vermouth in the direction of Italy.

Anther variant of the Classic Martini that is worth trying is the Dirty Martini, which includes a splash of olive juice from the olive jar. This can be made with or without vermouth.

All Martinis may be serves in any glass that will hold them. Proper Martini glasses are nice, but not mandatory. Consider suiting the type of glass to the individual you are mixing the drink for. Old jars can make suitable glasses in the right context. All martinis are served "straight up" meaning, without ice.

A Manhattan can be made by using bourbon as the base, and sweet red vermouth in place of the dry white variety, using the standard 4:1 ratio. All Manhattans are constructed right in the glass and served with "rocks" or ice. Garnish Manhattans with a cherry or two. A Dry Manhattan mixes Bourbon with white vermouth. A Perfect Manhattan mixes 2 ounces bourbon with 1/4 ounce sweet and 1/4 dry vermouth. These variations should be stirred in the glass before serving.

Pour a couple ounces of gin into a tall glass filled with ice and add a generous splash of tonic water. Squeeze a lime wedge over the drink before dropping it in and stirring. You have just mixed a Gin and Tonic, which is an excellent and refreshing summer drink.

Finally, the Old Fashioned. Crush a sugar cube in the bottom of a sturdy glass. Add just enough water to dissolve the sugar. Add a two or three dashes of bitters if you can find them. Add about 3 or 4 ice cubes. Pour in about two ounces of bourbon. Squeeze an orange wedge over the glass and drop it into the glass. Add a couple of cherries. Stir and serve. And remember:

"Just because a man has more hairs on his head than there are stars in the sky, does not mean that he can throw a party that movies stars will attend...and enjoy...responsibly."

--The Brak Show

Please drink responsibly.

Card Trick: A Card Trick With a Borrowed, Shuffled Pack

Okay. But what do you do when you are handed a pack of cards and told to do a trick? Well, I recommend the following course of action: "Plan C." Understand that all three of these tricks are only slight variants of each other, and thus, not as difficult to remember as it may seem.

Take the pack. Shuffle. Have a card selected. (While the card is being shown, avert your eyes, simultaneously catching a glimpse of the bottom card. Remember that card.) Cut about half of the pack onto the table. Instruct the spectator to return the selected card to the top of that pack. Place the remaining cards on top of those. The selection now appears lost in the pack. But you know the identity of the card on top of the selection. This is known as a "key card."

The deck may now be cut as many times as desired to "really lose the card in the pack." Square the pack and take a glimpse at the new bottom card. Only two outcomes can occur. Either you will see the key card on the bottom (that will happen about once in every fifty-two tries) or you will see a random card.

If the bottom card is the key card, it's your lucky day. Place the deck on the table. Ask the spectator to name the chosen card and instruct them to turn over the top card. It will be the chosen card. They will be impressed. That would be a very good trick.

If, on the other hand, an indifferent card is on the bottom of the deck, you will move swiftly to phase two. Turn the pack face up. (Think about this for a second. This means that now your key card is underneath the selected card.) Pretend to memorize the pack as in "Plan B." Ascertain the identity of the selected card as you go. (Hint: it is the card located on top of the key card. Clear?) Now, continue the trick just as described in "Plan B."

You now have a solid repertoire of card tricks. Unless you are a professional magician, there is no reason why you should ever perform more than two cards tricks in a row. Always leave 'em wanting more, as they say. Now go mix yourself another drink.

Card Trick: "Plan B" and a Good One At That

If, while performing the "Lazy Man's Card Trick", the spectator chooses one of the bottom 13 cards, the trick is over and you will have to perform this trick instead. I call this, "Plan B." But this trick is no less impressive than "Plan A."

While the selected card is being shown around, avert your eyes. (While you're averting your eyes, take a discreet glance at the bottom cards of the deck and note which of the clubs is missing.) Now, you know the identity of the chosen card. That card may now be freely returned to the pack and freely shuffled. The shuffling will destroy any evidence of your "stack," so see to it that the deck is shuffled thoroughly.

Spread the pack face up on a flat surface. Pretend to memorize the order of the pack in exactly 60 seconds. Have someone time you. Be convincing here. Unleash the inner drama kid. Look at the cards. Mumble to yourself. Get stuck. Go back a few cards. (Secretly take note of the cards surrounding the selected card.) Take note of long runs of black cards or red cards, and mention them out loud. You are acting, but you should still try to notice things. Break a sweat. Crying would probably be too much.

Turn your back and instruct the spectator to move the selected card to a different part of the spread. Further instruct the spectator to "wiggle all of the cards around a little bit" so that no trace will be left. Turn around again.

Begin studying the cards. Squint. Sigh. Mumble. Notice the missing card. Notice something is not quite right. Notice the additional card in the new location. Put it all together. Hesitate. Calculate. Mention the Pythagorean Theorem. Call out the identity of the chosen card and remove it from the pack. Toss the card gingerly aside. Accept your well earned applause.

Next: "Plan C."

Card Trick: A Trick That's Almost Too Good To Teach

Skill with a pack of cards is one of the benchmarks of class. A man who can handle his liquor and handle his cards, is a man to be reckoned with. A good card trick is as socially valuable as a good joke.

The following card trick conveys great skill, but actually requires none. I have worked very hard to make it that way. That is my gift to you. Thank me later. Because no skill is required, your mind will be free to fully concentrate on your acting. Like everything else, presentation is critical. Remember back in high school when you had a leading role in the school musical? That time was not wasted. Awaken that little actor within you, pull a pack of cards from the inner breast pocket of your suit jacket, and say, "would you like to see a card trick?"

(What nobody knows, is that you have secretly prearranged the bottom thirteen cards of the deck. The bottom card is the Ace of Clubs. Second from the bottom is the Two of Clubs, followed by the three of clubs, an so on, all the way through the King of Clubs, which will be thirteenth from the bottom. Clear?)

Remove the cards from the box and place the box to the side. Treat the box nicely, as if it were a violin case. Hold the deck face up (the Ace of Clubs should be staring at you). You will now push the cards, "spreading" them from one hand to the other. So as not to reveal any of your "stack" you will first push over a large clump of about 20 or so cards, and then begin spreading normally. As you do this, show the faces of the cards to some of your charming audience and say, "The cards aren't in any particular order."
(Hi. Me again. Italics guy. I just want to make sure everything's clear so far. You didn't let them see the Clubs did you? They'll see the Ace of Clubs, of course, but other than that, all they should see is a moving blur of some of the randomly mixed other cards. Clear? I hope so. It's much easier to do, than to explain.)

Now, the big break for the little actor inside you. As soon as you say, "the cards aren't in any particular order," let about 20 or so cards from the middle of the spread slip out of your hands and fall to the floor. People will laugh. You will look slightly stupid, but it is worth it. This will teach you humility. This is setting them up for the kill. Then say, "Well, at least, not anymore." Another laugh. Now they have realized that you are also clever. And humble.

Square up the cards that have remained in your hands (you didn't drop any of the Clubs did you? You'd better not.) and flip the pack face down. Bend over quickly, collecting the dropped cards, and return them, face down, to the top of the pack. This whole "drop the cards" charade, not only gets a laugh, but it also convinces your audience that the cards are haphazardly mixed, even though you have not disturbed the order of the bottom thirteen cards. And all it took was a little bit of good acting.

You are now holding the deck face down in your hand. The Ace through King of Clubs should still be in order on the bottom of the deck. (Why clubs? Because nobody ever notices the poor little clubs). The audience now thinks that the cards are mixed and that you are an idiot. But you are no idiot. You are several steps ahead of them. They are suckers. Spread out the deck in a straight line on a table or other flat surface. The cards should remain in order and continue to overlap. This spread should be somewhere between 12 and 24 inches long. (Again, this is very easy to do and hard to explain. Just spread the cards out a bit.) As you do, say "maybe I shouldn't even hold them." And then instruct one of the people to remove any card they wish.

As they reach for a card, hope that they don't choose one of the bottom 13 cards. You can improve your odds with the following two tactics:

Don't spread the bottom cards very much. (This is the exact same dodge as you did in your hands a few seconds ago, only now it is face down and on a flat surface.)

Spread the cards in such a way that the person selecting the card is located nearer the top half of the pack.

Those tactics, along with the fact that people gravitate toward the center, anyhow, should keep you safe. If they do choose from your bottom stack, you'll have to do a different trick, which I'll call "plan B." But for now, let's assume they've chosen from the upper three quarters and continue with "plan A."

Tell the person to look at his or her card and show it to the other lovely people in the room. Scoop up the deck and hold it face down in your hand. Avert your eyes so as not to see the chosen card. When the person has finished showing his or her card, cut about half of the deck onto the table. Tell the spectator to place the selection on top of that pile. When that task has been completed, place the remaining cards on top of that. It will appear that the chosen card has been lost in the pack. But all is not lost, because you know the identity of the 13 cards above the selection.

Pick up the deck, extending it toward another spectator, and say "will you please cut the deck?" He or she will cut off a pack of cards. Instruct that person to place the cards on the table. Make an estimate of how many cards were cut. Say that number out loud as you complete the cut, for example, "17" or "34." Make sure the number that you name is between 1 and 52 (for obvious reasons, I hope) and roughly corresponds to the size of the packet that was cut. It takes a knack to do this quickly, but you do not have to be right. You only have to be believable.

Continue this process three or four more times. The chosen card will seem hopelessly lost. They will not believe that you can really estimate the number of cards being cut. They are correct. But they are unaware of your 13 card secret weapon.

Now we enter the endgame. Have the deck cut once more. Complete the cut and pick up the cards. As you are squaring the pack, look at the sides of the pack and state your estimate. It will appear as though you are looking at the sides of the pack, which you are. (Secretly you are also taking note of the bottom card. You will literally "steal this glance." And nobody should ever notice this action.) You will repeat this sequence until the bottom card is a Club.

The bottom card will tell you the location of the selection. If the card is the Ace of Clubs, the selection is on top of the deck. If the bottom card is the two of clubs, the selection is the second card, and so on, all the way through the King of Clubs, which would indicate that the selection is the thirteenth card in the pack. (Queen indicates the twelfth position, Jack indicates the eleventh.) Now you are way ahead. You know the position of the selection, but they don't believe that you could.

Ask questions such as "Do you believe that I was really able to count how many cards were cut each time?" They will give a response along the lines of, "No." They have taken the bait. Say, "But if I could tell you right now that so-and-so's card is the ninth card, and we counted down nine cards and so-and-so's card was right there, would that be a good trick?" They will give a response along the lines of, "Yes!"

Then say, "so-and-so's card is the ninth card." (Repeat the same number that you named a few seconds ago. Obviously, that number will vary based on the value of the bottom card.) The audience will remain skeptical.

Slowly and fairly, count nine cards onto the table.

Say, "What was your card."

So-and-so will say, "Four of Diamonds" (or some other non-club card).

Gesture toward the pile of cards and say, "Turn it over."

The spectator will do so, and be shocked to find the selected card. The audience will be impressed, charmed and fooled badly. They will clap and laugh and scratch their heads. Have a sip of your bourbon. You've earned it. Next lesson: "Plan B."

(Note: The principal of using a number of arranged cards to "locate" the selected card is an old one, and tricks of this nature are generally named, "The Lazy Man's Card Trick.")

Omeletes: The Second Most Useful Breakfast a Man Can Know

Omelets. Even easier and faster to make than crepes. Omeletes were created in the South of France, and became a favorite of Napoleon. Here is the simplest and purest way to make an omelet. Put some butter in a pan (be generous here) and melt it. While the butter is melting, crack two or three eggs into a bowl and scramble them with a fork. Let the pan get very hot. Pour the eggs into the pan. They should instantly begin to set. Use a spatula to push the outside edges of the omelet in toward the middle and tilt and swirl the pan, so the the uncooked egg on top becomes the new edge. Repeat this process around the circumference of the omelet until no runny egg is left. That technique will make your omelet fluffy. Make sure that the omelet has cooked into one solid piece. It should stay in one piece and slide freely around the pan. The butter will aid this process. If it is stuck somewhere, unstick it.

Now you will flip it, using a deft quick flip of the wrist. This skill is mandatory for omelets. Practice it with a tortilla or a crepe to get the hang of it. It isn't too difficult, and you will be better off for knowing it.

After flipping, do not return the pan to the heat. The residual heat of the pan will be more than enough to cook the underside. Slide the omelet half way onto a nice plate. Use your wrist and the edge of the pan to delicately fold the second half over the first. Top with freshly ground salt and pepper, and enjoy. Add other fresh herbs like thyme and rosemary if you have them.

You can add fillings, if you wish, of course. Use meats, quality cheeses and fresh vegetables. Sautee the fillings in a second pan and add them to each omelet after you flip them. You only need to put the filling on the half of the omelet that you slide onto the plate, because the second half will be folded on top. Garnish the omelets with lots of freshly cracked pepper and salt, herbs, and freshly grated parmaseano reggiano. Add something pretty to the plate, like a sprig of flat parsley, a few apple slices, orange wedges, tomato slices, or berries. Bon Appetite!

Crepes: The Most Useful Breakfast to Learn

Dinner. Dessert. Espresso. That is all very well and good. But what about breakfast? Here, I recommend that we take a page from the book of the French. We will prepare crepes, and we will make those around us very happy. Crepes originated in Brittany, the northern region of France, and they are very quick and very easy to make. They can be prepared with basic staples in every kitchen. That means that knowing how to make crepes is a very useful skill. Wherever you go, you can whip up some crepes. This recipe will serve two people. Double the ingredients accordingly.

First you'll need a frying pan. Whatever is handy, will suffice. Obviously, the bigger the pan, the bigger the crepe. Put a little bit more than a Tablespoon of butter into the pan and melt it.

While the butter is melting find a whisk and a mixing bowl. Break an egg into the bowl. Add a half cup of milk and a half cup of water. Whisk it for a few seconds. Add the melted butter to the bowl. Add 1/4 teaspoon of salt and a pinch of sugar to the bowl. Whisk it a bit more. Bit by bit, add a cup of flour to the bowl, mixing as you go.

Using a paper towel, make sure the bottom of the frying pan is evenly coated with a thin layer of butter. Make sure the pan is very hot. There is no reason to rush, and ruin your first crepe. When the pan is hot and buttered pour about 1/4 cup of batter into the pan. Tilt and swirl the pan at all angles, so the batter covers the entire bottom and a little of the edges.

Return the pan to the heat and let the crepe cook for a few seconds (it doesn't take long). When the topside of the crepe no longer appears to be battery, flip it, using a spatula or a wrist flip. While the underside is cooking you have a few seconds to add whatever filling you deire. After the filling is added, slide the crepe half way out of the pan and onto a plate. Using the edge of the pan and a turn of the wrist, fold the crepe in half as you slide the second half on top of the first half.

Make and serve the crepes as you go. If you are using a filling that needs to be cooked, such as ham, have it cooking in another pan as you are preparing the crepes. The more crepes you make, the hotter the pan will become and the faster the crepes will cook. If they show signs of burning, lower the heat. It doesn't hurt to rebutter the pan every few crepes or so. Here are some nice fillings to consider.

• Ham and cheese
• Mushroom and cheese
• Sugar and lemon juice
• Sugar and Grand Mariner
• Nutella and bananas
• Raspberry jam and creme fraise
• Invent your own.
  

Start with the savory ones, and finish with the sweet ones. Sit back. Relax. You have just made those around you very happy. Now, if there are any crepes left, it is time for you to eat. Enjoy the view of the Eiffel Tower.

Espresso: The Art of Coffee

Following dessert, espresso is the drink of choice. Italian chefs swear by this. A small cup of espresso tastes good, provides a little kick and aids in the digestion of the meal. Milk actually inhibits digestion, so stay away from milky coffee drinks after a nice Italian meal; not just for the digestive reasons, but because you'll want to separate yourself from those who don't know any better.

Espresso can be made very cheaply in a stove top coffee maker, or proper (and much tastier) versions can be made with home espresso machines (which considering the price of a cup of espresso at the cafe, will pay for themselves in no time). If you do plan to buy a home espresso machine, here are a couple of things you should know.

Although your espresso machine doesn't have to be very expensive, don't buy the cheapest one you can find, either. The cheapest versions are steam pressured, making them really just a disguised version of the stovetop makers. Get one that has at least 9 bars of pressure if you want to make good espresso.

You'll need to invest in a quality burr (not blade) grinder, too. Having a nice espresso machine and using pre-ground beans is as ridiculous as dumping a bottle of Ragu on your fresh pasta. Using freshly ground, high quality coffee beans is half the battle.

Buy good beans. Don't settle for the ones from the grocery store or the chain coffee shop. Look around and find a local coffee roaster, if possible. Talk to the barista there. See what he'll teach you about the art of espresso. Buy medium or dark beans suitable for espresso (they doesn't have to be the dark espresso roast). Look at them. Smell them. Touch them. Caress their oily surfaces. Love them.

Grind them at the proper setting. Over time, you can experiment with this setting. Too course, and the water will go through the grounds too fast. Too fine, and the water won't get through at all. Start at the espresso setting and experiment from there. Once the beans have been ground you'll want to move as quickly as possible. Grind the beans freshly for each cup of espresso you make.

Select the basket for a double shot. If your machine came with a single shot basket, throw it into the garbage. Preheat the basket by running a shot of water through it. Dry it with a towel. Fill the double shot basket with a level amount of grounds. You should tamp these grounds with a metal tamper. If your machine came with a plastic tamper, throw it into the garbage also. Consider setting the garbage bin on fire at this point. To tamp the grounds, first apply a light pressure. Next give the basket a gentle tap with the tamper to loosen any grounds stuck to the inside of the basket (this will produce a lovely 'ting' sound). Then, apply firm even pressure (between 30 and 40 pounds) to the grounds with the tamper. Finally, twist the tamper (use your elbow) to "polish" the grounds. Do not overtamp. Also do not undertamp. Be like Goldilocks. Do it just right.

You'll you've done it right, if your espresso tastes like heaven; Angels, choirs, that stuff. But we're not there, yet. You'll want to dust any grounds off that have gotten on the rim of the portafilter (basket holder handle thing) to insure a tight seal. Now, flip the appropriate switches and the espresso will begin pouring into a small cup. That cup should have been preheated by filling it with very hot water for a moment. The heat shelf on the top of the machine is not enough. You don't want the heat of the espresso to transfer into the cold glass and be cool by the time you taste it. If that happens there will be no angels, no choirs, none of that stuff.

As you begin pulling the shot, watch the espresso pour into the warmed glass. See how dark it is? That's good. Soon, it will start getting light. When it's almost clear, it's just bitter water. At that point the beans will be overextracted and burned. You'll want to avoid that by pulling your glass early. But not so early that you lose the good dark stuff down the drain. Only your personal preference and lots of experimenting will help you find your personal best. Be a scientist. Adjust the grinder settings. Adjust the tamping pressure. Adjust the length of the shot. Isolate variables. Use control groups. Consider taking a course on Thermodynamics.

You'll also want to watch the top of the cup as the crema forms on top. It should be light in color and the thicker the better. A dark colored crema indicates overextraction (don't tamp so hard or use a courser grind), while not enough crema indicates underextraction (tamp harder or use a finer grind). Your best judgment, or the judgment of a knowledgeable friend, will be your best guide.

Personally, I pull my cup as soon as the stream of espresso begins to lighten. The darkest stuff is the best. This darkest stuff is called ristretto. Do a test. Pull the first glass after about 1/2 an ounce. Quickly stick a second glass under there and pull it after the next 1/2 ounce. Repeat two or three more times. Look at all of the glasses. What do you see? Does the crema get thinner and darker with each glass as the espresso gets lighter? Does the taste get increasingly bitter? Decide what makes the perfect shot. Ultimately the answer lies not with science, but with art.

Here are a few different ways you can try your espresso in the morning: (One note: Espresso has a long and proud history, and it's important to understand the language of coffee. Giant chain establishments are corrupting that language, but you shouldn't encourage them.) My own three favorites are the doppio ristretto, the macchiato, and on hot days, the iced espresso americano.

• Espresso-- A one ounce shot of rich, full bodied dark coffee with a silky layer of crema


• Ristretto-- A half shot of espresso. Only the richest, darkest part.

• Doppio-- A double espresso. Two shots of espresso concentrated into approximately the same volume as a regular espresso. Try a doppio espresso ristretto.
  

• Macchiato-- Espresso with just a dallop of steamed whole milk foam added. The milk will balance the acidity of a less than perfect cup of espresso.


• Espresso Americano-- Espresso served on top of hot water. Served in a tall glass or regular sized coffee cup. The coffee is added to the glass of hot water to help maintain the layer of crema at the top of the glass. You can also have this iced, and with a splash of cream.


• Espresso Latte-- Espresso with velvety steamed whole milk added.


• Cappuccino-- Same as above, but will less milk and more foam.


• Mocha-- An espresso latte, but with a drizzle of chocolate syrup in the bottom of the glass.


• Espresso Corretto-- Espresso that has been "corrected" with a splash of brandy, grappa, or other spirit.

Spumoni: Slice Don't Scoop

While your lemoncello is in the basement infusing, here is another tasty alternative Italian dessert. Spumoni originates from Napoli in the south of Italy, and Neapolitan ice cream is a derivative of Spumoni. A quick word of advice though; real Spumoni should be sliced, not scooped.

Here's a nice recipe that's easy to follow and makes a pretty nice traditional Spumoni.

Ingredients
1 pint pistachio ice cream
1/3 cup chopped shelled pistachio nuts (optional)
12+ maraschino cheries
1 pint vanilla ice cream
1/4 teaspoon rum
1 cup whipping cream
1/3 cup presweetened cocoa powder
1 10-oz. pkg. frozen red rasberries, thawed and drained
1/4 cup powdered sugar

Directions

• Chill a two-quart metal mold in the freezer. A metal bread pan would work well.

• Meanwhile, stir the pistachio ice cream to soften it up and stir in extra nuts, if desired.


• Spread the softened ice cream quickly over the bottom and all the way up the sides of mold. (If ice cream tends to slip, refreeze until workable.) Arrange the cherry halves around the bottom of mold, pressing them into the ice cream. Freeze.


• Stir the vanilla ice cream to soften it and stir in the rum. Use a nice quality rum here, because after you make the spumoni, you'll have the rest of the bottle to enjoy. Refreeze it until workable. Quickly spread it over the first layer. Freeze.


• Combine 3/4 cup of cream and the cocoa powder and beat until stiff peaks form. An electric mixer is best for this. If you don't have one, just whisk it really really fast. Quickly spread it over the vanilla layer. Freeze.


• Press the drained raspberries through the sieve and discard the seeds. Combine remaining 1/4 cup cream, powdered sugar, and salt and beat until soft peaks form. Fold in berry pulp and quickly spread it over the chocolate layer. Smooth out the top and cover the pan with foil. Freeze for several hours or overnight.


• Peel off the foil. Invert onto a beautiful chilled serving plate. Rub the mold with a hot damp towel for a few seconds to loosen it. Lift off the mold. Cut into wedges or slices and serve!
  

Lemoncello: It Tastes So Good, Why Not Make Your Own?

After a perfect Italian meal there are many desserts to choose from, but please allow me to recommend a nice one.

Place a bottle of lemoncello (available at your friendly neighborhood liquor store) in the freezer along with a couple of small glasses. Lemoncello is a lemon zest infused vodka, so it can stay in the freezer indefinitely and will not freeze. After dinner pour a few ounces of the thick yellow goodness into the chilled glasses. It is tart and sweet and packs a kick. Sip it slowly. Watch the gondolas float by.

And if you'd like to go for bonus points, here is a recipe for making your own lemoncello:

You'll need 18 lemons (Meyer or Eureka) washed and dried. You'll need one 4 inch rosemary sprig (also washed and dried). You'll need 4 1/2 cups of sugar and two 750 ml. bottles of 100-proof vodka. You're ready to go. This is easy to do, but it takes three months.

• Peel the lemons with a sharp vegetable peeler, taking only the zest (top layer) and avoiding any white pith. Put rosemary in a one gallon glass or ceramic container with a tight seal, and then add zest to jar.

• Pour one bottle of vodka over the rosemary and zest and seal the container. Let it sit undisturbed in a cool, dark place. Leave it there for 40 days.

• Has it been 40 days? (Don't cheat on this. It's worth the wait!) In a saucepan, bring five cups of water to a boil and add the sugar. Cook, stirring, until the sugar has dissolved. Let the sugar syrup cool to room temperature, which will take about an hour.

• Pour the syrup and the remaining bottle of vodka over the lemon-vodka mixture, stir, and seal the container once more. Let it sit in a cool, dark place for another 40 days.

• Today is the day! Hopefully, it was marked on your calander. Pour the limoncello through cheesecloth or a fine sieve, into the bottles of your choice.

• This will make 425 two ounce servings! Salut!

Pasta: Fresh Pasta The Mother of Cool Things

Now, for the piece de resistance. Fresh pasta. Few things will so quickly increase a man's stock than whipping up a quick batch of fresh tagliatelli. The necessary ingredients can be found in nearly every kitchen, just waiting to be fondled by a skilled set of hands. And fondle them, you will.

But first things first. Take off your suit jacket and roll up your sleeves. Things can get messy. You'll probably want a good apron. Any apron will do; a white cotton chef's half apron, a canvas full apron with Michelangelo's David on it, the frilly pink thing hanging on the hook in the pantry; It doesn't matter, the goal is to keep your pants clean. A man who wears an apron proudly radiates self confidence.

Although the basic ingredients can be found in any kitchen, you'll do yourself a favor by always using the freshest available. If you're making the pasta away from your own kitchen, travel with your own salt and olive oil, just in case.

Below, I'll give provide an easy, good and basic recipe. But be aware that there are as many recipes for pasta as there are Italians. Some prefer special flours like semolina, 00, or durum wheat flour. But regular unbleached flour works well, too.

• One cup of flour makes more than enough for two people. Double this accordingly.


• A few eggs, the fresher the better. About two eggs per cup of flour.
  

• You'll need salt, but don't use standard table salt. Look for a nice sea salt or kosher salt.
  

• You'll need, as always, a nice bottle of extra virgin olive oil.


• A rolling pin, or in a pinch, a wine bottle.

That's it. Here we go. Find a fairly large flat working surface. Wood and marble countertops are especially nice. Make a mound using the appropriate amount of flour near the center of the workspace. Make another pile of flour farther away (this flour will be incorporated as needed and used for dusting). Hollow out a well in the center of your main flour pile. This is a good time to mention that you'll want a nice dish towel flung over your shoulder while you do this. Why? Because it looks good, and you'll know where to dry your hands after you wash them, which the first few times you make pasta, you'll probably be doing often.

For each cup of flour you're using, crack one egg into the flour well. (I'll assume one cup of flour and one egg.) Crack the second egg but add only the yolk. One cool way to do this is to pour the egg white into one shell half, while keeping the yolk in the other. An easier but messier way is to do this with your hands, letting the white slip through your fingers. Add the yolk to the well. If you've gotten your hands messy, wash them now with soap and water. You'll know where to dry them. (One note: Never touch anything with a part of your hand that has egg on it until you've washed them in soap and water. This is important for safety, but more importantly, it is the mark of a professional).

Using a fork, scramble the eggs together in the well. Take care not to disturb the integrity of the flour well or things will get messier than necessary. Add 1/2 tablespoon of extra virgin olive oil per cup of flour to the well and continue whisking with the fork. Add 1/2 teaspoon of salt per cup of flour and integrate. Begin gradually integrating a little flour at a time from the mound into the well. Continue whisking until all of the flour has been integrated. Add a few tablespoons of water if more liquid is needed to reach the proper consitency (this all depends on issues like humidity and altitude). The goal here is not to touch the dough until it is stable enough to form a ball, otherwise it will stick to your hands, making the process much messier and more difficult than neccesary. Incorporate more flour if needed to stabilize the consistency. Use a pasta scraper if you have one, the fork if you don't.

Eventually you will have a ball of pasta. The first few attempts will inevitably be messy. Don't worry about that. That's why you have an apron. Now, knead the ball vigorously for at least ten minutes until it is smooth and elastic. An old Italian proverb has it that pasta is not properly kneaded until the lower back begins to sweat.

After it is kneaded, roll it into a flat oval (with a rolling pin or wine bottle) and cover with a dish towel for one hour. This hour is critical to let the dough relax. This will help you roll it more thinly. Come back in an hour.

Welcome back. If you are making a small batch, the next process can be completed in one step. If you are making a larger batch, you'll want to divide the dough into managable smaller batches, depending on your rolling space. Roll out the dough. To do this, you'll want to have a clean, dry, and well floured work space. Flour both sides of the dough. Flour the rolling pin. Flour your hands. Roll the dough thin. Flip over and roll again. Continue doing this until the dough is very thin. Proverb has it that you should be able to read a letter that's under the pasta. When it is thinly rolled you are ready to cut the noodle shapes. If you have a pasta wheel (a seratated pizza cutter thing) you can cut rows of rectagles and pinch the centers together to make farfalle.

With just a knife you can make tagliatelli, fettucine or maltagliate, as well as many others. Be creative. Here's what you do. Flour the dough. Fold in both sides of the pasta sheet so that the meet in the center, then repeat once more. Now using a good sharp chef's knife, slice the sheet into the desired width of noodles. Slide the back edge of the knife underneath the strips of pasta and lift, causing the folds to unfurl. According to the proverb, they should unfurl like a head of long, blonde, wavy hair.

If your cutting was a bit haphazard then refer to your noodles as maltagliati, meaning badly cut.

If you wish, you can hang the noodles to dry and cook them later, or you can cook them immediately. If you cook them immediately (and why not?) the cooking process is the same, but the fresh noodles cook much faster, since they are already soft. For that same reason, you won't be able to taste them to test for doneness. You'll know the pasta is done when it floats to the top of the water. This can happen in a matter of minutes. Strain lightly and toss with sauce immediately. Pazientia e buon appetito!

Pasta: Prepare Sauces Like an Italian Chef

Italian cooking is about simplicity and freshness. You should invest a little effort into getting the freshest ingredients. You'll want things like: extra virgin olive oil, fresh tomatoes (vine tomatoes if you can), fresh basil (no dried spices, please), fresh flat Italian parsley (not the kind you get with your pancakes at Denny's, the flat leafy kind), salt and pepper (the kind you grind freshly), a box or jar of sea salt (for adding to the water), a block of parmeseano reggiano cheese (if you have a green cylinder of "parmasean," get rid of it now), any other "hard" italian cheeses you can find, some red and white wines (cheap is okay, just be sure to refer to it as "table wine," not "cheap wine") and onions. That's enough to get you started. Also pick up a jar of black italian style olives, a jar of anchovy filets in olive oil, a jar of capers, cloves of garlic and some green olives of your choice, and you've got what you need to make dozens of great sauces.

Simple Sauce-- This is one of the simplest and most delightful ways to eat pasta. Do not underestimate it because of its simplicity. I recommend trying this sauce the first few times, so you can focus on timing and get a real feel for how your pasta turned out.

When the water is boiling and you've added salt and pasta. Heat up a frying pan on another burner and melt a hunk of butter (the butter can be browned, but take care not to burn it.) When the pasta is al dente drain it only as much as necessary, you want it to remain very wet. (Try to save a little water in the bottom of the pot also, that you can incorporate into sauces as desired.) Toss the pasta in a drizzle of extra virgin olive oil. Lay the pasta out on plates or a platter and drizzle with the melted butter. Top with freshly ground salt and pepper. Then garnish the plate with a sprig of fresh flat Italian parsley (don't skim here; presentation is critical!) Grate the parmaseano reggiano cheese with a fine cheese grater directly onto the pasta. Top the pasta with chopped (or torn) fresh parsley (if desired). Enjoy. Tagliatelli is one possible match for this sauce.

If you have hunks of a few different types of hard cheeses you can cosider this addition: After coating the posta with olive oil, return it to the pot and add the hunks of cheese and stir for a minute or two while the cheese melts. Now complete the same process as above.

Basic Tomato Sauce-- Once you prepare this sauce you will be offended by all tomato sauces that come from jars. This sauce is simple and easy and once you master it, you can try infinite variations. I don't think I've prepared it the same way twice.

Drizzle a fair amount of extra virgin olive oil into a skillet on medium high heat, while it is warming up. Dice a small onion (or half of a big one). Use a big chef's knife for this, but go slowly at first. Cut the ends off of the onion and then cut the onion in half. Peel off, or cut off, the outer papery or rubbery layers. Cut the onions into small chunks. Add the onions to the oil. Stir frequently with a wooden spoon or spatula. As onions are frying, dice one or two tomatoes. When onions begin to brown, add the tomatoes. Add freshly ground salt and pepper (don't be timid here). Add chopped fresh italian parsley. Now is a good time to add the pasta to boiling salted water. Cook the sauce until the water from the tomatoes boils off a bit, and sauce takes the desired thickness (it should be done by the time the pasta is done). You're not going for Ragu here, just cook it until it isn't too watery. If you want, you can add a little red table wine or sweet vermouth while it cooks.

When the pasta is al dente, strain it lightly and coat with olive oil. If the sauce is too runny, pour some of the water off. If too thick, add a little pasta water. Experiment. Make it your way. Put the pasta on plates or a platter and top with a few scoops of sauce, some fresh chopped parsley, freshly grated parmeseano reggiano, more salt and pepper. Garnish with an entire sprig of flat parsley. Presentation is key! Think about colors, plates, arrangement. Make it pretty. Enjoy! Farfalle is a good choice here.

A really nice addition to this sauce is to start by frying a few pieces of bacon. Remove the bacon pieces and then using the bacon grease to fry the onions. Now continue as above, but add the diced bacon to the sauce before serving. That sauce goes especially well with Gnocci, or Maccherocini (little macaronis).

Pasta Puttanesca-- This is a famous dish from Naples in the south and literally translates as Whore's Pasta, for reasons not entirely known. One safe explanation involves the fact that the ingredients all hold up well in cupboards and prostitutes were granted very little time to go to the market. This dish often involves diced garlic, but I subsitute onions, and recommend that you do the same unless you really like garlic.

Dice a small onion (or half of a big one) and fry in olive oil. Open a jar of anchovy filets packed in oil. Pour the oil into the pan with the onions. Dice the anchovies and add to the pan. Stir until anchovies "dissolve." When the water for the pasta has come to a boil add salt and red pepper flakes. As the water boils the air will become peppery. Add a diced tomato or two to the souce. Add a few spoonfuls of diced capers. Add a fist full of diced black Italian style olives. Optionally add some diced basil and flat parsley. Add walnuts if desired. Mix and match. Use garlic and peperoncinos (little peppers) if you want. Spice it up. But not too much. You're the cook. You decide. But generally, you'll handle this the same as a basic tomato sauce. Spaghetti is the standard puttanesca noodle. Garnish with parsley springs, basil leaves and black olives. Enjoy!

Venetian Pasta-- This is a northern dish. Similar to puttanesca, but also very different. This sauce is a bit challenging, but you will be rewarded for your effort. I have seen this sauce make both men and women swoon. Did you hear me? I said swoon.

Pour 1/2 cup of extra virgin olive oil and 1/2 cup of white wine into a frying pan, and warm over medium heat. Open a jar of anchovy filets packed in olive oil and drain the oil into the frying pan. Dice a small onion (or half of a big one), and add this to the pan. Now, what you are going to do is let the sugars from the wine carmelize the onions. This is not too difficult, but it takes time. You want to stir them frequently at a medium-high or medium heat. The main goal is too keep them from burning. At a medium heat, they can simmer for hours. Just remember to stir them pretty often. Eventually, as the alcohol cooks off, the onions will begin to devolop a sweet taste. This is a very good thing. If you don't have hours, you can rush the job at a higher heat, but take care not too go too high. They can burn in an instant.

When the onions are on their way to sweetness, bring the water for the pasta to a boil. Add salt and red pepper flakes. Feel the burn. Chop the leaves of a bundle of mustard greens if you can obtain them. Dandelion greens or turnup greens are potential alternatives. Dice the anchovy filets as small as possible. Add the pasta to the water. While it cooks, add the anchovies to the sauce and stir until the anchovies have dissolved. When the pasta is al dente, drain in lightly and return to the pot. Pour the sauce over the pasta and stir. Add the mustard greens and continue to stir until the greens shrivel and become part of the sauce. Scoop the appropriate amount onto plates, garnish and serve. Enjoy and buona fortuna!