The Suit: A Book Review

The Suit: A Machiavellian Approach to Men’s Style

Nicholas Antongiavanni

Harper Collins, USA, 2006, 230 pp.

Everyone sees how you appear, few touch what you are.

--Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince

Political speech writer Michael Anton, under the pen name Nicholas Antongiavanni, has written a parody of Niccolò Machiavelli’s political treatise, The Prince entitled, The Suit: A Machiavellian Approach to Men’s Style. In addition to being fun to read, the book contains many practical tips for men on dressing for the workplace, includes scathing critiques of the fashion industry, and declares war on “business casual.”

In this book Anton describes in complete detail every bit of essential knowledge, not only on buying and wearing suits, but more importantly, why men should. In addition to providing a chapter for the young (“take care not to offend with fanciness” such as bow ties, suspenders, or colored shirts with white collars), he provides chapters devoted to the short, the tall, the stout, the muscular, the thin and the oddly shaped man. Also included are chapters devoted to the history of the modern business suit (technically called a lounge suit owing to its origin as an informal garment—it was the track suit of its day), as well as a clear comparison of the leading types of cuts (called silhouettes) ranging from London to Milan to Naples. He gives practical advice on shoes, (to see if a man is well dressed, look down.) And he nicely avoids the pitfall of being too stuck on “the rules,” emphasizing the words of style writer Alan Flusser, “the truly stylish man knows enough about the rules to know how and when to break them.”

Much like Machiavelli’s The Prince, it is not always easy to tell when the author is exaggerating, and when he is deadly serious. Anton credits “business casual” with causing the first recession of the 21^st century, writing that, “after the accounting firm Arthur Andersen introduced [business casual] into England, Savile Row tailor Angus Cundy predicted that it would cause their ruin—and soon after the firm imploded in the Enron scandal. Thus,” writes Anton, “if you work in an environment where ‘business casual’ is decreed, I recommend that you wear suits to do your part to kill off this unfortunate trend and save the global economy.” Far reaching as that statement may be, there is also a fair amount of sense to the notion that if corners are cut with regard to clothing, they are likely being cut elsewhere, too.

In an interview with the National Endowment of the Humanities, Anton elaborated more on the concept of “business casual” saying that it has, “actually caused a lot of confusion and angst among men. The feeling is, I know how to wear a suit and tie every day, even if I find it boring or if it annoys me, but I know what it is. What is business casual? A jacket but no tie? Is it jeans? Are khakis okay?” In that same interview Anton pointed out that far from being a garment of hierarchy or superiority, “the point of the suit was to rid clothing of status distinction… During America’s postwar economic expansion, the era from, say, ’45 to ’65,” he writes, “you could not tell by dress the CEO from yesterday’s hire.”

Anton also delivers a scathing critique of men’s fashion, not to be confused with men’s style (fashion is fleeting, style remains virtually constant). He writes that “after crossing the Alps into France, [the lounge suit] inspired a women’s couture designer to experiment with men’s clothes for the first time. Thus began the era of the menswear designer, which swept back into Italy like a plague of locusts, then engulfed the world, and under which we still suffer.” Anton reminds the readers that they need not get caught up in the expensive, short lived, and sometimes ridiculous clothing offered by fashion houses, movie stars and magazines (which all conspire together, incidentally) instead advising that, “you should strive to imitate the great dressers of the 1930s, who…designed unique wardrobes for themselves, ensuring that not only would they always be stylish, but that they would never look exactly like anyone else.”

This distinction between fashion and style is perhaps the most important point that Manton makes. It is a concept that if well understood, could save men enormous sums of money, at the same time allowing them to purchase better quality and better styled garments.

Tongue in cheek, no doubt, he implores men in characteristically Machiavellian language to find their own style. “Men are content to rely on wives, girlfriends, and mothers,” he writes, “to select and purchase their clothes. But there has never been a well-dressed man who was dressed by a woman…being by their nature drawn to latest fashions…” Anton also considers the political consequences of the “fashion industrial complex” (my phrase, not his) by asserting that, “Al Gore was ruined the moment he placed himself in the hands of that wardrobe consultant who advised him to wear earth tones. Similarly,” he continues, “you should approach salesmen with caution, for…their interests diverge from yours.”

Not surprisingly, he eschews neckties which “display irregular and unsightly patterns printed on silk that leap out in front of the shirt as if to announce the awkwardness of the wearer.” Nor is he shy in his contempt for the current state of men’s style in the United States, “what could be more difficult,” he asks, “than to rescue an America that is shabbier than the English, haughtier than the French, more fashion-enthralled than the Italians, without style, without class, shoddy, garish, unkempt, vulgar…”

Ultimately, Anton points out that the fault for this lies not only with bad intentions, but a general lack of knowledge and understanding about the so called “rules” of men’s style. In his words, this lack of knowledge is responsible for, “making equally ill dressed those who care and those who do not.”

“To set oneself apart from the generalness of men,” Anton writes, “it is sufficient merely to dress well, and this precludes garishness.” He provides one last Machiavellian passage for those who dare to fight the tyranny of dressing to the lowest common denominator. “And if, as I said, American tastes have gone to hell, that only increases the glory, honor, and gratitude due to you for this marvelous deed.”

The book is beautifully illustrated by Edwin Fotheringham and is a perfect book for anyone interested in learning the rules of men’s dress. Even if only to better break them.

Accessories: Shoes, Umbrellas, Pocket Square, Watches, Pens, Pocket Knives and Money Clips

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

-- Oscar Wilde

Shoes-- Shoes are the subject of much debate in the sartorial world, but I will leave most of that debate for you to discover on your own. The important thing to know is that people are often judged by their shoes. It is often said that when worn with nice shoes, even a cheap suit will look expensive. It was eventually revealed that the doormen at Studio 54 had used shoes as a primary determinant in deciding who was let into the club and who was turned away. There is a reason for that. Shoes reveal more about you than you might think.

I recommend that you get nice shoes. They don't have to be expensive, but they should at least be made of leather. Higher quality shoes typically will also have leather, rather than rubber soles. Shoes made of shell cordovan (a particular kind of horsehide from the hind quarters of the horse) are especially high in quality, and after years of wear will eventually take on a wavy, rather than creased, appearance. Black, burgundy and brown are all appropriate colors, although black is considered the most formal. Black cap toes are the ultimate business or funeral shoe. Consider wingtips or perforated cap toes for a little extra dash of style, but you generally shouldn't wear them with a tuxedo or to a job interview.

Keep your shoes in good shape. This is probably more important than the quality. Use a brush or piece of cloth to rub the polish onto the shoes and use a horsehair shoe brush or another piece of cloth to buff the polish to a high shine.

Like suits, shoes today are often glued together. This means that most of today's shoes are meant to be replaced, not repaired. A nice pair of shoes, however, will be stitched together, and with a few repairs they should last for a lifetime. Those on a tight budget will be able to find very nice shoes available on eBay in many styles, sizes and colors. Generally speaking, the older the shoes the better the construction will be. Stay away from fashionable houses like Prada and Ferragamo unless you want to pay for the name. Instead, look for traditional shoe making companies such as Allen Edmonds, which in addition to making shoes in the US, will also recraft used AE shoes to a virtually brand new state for a reasonable fee.

Ties-- You probably shouldn't wear a tie every day, but you also probably shouldn't rule them out all together. Extremely wide or narrow ties will look a bit dated, so they are probably best avoided. The tie should be tied (typically with a Four-In-Hand or Half Windsor Knot) so that the its widest part reaches the top of your belt. Ties with solid patterns, diagonal stripes, or polka dots are most versatile. Wear ties printed with dogs playing poker, Spider-man or the Beatles at your own risk.

Pocket Squares-- A suit without a pocket square was once referred to as a "naked" suit, and traditionally men would never leave the house without one. The color of the pocket square should complement the color of the shirt, suit or tie, but should never match the tie perfectly. Worn too flamboyantly pocket squares might convey a touch of dandyism or foppishness, but worn discreetly, they can convey a touch of class, sophistication or attention to detail.

Pocket squares can be folded so that a straight edge emerges slightly from the pocket (the TV fold), so that one or more peaks emerge from the pocket (the peak fold), or merely stuffed into the pocket with a puff of fabric emerging (the puff). The first two folds work best with linen squares, while all three folds are appropriate for silk squares. Pocket squares are also useful, should you decide to perform the coin trick taught in this book.

Watches-- A man with class should probably have a nice watch. Again, it doesn't have to be an expensive watch, but should ideally be made of metal, not plastic. Wearing a plastic Timex digital watch with an Oxxford houndstooth suit is like serving a Martini in a red plastic cup, which I also do not recommend. The tradition of a man passing his watch down to his son or grandson is rarely practiced these days. So, why not start it up again?

Pens-- A good pen, and by good I mean not plastic, can be a nice and stylish touch.

Pocket Knives-- Likewise, a pocket knife. Men used to use these for everything from opening the mail to slicing apples, so I'm not sure how we're surviving without them.

Money Clips-- Whether you carry your wallet in your back pocket or breast pocket, it shouldn't be any thicker than necessary. Carrying your cash in a money clip in the front pants pocket can significantly reduce the thickness of the wallet. If you carry your driver's license and a credit card along with a couple of bills, you may not even need to carry a wallet.

Umbrellas-- If you carry an umbrella, it may as well be a sturdy "cane style" one. When not opened, you should carry the umbrella, not by the handle, but by the center. The handle should rest along the inside of your forearm, with your index finger should extending toward the tip of the umbrella. Carried in this way, the umbrella is merely an extension of your arm so you needn't worry about poking anyone accidentally. However, if confronted by thieves, pickpockets or assassins, the umbrella is in the proper grip for either forward or backward jabs. (Don't swing the umbrella like a bat, it will crumple in half, but rather, jab with the tip or the handle.)

Joke Telling: Dying is Easy, Comedy is Hard

"When I give concerts, the tickets sell for five dollars to one hundred dollars, but for my concerts the five-dollar seats are down in front . . . the further back you go, the more you have to pay. The hundred-dollar seats are the last two rows, and those tickets go like hotcakes! In fact, if you pay two hundred dollars you don't have to come at all."

--Jack Benny and his magic violin

To truly be a master of the drawing room, you must master the art of telling a joke. Jokes are a part of our society that are taken for granted these days and rarely given the consideration that they deserve. Most people tell the wrong jokes and at the wrong times. As a consequence, classier people tend to avoid the art of joke telling, for fear of being associated with the wrong type of crowd. But if you learn a few things about telling jokes, you will stand out as a master in this classic tradition, and you can help guide those around you.

First, know when to stop. Jokes, like card tricks, are often abused by amateurs. One or two is enough. Leave those around you wanting more. The purpose of telling jokes is not to be the center of attention, but to create an atmosphere where everyone around you can shine.

In order to create that atmosphere you must know several good, clean jokes. Today dirty jokes are dime-a-dozen and you will rise above that level if you have a command of clean jokes. A good, clean joke is one of the most useful tools a man can have.

Know the difference between the long joke and the short joke. Typically the short joke is the most useful. Don't waste people's time. Set 'em up and knock 'em down. If you have told a couple of jokes and your public is demanding more, then you can deliver a long joke. But to be a master, you need to know the difference, and know when to tell them. Remember the advice of Shakespeare, "Brevity is the soul of wit."

Comedy is one tenth knowing when to talk and nine tenths knowing when to pause. When Johnny Carson asked Jack Benny the secret of comedy, Benny paused for at least 25 seconds (the audience laughing the entire time) before he slowly answered, "timing."

A few short jokes to consider:

• Did you hear the one about the two sausages frying in a pan. The first sausage says "Is it hot in here?" The second sausage says, "My God, it's a talking sausage!"

• What does cheese say when it has its picture taken?

• A waiter comes to a table with a piece of apple pie. He scoops a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top, drops the whole plate on the floor, and smashes it with his foot. Then he puts the whole plate in front of the customer. The customer says, "What did you do that for?" The waiter says, "You said to bring you some apple pie and step on it!"

• Did you hear the NASA is opening a restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's no atmosphere.

• What did one guppy say to the other? (Don't say anything, just make a few of your best fish faces.)

• I slept like a baby last night... I cried for hours and wet myself.

• A doctor says to his patient, "Well, you only have about two minutes left to live." The patient says, "Isn't there anything you can do for me?" The doctor says, "well I can boil you an egg."

And if you really want to crack up some old people, finish by saying, "Well that's the last time I steal a joke from Jack Benny."

These jokes may not be the best, but they are a start. Learn these, and at least you'll have a couple of clean jokes when you need them. [Note: Those are just a few examples of jokes. There are hundreds of thousands to choose from, in hundreds of books. Pick up an old book by Milton Berle and you'll have a repertoire that hasn't been heard in 60 years. Some jokes crack up kids, others crack up senior citizens. Discretion is the better part of valor. You don't have to tell jokes, if you don't want to. The important thing is that in the event that you do want to tell a joke, you don't come up blank. So learn some jokes. Practice them. Make them your own. Give them a try. They might be just what you need some day.]

Here are a couple jokes of the long variety. Remember, when you tell a long joke, the humor should come from the joke itself, not the punchline. People should be engaged, maybe even laughing, from the setup alone. The punchline is the finish, but not the joke. If nobody is smiling during the setup, the punchline won't save you. So learn these long jokes like they are a script for a play. Practice them. Make them sing. If you do that, the punchline will be a knock-out blow.

Long Joke Number 1: The Wide Mouthed Frog

A wide mouthed frog was hopping through the jungle and came across a giraffe. The wide-mouthed frog says, (here you put your index fingers in your mouth, making your cheeks stick out. This will make it hard to speak and you will spit all over, so much the better) "Hey Mrs. Giraffe, what do you feed your babies?" (Now, take your fingers out of your mouth.) The giraffe says, "Wide Mouth Frog, every time you see me you ask me what I feed my babies, now go bother someone else for a change."

Wide Mouth frog goes hopping through the jungle and comes across an Elephant. Wide Mouth Frog says, (repeat fingers in mouth business) "Hey Mrs. Elephant, what do you feed your babies?" Mrs. Elephant says, "Wide Mouth Frog, every day you ask me this! Don't bother me today, just leave me alone. Just get out of here! All right? Just go!"

Wide Mouth Frog goes off hopping through the jungle and comes across an Alligator. "Wide Mouth Frog says, (with the usual voice) "Hey Mrs. Alligator, what do you feed your babies?" Mrs. Alligator says, (make a deep alligator voice) "Wide Mouthed Frogs!"

Wide Mouth Frog says, (Now instead of putting your fingers in your mouth, pucker your lips out very narrowly) "Oh, really!"

Long Joke Number 2: The Bavarian Cream Pie

My grandpa was stationed in Germany after the war. And when I was very small he told me about this little restaurant that served THE best Bavarian cream pie. Apparently he went there every opportunity he had. He couldn't get enough of that Bavarian cream pie - it was absolutely unreal.

Well, a few years ago, my grandpa found out that he had a terminal illness, and only had a few months left to live. So, he booked a deluxe vacation cruise to Europe that would eventually take him to that little town in Germany with the famous Bavarian cream pie.

A few weeks into the cruise, the ship started slowly sinking off of the coast of Portugal. I don't know if you remember that, but it was all over the news at the time. Well the life raft that my grandpa was in also turned out to be slowly leaking. So he helped all of the people that were in his life raft onto another one, but he wouldn't get on himself because it was already so overloaded. So, my grandpa, and I'm not making this up. This was in the news. My grandpa, at 84 years old, swims for over a mile in the Atlantic Ocean to the coast of Portugal.

Water-logged and exhausted, he hitches a ride and gets dropped off about 100 miles outside his destination in Germany. Trying to cross a main highway, he gets clipped by the side mirror of a car, but not badly, and he manages to hitch another ride with some people headed for Germany.

Eventually he catches a bus and arrives in this little town in Germany that he remembered from his youth. He's thrilled to find the old restaurant that he'd loved so much 60 years ago, and he walks in and takes his usual seat at the table by the window. The waitress comes over and my grandpa says, (my grandpa spoke German fluently, by the way), he says, "I know exactly what I want. You have no idea what I've had to go through to get here. I would love a nice big slice of your wonderful Bavarian cream pie."

The waitress says, "Sorry, Sir - but we're all out of Bavarian cream."

My grandpa says, "Apple's fine."

Juggling: The Old Eating the Apple Trick

If you've gotten pretty good at juggling and you're looking for a show stopping trick, then here is the trick for you. Despite its simplicity, this trick is considered by many members of the public to be among the most difficult juggling feats imaginable (short of chainsaws or flaming bowling balls, of course). This trick is detested by most professional jugglers for precisely that reason. Many jugglers have juggled five clubs behind their backs, or seven balls under double pirouettes, only to be asked the stale and inevitable question: Can you juggle while eating an apple?

Jugglers hate that. But their loss is your gain. Once you've mastered the eating the apple trick, the public may mistake you for the greatest juggler of all time. (FYI, unless your name is Anthony Gatto, you are not the greatest juggler of all time, so don't buy into the hype. Francis Brunn also qualifies, but he is certainly not reading this.) Be honest with people. Don't tell them that this is the toughest juggling trick in the world, because it isn't even close. But do feel free to say, "Hey, do you want to watch me juggle and eat an apple?" People will watch.

(Before I explain how to do this trick, a warning: Juggling while eating an apple can be potentially dangerous. If you do it sloppily, you could wind up choking on an apple. Don't choke on the apple. In fact, don't even eat the apple. Just bite off a chunk, chew it up a bit, and spit it out while talking. Spitting apple chunks in every direction is the built in comic device that has made this trick so popular with the public. But watch out, if you start choking people may think it's part of the act.)

Did you read the disclaimer? I hope so. If not, go back and read it. In case you've skipped it, and now you're continuing to read, I'll repeat it. This trick poses a choking hazard. Don't swallow the apple bits. Just bite, chew and spit.

Okay. To eat an apple while juggling there are two major techniques. The first technique is simply to begin juggling two balls and an apple. Then, throw one ball higher than usual and using the extra second afforded to you by the high toss bring the apple to your mouth and bite off a chunk. Return that hand to the catching position in time to throw the bitten apple and make the catch. This can be repeated with either hand. Anytime the the bitten apple is in the air, you can make the next throw a high toss, catch the bitten apple, and take a bite. And anytime the bitten apple is in a hand you may make a high toss with the opposite hand and take a bite during the pause.

Of course, the difficult part is to remember to continue talking and spitting apple chunks without accidentally choking to death. If you find this trick difficult, continue practicing your basic three ball cascade until it is virtually automatic. Then begin making an occasional high toss. Try tapping a ball to your chin while waiting for the high toss to come back down. Eventually, you will find the timing. (Consult the video for visual demonstrations.)

An even easier way to perform this trick is to learn to juggle two balls in one hand. Learning to juggle two balls in one hand is easier than learning to juggle three balls in two hands, so for you it should be no problem. Hold two balls in one hand. You'll want the balls to stay on the same plane that they are on when you juggle three. They can be juggled in an oval shaped pattern either away from the center of the body or toward the center of the body. Away from the body center is easiest. I believe this is called a two ball outside fountain. Give it a try.

How'd that go? No problem? It's always a good idea to practice with both hands so that your body stays balanced. You will also be able to eat the apple faster if you have the ability to alternate hands. The trick is merely to juggle two balls in one hand while the free hand raises the apple to your mouth and you take a bite. This is repeated and alternated in both hands until the apple is significantly eaten. Then toss the apple core to a happy child.

You can also combine both of the above methods in whichever way you wish. The same trick can also be performed with a banana. Juggle two apples in one hand while using your teeth to peel the banana. Then switch hands, take a bite, switch again and repeat until the banana is eaten. The banana will pose a significanly reduced choking risk. And everybody knows that bananas are just funny.

But don't throw the banana peel on the ground. They're dangerous.

Dice: Fate, Chance, Skill and Pigs

Dice are handy, classy objects that seem to get very little play today, despite being among the most awesome things a man dig out of his pockets. Dice are the very symbol of fate, chance and gambling, and I can't think of the last time I've seen anyone roll a die outside of a casino or a game of Chutes and Ladders. There is no reason for that. They take up even less space than a pack of playing cards, and if you pick up a nice set of bone or wooden ones, you're just that much more stylish.

The history of dice is a long and interesting one, but here I will only mention that loaded or "crooked" dice, significantly predate the "honest" ones. Many early dice were carved from pig or calf ankles (called knuckles) and today dice are still occasionally referred to as knuckles or bones. One classic dice game described in John Scarne's definitive 1945 book, Scarne on Dice is called "Pig," possibly owing to the origin of early dice. Regardless, the rules are simple:

The player with the highest roll goes first. Each turn, a player repeatedly rolls the die until either a 1 is rolled or the player passes. If the player passes before a 1 is rolled he or she will score the sum of the rolls on that turn. If a 1 is rolled before the player passes then no points are scored on that turn. A player must score 20 points to enter the game, and the first to score 100 points (provided that no other players reach 100 points during the same round) is the winner. If two or more players reach 100 points during the same round, a playoff will occur during which those players will attempt to outscore each other until a clear victor is determined.

This game can also be played with two dice. In this version, all rules are identical, with the following exceptions: If a single 1 is rolled, that player's turn is over and no points are awarded for that round. If double 1's are rolled, then that player loses all points accumulated thus far in the game. All other double rolls count as double the amount showing (for example, double 4's would yield 16 points).

A third variation is to play with pigs. A marketed version exists called "Pass the Pigs" in which two small rubber pigs are rolled. Depending on whether the pigs land on their feet, backs, snouts, or sides, different points are awarded. Should the two pigs land touching each other, that player "pigs out" or loses all accumulated points. In the unlikely event that the pigs are touching each other inappropriately (called "makin' bacon" in the older versions, I believe) then that player is barred forever from the game.

Don't be fooled, though, this is not merely a game of chance, but skill.

To my knowledge no "shaved" or "loaded" pigs exist, but I would not rule out the option.

Chocolate Chip Cookies: The Patriotic Cookies

What is there to say about chocolate chip cookies that hasn't already been said? The origin is a little disputed, but it is clear that the cookies were invented in 1934 by Ruth Wakefield at the Toll House Inn in Whitman, Massachusetts. Apparently, she had run out of baking cocoa powder to make chocolate cookies, so instead used broken up chunks of Nestle semi-sweet chocolate bars. During WWII, soldiers from Massachusetts shared the cookies in their care packages with soldiers from all over the country and soon the cookies were a nation wide craze. One story claims that Mrs. Wakefield traded the recipe to Nestle for a lifetime supply of chocolate chips.

These cookies are a tasty and quintessential American treat that Europeans had absolutely nothing to do with (well, except for starting the war). These cookies are as red, white and blue as cookies can get, without actually being red, white or blue.

I won't repeat the recipe here, because it is literally on the back of every package of Toll House chocolate chips in the world, but I will add a couple of interesting tips and techniques that might help you on your way.

• The first tip is the most important and useful. There is no need to cook off the entire batch all at once. Fresh cookies warm from the oven are the best. This is an undisputed fact. So, cook only the necessary number of cookies. Wrap the remaining dough in cellophane and keep it in the refrigerator. The dough will stay perfectly good for a week or two (it's highly unlikely that the dough will be around that long, anyway). Anytime you are in the mood for warm cookies, just preheat the oven and cook a few.

• Experiment with flour. The proper amount of flour to use varies slightly due to scientific variables such as altitude, settling and density. Without going into the chemistry debates, I'll just say this. Be prepared to use (approximately) an extra 1/2 cup of flour. You'll want a nice thick, not runny, dough.

• Also for chemistry reasons, it is best to allow the butter to soften at room temperature, rather than melt it in a microwave or pan. Once butter has melted, its chemical properties forever change, resulting in runnier cookies.

• Chill your dough before cooking. You'll want the butter to resolidify before baking. Great bakers even advise a chilled cookie sheet.

• Use unsalted butter, since salt is already called for in the recipe.

• My only other piece of advice is to serve these cookies with a glass of milk.

Old Fashioned Cinnamon Rolls: Like Grandma Used To Make

If the bridge ladies are coming over and you want to do a little something extra, I submit for your consideration: Old-fashioned cinnamon rolls. These gooey cinnamon rolls don't take too long to make, taste as good as any you could buy, fill the house with the smell of dough and cinnamon, and just generally impress.

Here is a classic recipe for Old-fashioned cinnamon rolls that are, dare I say it, just like Grandma used to make:

Ingredients:
1 package of active dry yeast
1/2 cup very warm water
1/2 cup lukewarm milk (scalded then cooled)
1/2 cup sugar
1/3 cup butter, softened (softened at room temp, not in microwave)
1 teaspoon salt
1 egg
3 1/2 to 4 cups all-purpose flour

Cinnamon Mixture:
2 tablespoons butter, melted
1/2 cup sugar
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

Glaze:
1 cup powdered sugar
1 tablespoon milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

• Dissolve the yeast in the warm water in a large bowl. Stir in the milk, sugar, butter, salt, egg and two cups of the flour. Whisk until smooth. Mix in enough remaining flour that the dough easy to handle.

• Place the dough on a lightly floured surface and knead it until it becomes smooth and elastic (about 5 minutes). Place the dough ball in a greased bowl and cover. Let the dough rise in a warm place until it doubles in size (about 90 minutes). The dough is ready when an indentation remains when touched. If you are preparing these cinnamon rolls for your daughter's sleepover friends, this is a good time to tell them that the dough will continue to grow forever, so they should eat it before it eats them. You shouldn't actually lie to children. But it is fun.

• Punch down the dough and roll it out on a lightly floured surface into a rectangle about 9-x 18 inches. Once rolled, spread with melted butter. Mix the sugar and cinnamon together in small dish and sprinkle over the dough.

• Roll the dough lengthwise into a long tube. Seal well by pinching the edges of roll the together. Stretch the roll to make it even. Cut it into approximately two inch slices. Place the slices a little apart on greased pan or cookie sheet (they will grow significantly in the oven, so leave space).

• Cover and let rise until double they once again double in bulk. This will take about 35 to 40 minutes.

• Heat oven to about 375 degrees. Bake until they begin to turn golden brown and then remove them. (The secret to gooey cinnamon rolls is to not overcook them. Remove them as they begin to show signs of being cooked, because they will continue to cook even when removed.)

• Make the glaze by mixing powdered sugar, milk and vanilla together in a small dish. Mix it until it becomes the desired consistency. Add a little more milk if the frosting is too thick; a little more sugar if it's too runny. (Note: these rolls also taste very good without frosting, so that decision is left to you.)
  

As long as you start early, so that you have plenty of time to let the dough rise, these are pretty easy to make. It's worth trying this recipe just to experience that smell of yeast and dough that fills the house. And they really do taste as good as the ones at that other place. Everybody will say so.

And the next time your daughter and her friends run up to you screaming, "Make us cinnamon rolls. Make us cinnamon rolls. You can say what Grandpa always said, "Poof. You're cinnamon rolls." It's not the best joke in the world. But it'll do in a pinch.

Coin Trick: A Must Know for a Fun Older Relative

Coin tricks are an important skill for anyone wishing to be a fun older relative. There are two types of coin tricks; those that require skill and those that don't. I'll start by teaching a great coin trick that requires no skill, other than a little bit of convincing acting.

This trick must be performed for (at the least) a small group of people. This trick is often described as a "barehanded vanish of a coin under test conditions." Sounds impressive, no? Do not underestimate this trick because of its nefarious methodology. It is precisely that direct and nefarious methodology that makes this a powerful effect. It is a better trick than many others requiring a significant level of skill.

Allow a coin to be examined. If you are going for bonus older relative points, the coin should be a silver dollar, or at the very least a 50 cent piece. Roll up your sleeves. Do not neglect this important opportunity to build suspense.

Place the coin on your outstretched palm. Cover the coin with a pocket silk. Allow a member of the audience to reach underneath the silk and touch the coin to verify its presence. Repeat this process with several other members of the audience. When a number of people have verified that the coin is still present, you will very slowly (and with maximum dramatic impact) remove the silk, showing that the coin has vanished.

Later the coin may be reproduced in any manner you desire.

Have you figured out the method yet? As they say in magic books: the secret is simplicity itself. The last person to reach underneath the pocket silk was in actuality, your confederate. This person (choose wisely, you'll want someone who is above all suspicion) removed the coin in the lightly curled fingers of his or her hand while pretending to verify that the coin was still there.

This person may later "plant" the coin in an agreed upon location, or you may use a "pre-planted duplicate" to reproduce the coin, if desired.

There you go. Perform it correctly, and you'll have one of the strongest coin effects in the history of magic.

Marbles: So Old, It's New

On those days when you're feeling pummeled by technology, why not unplug everything for an hour and play marbles. You heard me. This is good, old-fashioned type stuff. Dig out a jar of marbles and dig deep into nostalgia. You may even be able to stretch back into your memory and recall your grandpa. That's who taught me how to play. Well, mine, not yours. I was probably about six.

First, we took turns carefully selecting our marbles from the large clear glass candy jar they were kept in. I remember I always had to have the one that was a perfect robin's egg blue and another one that had a white and yellow splotch and a burnt red strip in its center that we called bacon and eggs. Ultimately, we each chose six marbles. I don't remember what the colors of the other ones may have been but I do know that Grandpa presided over this selection ceremony in a very solemn manner and I always strove to make as strategic choices as possible.

Next, we went outside and Grandpa would draw a very large circle on the driveway. Of course, I was little, so everything seemed huge. Our 12 marbles were arranged in the shape of an “X” inside the ring. A neutral marble was laid in the center and then we lined out six in one direction and six in the other. Who went first was determined by “lagging.” That's when each player kneels down, puts their knuckles on the outside of the circle and flips their large “Shooter” marble as close to the opposite boundary as possible. I always had to have the orange colored cats-eye Shooter. It seemed almost magical. The person whose marble lands closest to the opposite side, without going over, gets to go first.

Now it's a matter of trying to shoot each other's marbles out of the ring while keeping your Shooter in the ring. Your Shooter acts like the cue ball in pool. As long as it stays in the ring and you shoot out your opponent's little marble, you can keep going and pick up your next shot from where the Shooter lies. If your Shooter shoots out of the large ring or you fail to hit a marble out of the ring, your turn is up and it's the other player's chance. If you accidentally shoot one of your own marbles out, your turn is also over and that marble counts for your opponent. First one to shoot out all of the opponent's marbles, plus the seventh neutral one, wins.

I never did it, but Grandad could easily shoot out all of those seven marbles consecutively. He could even call out which one was going out next, just like pool. I remember he only did it a couple of times and then I think he decided to take it easier on me so I would keep on playing. Grandma probably talked to him.

There are as many marble games as there are grandfathers and I don't think there's anything wrong with making up a new game either. The important thing is to get out of the ordinary video game rut and try something new. Try something old. Teach a child. They'll remember you for it.

Or to really spice things up, play for "keepsies."

Wine: Fiasco, The Manly Candle

Candles are nice, but occasionally have a little too much feminine quality to them. A friend of mine recently inquired whether I could invent a "manly candle." I immediately responded that the "manly candle" was invented centuries ago and continues to endure.

The famous Italian bottles of Chianti with the wicker bases (which help stabilize the top heavy bottle design) are technically called, fiascos. Fiasco is the Italian word for flask, or bottle, but ironically led to the English word meaning, a complete failure or disaster. Whether the evolution of the word is related to the unstable shape of the bottle itself, or the fact that those who drink too much of its content are similarly "tipsy" is unclear but players of the Commedia dell'Arte who flopped on stage, were said to have "made a fiasco."

Etamology aside, you should buy a few of these bottles. Drink, cook with, or dump the contents depending on your attitude toward "table wine." The empty bottles will make excellent candle holders. Heat up the bottom inch or two of a candle and jam it in the mouth of the bottle so that there is no risk of the candle making its own fiasco. These holders can last you the rest of your lifetime. As the years go by they will become covered with inches of lovely melted multi-colored waxes. Se bellisimo!

Wine: A Few Tips on Serving

Choosing the right bottle of wine is something that is entirely up to you. Whether you are the type that likes cheap wine ("table wine") or prefers the more expensive bottles, only you can decide. Personally, I prefer table wine for most evenings and save the nicer bottles for special occasions. That's just me, though, others have very different tastes. Here are just a couple of points that are worth keeping mind:

• The types of wine you serve and what you serve it with is left to your own discretion, but avoid making the classic mistake of serving red wine with fish. People will talk.

• Today, most people serve white wines too cold and red wines too warm. The "serve red wines at room temperature" rule is a holdover from days when people lived in damp, cool, castles with damp, cool, wine cellars. Today most houses are considerably more heated than their medieval counterparts, and a bottle of room temperature wine would be decidedly too warm. Adjust for this with the 20/20 rule. Twenty minutes before serving dinner, put a bottle of red wine into the refrigerator, and take the bottle of white wine out. (I once spent a winter in Seattle living in a house with no heating. The red wines served at room temperature were delicious.)

• Some nice wines these days come with bottle caps instead of corks. This is okay. Some believe that bottle caps may improve the wine, because they eliminate the possibility of the wine being infected by the cork, or "corked."

• Use a pocket knife or the knife on the corkscrew to remove the foil from the top of the bottle. Then, use the corkscrew to remove the cork. Don't screw too deeply or you'll risk tainting the wine with cork bits. Remove the cork, using the leverage device on the corkscrew, or brute strength if you've got it. It takes about 100 pounds of direct pressure to remove a cork. Don't spill!

• Speaking of not spilling, while pouring the wine, there is always one last drop that clings to the mouth of the bottle. When you set the bottle upright, that drop will run down the bottle and stain the label and/or tablecloth. There are several ways to deal with this drip, but licking it off isn't one. The best technique is to use your elbow and wrist to rotate the bottle after pouring, causing the drop of wine to coat the entire mouth of the bottle and thus, cease to be a drop.

Shaving: The Lost Art of Old School Shaving

Take a look at the ad above from 1905. When I bought my first safety razor over 100 years later, I paid the same price!

Shaving is something that men need to do constantly, and typically don't enjoy. But it doesn't have to be so bad. One of the major problems for men these days, when it comes to shaving, is that nobody ever taught them how to do it. The old days of fathers teaching sons to shave, have passed. What is there to teach? Buy a can of shaving and some razors and shave, right?

Not really. There is a lot to teach. And most men today don't know these things. One little known fact is that the first ingredient in shaving creams is acid. Another little discussed fact is that razor companies have progressively increased the number of blades men shave with from a single blade (1900-1960) to five bladed cartridges today! For some men (think Bluto from Popeye) this might be necessary, but for the rest, it is not. These blades, with their lift and cut technology are one of the leading causes of skin problems for men. Lifting and cutting blades lead to ingrown hairs which then become red, swollen and infected. Don't fall for what the razor blade companies tell you in the commercials. Don't let them force you to buy more and more expensive blades that you don't need.

Here is a little information about how to get an inexpensive babies butt shave, without destroying your skin, like your grandpa used to do.

• First, shower or wash your face with hot water. This cleans the surface, opens the pores and softens the hairs.

• Look around and find an old school lathering brush and a bar of shaving soap or shaving foam. I live in Paris and found everything I needed at the department store. In the US, you might have to look around a little. Soak the brush in hot water for a minute. Flick the excess water off of the brush and swirl it on the soap (or foam) until it gets very lathery and frothy. Lather it on your face. (Here you will look cooler than if you use the aerosol type, because it will cover your face evenly and smoothly, and you won't look like Santa Clause). Rinse the brush in the hot water, flick off the excess and set it on the shelf to dry.

• You'll want to have one of those old safety razors where the handle unscrews and you can put in double edged razor blade. I went to the flea market and found an old aluminum Gillete Tech from the 1950s for five Euros (the 1905 price)! You could also find them in antique shops or you can buy them new or used online. They often sell very cheaply. You'll also need a packet of blades made specifically for shaving. These will be available wherever you buy your lathering brush.

• Now, gently holding the razor by the lower part of the handle, begin to shave. The razor should be against your face at an angle of approximately 45 degrees (or a bit less). Do not apply pressure. The weight of the razor will be enough to shave. Always shave with the grain, not against. Think in terms of "cutting the hairs really short" not "shaving them entirely off." Ease into the process as slowly as you need to in order to feel comfortable. Change the blades once every week or two, or as they become dull. Change them as often as you like, they only cost about 25 cents each.

• Now rinse your face with hot water.

• And now splash your face with cold water to close the pores.

• Use an astringent and a cotton pad to return the p.h. balance to your skin (which is thrown off by the acid levels in the shaving foam). This also removes all of the remaining specks of hair and foam debris left after shaving.

• Use a gentle aftershave to heal your skin from the shaving process. Don't use the type that doubles as cologne because those are high in alcohol content and will dry out your skin. Use an aftershave balm or lotion.

That's it. Now you know. Shaving is yet another example of technology not actually improving on something. Not only is the old school method better for the skin, it's also cheaper and more fun. With a nice smelling foam, a fun lathering process, a cool old razor and a soothing aftershave, you might actually start to look forward to shaving. How many guys get to say that?

Coca-Cola: The Pause that Refreshes

"Housework brings that urge to pause and relax in an easy chair. Do it... with ice-cold Coca-Cola. It add to relaxation what relaxation always needs... pure, wholesome refreshment."

You know what goes well with a game of chess. Well, lots of things, actually: cigars, Martinis, espresso, Mexican hot chocolate... But if you're not in the mood for any of those things and you just want a quick easy beverage to share with someone, how about popping the top off an eight ounce bottle of Coke?

I'm not trying to advertise for them. They didn't pay me anything. But here's why I like those eight ounce glass bottles that you can still occasionally find: They taste good. Eight ounces is a relatively reasonable serving size. And they have a cute nostalgic quality that people really like.

It doesn't have to be Coke, either. A bottle of root beer is equally charming in the nostalgic category, and arguably tastes even better. Orange soda doesn't lag far behind.

But, for me, I'll always think of Coke, because I once moved to New Orleans just so that I could meet my childhood hero, and when I met him one scorching summer's day he offered me a bottle of Coke. I won't tell the whole story here, but that's the drift of it, and I suppose the moral of the story is:

If you want to be a really classy host on a hot summer's day, have a couple of cold bottle of Coke in the fridge, just in case. Or root beer. Or orange soda. Because that's just the kind of classy guy you are.

Chess: There's Just Not Enough of it Out There

I won't teach you how to play chess, here. Either you already know how to play chess, or you don't. If you don't already know how to play, than you have two choices: Learn to play, or play checkers. Either are fine options. Even chess players could benefit from playing the occasional game of checkers. Both are classic.

If you decide to learn, you should learn from someone personally. It's more fun that way.

There are two types of chess players: those who think they know how to play, and those who actually know how to play. People who actually know how to play are pretty rare and probably have Russian sounding names. These people know gambits and basically attempt to learn each of the nearly infinite potential combinations that can occur on a chess board. You don't need to be that way, although if you are, I would love it if you would teach me some things.

I think that people should play more chess. I love to play, and I haven't played in years because none of my friends play. That is the point of this essay. I think that more chess should be being played, in cafes, in parks, at schools, so I appeal to you. Get a nice board for home, and cheaper set you can throw in a back pack, and play chess more. Or checkers, if that's your thing.

Hot Chocolate: The Mexican Way

Who doesn't love hot chocolate? I mean really, who doesn't? I dare somebody not to like hot chocolate. I would be very suspicious of someone who didn't like hot chocolate. Well, the lactose intolerant perhaps, because they might be used to the paper envelope in the boiling water type. But everyone else, I dare you.

Instead of just mixing chocolate powder in milk on the next snowy morning or blustery evening, why not make something a little more authentic and interesting, like Mexican hot chocolate?

There are many variations, but here, I will provide a simple one.

• Use two cups of milk to serve two people. Whole milk will be richer. Live life.

• For two cups of milk, use four ounces of dark bitter chocolate (better yet, if you can find it, use a four ounce disk of Mexican chocolate, such as Ibarra).

• A splash of vanilla (real vanilla if possible).

First add a little splash of vanilla to the milk. Warm up the milk and the chocolate until the chocolate is melted and the milk begins to boil. Remove it from the heat and whisk with vigor to make your hot chocolate extra frothy. Pour into nice mugs. Do not pour this beautiful chocolate into a coffee mug that you got for free from your insurance company. Respect your hot chocolate by serving it in appropriate mugs. If you're with someone special, there is enough for both of you. If you are planning to curl up alone with a good book, congratulations, you can have both mugs. If you have kids, I hope you doubled the recipe.

You can add a dash of cinnamon if you like, or even chili powder, or both. If you prefer yours a little less bitter, add a spoonful of sugar. If you have an electric mixer than you can whip up some fresh heavy whipping cream with or without a little sugar, and scoop some on top.

Move somewhere where it snows a lot, and enjoy!

(Note: I learned a trick from a friend, who learned this trick from Martha Stewart, and now I'll pass it along to you. If you whip up a big batch of whipping cream, you can put scoops of it on a sheet of wax paper and freeze them. When they're frozen, put them in a airtight container and whenever you want, you can grab a frozen ball of whipped cream and toss it into your hot chocolate. It'll keep your drink from being scalding hot, and taste great, too. It beats the aerosol stuff in a can, that's for sure.)

Cigars: The Basics

"When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage... When you can't think of what you are supposed to say next, you take a puff on your cigar until you do think of your next line."

-- George Burns

There is a lot to learn about cigars. But luckily, there is not much that one has to learn. Here, I will include only the very basics about cigar smoking, should you choose to smoke a cigar.

Size, shape and color-- A cigar is not like a suit. It is not something that you will be wearing for the next twenty years. People will not look at you and make assumptions about you by the type of cigar that is inside your inner breast pocket. When choosing a cigar, choose the one that has a shape, color and price that suits your mood. However, there are a couple of points to keep in mind.

Different cigar names are associated with different shapes and sizes, but there is no universal standard. In general, Churchills are long and fat, Rothschilds are short, etc. I wouldn't worry about it, instead choose the size based on the amount of tobacco that you want to smoke and the time you'll have in which to do it.

Nicer cigars are called long-filler, meaning that the cigar is made with tobacco leaves which run the entire length of the cigar. Cheaper cigars are short-filler, meaning that the cigar is made from a bunch of "scraps" of tobacco leaf. Long filler cigars will "burn" better, but aside from reading the label on the box, it is it difficult to distinguish between the two without destroying the cigar. To quote Shakespeare, "As costly thy habit as thy purse can afford."

Cuban cigars are nice, but generally overhyped. Smoke them if they're available, but don't buy into any nonsense that only Cuban cigars are worth smoking. George Burns was famous for buying the 99 cent cigars to give out (that was a lot back then) but smoking the 5 cent cigars himself. That is not bad advice. If the cigar shop you are in produces its own house brand, why not give it a try?

When it's time to smoke the cigar there are three big questions. How to cut it, how to light it, and what to do with the cigar band. They'll cut it and light it for you at the shop, if you're going to smoke it right away.

The Cut-- Cut it with a cigar cutter if you have one, or you can just use your teeth to remove the paper at the tip. There is nothing wrong with biting the cigar, just don't bite into the tobacco.

The Light-- Light it with a butane cigar lighter if you have one, or you can just light it with wooden matches. Ask for matches when you buy your cigars and they'll give you a couple of boxes. Paper matches are too short and don't work. Cigarette lighters will fill the cigar with lighter fluid fumes. Hold three wooden matches, strike them all at once, and light the thing while puffing. (You do know that you never inhale cigar smoke right?)

The Band-- The band may be removed whenever you want, as long as it is removed before it burns. If the cigar marks a special occasion, save the band.

(Two notes: Try not to flick the ash, because you might also extinuguish part of the flame. Just let it get longer and longer until it falls off on its own. You can help it along a little, but be careful of your flame. Rotate the cigar as you smoke it, and you will help ensure an even burn. If one side of the cigar is burning significanly faster than the other, you'll need to relight it.)

That, and a nice glass of scotch on rocks, outta do it.

Sewing: Win Hearts with a Hand Stitched Teddy Bear

You've got your own sewing kit. You've attached a few buttons. You've made a few repairs and a few friends. You know how to secure threads and bury looses ends. It's time to put that knowledge to good use by hand stitching a teddy bear. A four carat diamond doesn't even say "I love you" like a hand sewn teddy bear.

And you can do it. It will take time, but not too much. If you put in an hour a day, the project should be over in less than two weeks. We live in a society that defines "making a teddy bear" as going to a store in the mall, pointing to a limp bear, and watching as a machine stuffs it with the requested amount of fluff. Ha! Not you. You are the man who keeps the past alive. You are a man's man and a woman's man, all at once!

Here's how to do it:

• Go to a local fabric store. Look through their pattern books and pick out your favorite pattern for a classic teddy bear.

• Pick up the necessary amount (usually a yard or two) of your chosen fabric. (The furry fabrics are okay, but tough to use; also consider buttersuede, or corduroy.)

• Pick up some thread. Since you're hand stitching, you'll probably want to use embroidery thread. You'll also need a pack of embroidery thread needles. Choose some colors of thread that match the fabric and some that slightly contrast, to use for accents. And brown for the nose.

• Select two really nice buttons for the eyes. Not fake teddy bear eyes, but old school buttons.

• You'll also want to make sure that you have a scrap of felt to give shape to the nose. Also, it's nice to have a few scraps of different fabrics if you want to make a bow tie or some appliques (shapes that you cut out of fabric and attach by sewing around the entire edge of the shape; often heart shapes).

• Grab a bag of stuffing, and you're ready to go.

Follow the directions, but don't stress about every little detail. Don't worry about making the darts and notches to minimize bunching. Just cut out the shapes. Stitch them together where you're supposed to using an over and under stitch about quarter inch away from the edge. (Just be sure that when you finish a stitch you finish it with a knot.) Attach the pieces in the proper order. And voila!

You're an artist, so the rest is up to you!

Sew A Button: The Gateway to Bigger Sewing Jobs

A man with class should have a sewing kit, a nice one, with a cloth measuring tape, needles, spools of thread, a seam ripper and a tomato shaped pin cushion. (What's a sewing kit without a tomato pin cushion?) Put everthing in a nice wooden cigar box and it will demand respect. We are living in a disposable age. If something rips, we throw it out. If a button falls off, we throw out the whole jacket. If a seam unravels, we throw out the whole coat. The man with class knows better. At the root of class, lies respect. With proper attention, care and respect, the clothing around you will be healthy and happy for a very long time. The same can be said for everything in a man's life.

There are two points I would like to make clear. First, the skills required to sew on a button, are very similar to the skills needed to make more complex repairs; By learning to attach buttons, you are learning to sew. Second, prevention is as important as repair. A stitch in time saves nine, right? Make the repairs when they first become necessary and the repairs will take only moments. One of the joys of making quick sewing repairs is the knowledge that those are the little types of jobs that so often go undone in other households. But not on your watch. You are not intimidated by those little projects. You are the guy who gets those jobs done.

Threading the Needle-- Pick an appropriate colored thread and cut off a very long length (about a yard). In the beginning, you'll want to use a needle with large eye. Over time, as you become better at threading needles, you can decrease the size. Do not use those wire needle threaders. Stick to tradition. Personally, I can thread a needle behind my back (I'll teach you to do it a little later). One trick to threading a needle is to hold the end of the thread so it only just barely protrudes from between the tips of your pinched index finger and thumb. Think about putting the eye of the needle over the thread instead of the other way around. With a little practice you'll be doing it in no time.

Got it yet? Pull the needle to the half way point, so that the ends of the thread are even. You'll be using a doubled up thread to attach buttons, meaning that you can get by with half as many stitches.

The Pick Stitch-- Another point to keep in mind is that if the material you are attaching the button to is double layered, such as the wool in a suit jacket or overcoat, then it won't be necessary to go all the way through both layers of the fabric with the needle. Instead, use the needle as a "pick" so that it only passes through the top layer of fabric. This way there will be no evidence, from either side, that the button has been reattached.

If you are following very very closely, you might be thinking. "But, if I just pick through the top layer then won't that leave the knots and the loose ends of the thread on the topside of the coat?" Wow, you are very observant! That is an excellent question. If you were to fix a hole in a sock, for example, you would begin by turning the sock inside out (thus, when you are done, your knots and loose ends will be on the inside of the sock). But buttons are a little different because you don't want to leave any "work" showing on either side of the coat.

Bury the Loose Ends-- First, do not cut the threads near the knot. If you trim too near to the knot, sooner or later (probably sooner), it will come untied. If you trim further away from the knot, the ends will forever poke out screaming, "amateur!"

So, this is what you'll do. Thread both loose ends through a needle (both together or one at a time). Next, run the needle under the first layer of fabric (starting at a point directly under the button), then run it for a length of several inches and then back to the surface. Then, pull the threads tight, so that the coat bunches up a little bit for the length of those several inches. Now, snip the threads where they are emerging from the coat. The ends of the thread will vanish into the coat, between the two layers of fabric, never to be seen again.

That method will be useful anytime that you wish to bury loose ends of thread. If you are attaching a button with a stem on the back, then the above information should be all you need to get you started. If you are sewing on a classic button with holes, then there are a couple of more points to consider.

Make a Stem-- Typically, on coats and jackets, these buttons are not sewn flush with the jacket. They usually have a little slack, making them a little more functional. So, adjust accordingly. Leave the button securely fastened, but a little wobbly. Then, take your extra length of thread and wind it (many times) around all of the other threads between the button and the coat, forming a stem. Secure this by winding a large loop around the stem, threading the needle through the loop, pulling tightly, and repeating. Afterward, bury the loose ends as before.

Types of Stitches-- You can attach a four hole button with two parallel stitches, two cross stitches, or turn the button diagonally and makes a chicken's foot stitch. In the event that you use a chicken's foot stitch, the foot should always be "climbing up." But unless you want to reattach all of the buttons, it's probably best to just match the stitch on the other buttons.

Thread a needle behind your back-- I have heard of legendary tailors who could thread a needle behind their back, but I'm not so sure that they didn't just cheat like I do. Here's my cheat method. Thread a needle, and hold the thread between the tips of your thumb and index finger, with the needle concealed in your curled lower three fingers. It should look like you are merely holding a piece of thread. Pick up a needle with your other hand and place both hands behind your back. Now "pin" the loose needle to a safe place such as the inside of your jacket or the waistband of your trousers. Bring your hands forward to reveal the threaded needle. Accept the applause that you don't deserve.

Eventually the guilt will burden you, and you will probably just learn to do this trick legitimately. Don't forget to remove the extra needle at some point before you sit down.

The Moral to the Story-- Sewing buttons is fun!

Juggling: The Proper Three Ball Cascade and a Lesson About Life

Now let's learn to juggle three balls properly. Do not rush things. If you skip steps now, you will pay for it later. We are going to begin with just one ball. Practice with one ball first. Until you have mastered the basic throw and catch, don't even think about picking up the second ball. Likewise, until you have mastered two, resist the temptation to try with three. If you rush ahead, you will end up with bad habits, and breaking those bad habits will be hard and painful. Take your time. Be patient. Progress slowly. Relax. And don't forget to breathe.

Please note: The basic pattern for juggling an odd number of objects is called a cascade, meaning that the balls cross in front of your body. They do not travel a circular path, they cross. This is a common misconception about juggling. The circular pattern is a more difficult and advanced pattern called a shower. But you must first learn the cascade.

One ball-- Stand with your feet shoulder width apart. Elbows bent at about 90 degrees and close to your body. Forearms parallel to the ground. One ball in your favorite hand. Look straight ahead. Throw that ball into the air so that it makes an arc in the air in front of you. As it descends, it should fall precisely into your other hand. The highest point of the arc should be somewhere between eye level and a few inches higher than the top of your head. Then throw the ball in the exact same manner back to the original hand and repeat. And repeat. And repeat.

Here are some points to consider while practicing with one ball. You should not progress any further until you have mastered the following:

• You should not be moving your feet. At all. Be very strict about this rule, as if they are glued to the floor. Do not move them.

• Do not reach forward to make a catch. The secret of juggling is to make good throws, not good catches. You must throw the ball so that it falls with minimal effort into the waiting hand.

• Do not reach up to catch a ball. Let gravity bring the ball down into the waiting hand. If you reach up to make a catch, you are robbing yourself of potential time during which you will eventually need to be dealing with other balls.

• Do not look at your hands. If you look straight ahead you will see the balls clearly when they are at the peak of their arc. At that point it is easy to know where they will fall. Anticipate their descent. Be proactive, rather than reactive. Your brain is a high speed calculator. It can easily make the minimal adjustments necessary to catch the balls.

• Relax. Relax your shoulders. Breathe. Practice. Remember to make good throws. Try it a few times with your eyes closed. It should be possible. Make a perfect throw, and the catch will happen almost automatically.

• Absorb the impact of the catch slightly, as if the ball were an egg. Be smooth and gentle. These are not bricks that you are juggling. They are lightweight balls. Treat them like that. Practice a little longer.

Two Balls-- There is very little more to add here, except that now you will have one ball in each hand. The throws will be exactly the same. Got that? Exactly the same throws. Do not do anything differently. Catching is less important throwing. (You will not throw both balls to the same point. If you did, they would collide. Your left hand will throw to a point about 8 inches above, and 18 inches in front of your right shoulder. The right hand will throw to that same point but over and in front of the left shoulder. If the balls left a trail of smoke, those trails would cross approximately 18 inches in front of the center of your breast plate. I don't mean to make this seem difficult, it's really quite easy. Take a look at the video if you'd like a visual.) Throw the first ball. When it reaches the apex of it's parabola, throw the second ball so that it passes under the first. Catch the first. And then catch the second. Stop. Breathe. Try a few more times. Two throws, two catches and nothing more. Now try again, beginning with the other hand.

Remember do not move your feet. Do not reach forward to make the catches. Practice good throws. This is not a rushed procedure. Do not throw both balls at the same time. The whole process should take about four seconds.

• One- throw the first ball.
• Two- throw the second ball.
• Three- catch the first ball.
• Four- catch the second ball.

Now try alternating hands. Start with the right hand. Make two throws and two catches. Now start with the left hand. Make two throws and two catches. Try it with your eyes closes. It should be possible. Difficult, but possible. Relax. Take lots of breaks. Don't get frustrated. Relax. Have fun. Do not let the balls rule your emotions. They are just stupid little balls. You are the master. Got that? Ready to try three? Here goes nothing.

Three balls-- Nothing new happens now, either. Same timing. Same throws. The goal is to make three throws and three catches and then pause. Start with two balls in your favorite hand. The hand with two balls will throw first.

• When the first ball reaches its peak, throw the second ball and catch the first.

• When the second ball is at its peak, throw the third ball and catch the second.

• Then, catch the third in the hand that is now holding the first. (Try to catch it in your fingers, since the first ball is already in that hand.)

• You have just made three throws and three catches. You have just juggled.

Don't rush things. Don't move your feet. Make good throws. Don't reach forward. Look straight ahead. Do it again and again and again. Try starting in the other hand first. When you can consistently make three throws and three catches starting from either hand, move on to four throws. Then five. Then six. Each time a hand opens to throw a ball it will also catch one. Somewhere around twelve or fifteen throws, you will be able to stop counting and just juggle.

Congratulate yourself. You have just learned the most difficult skill in this book. Juggling is a metaphor for life. And you have just kicked its ass. That's just the kind of guy you are.

Juggling: Theory and A Simple Three Ball Trick

Juggling three balls proficiently is a skill that will announce loudly to those around you, "Yes, I do have too much free time; but no, that time was not wasted." When you casually juggle three oranges at the office, those around you will reflect sadly on all the time they have spent playing video games when they should have been learning to juggle. But you will not rub your victories in their faces. You will teach them to juggle. Because that's just the kind of guy you are.

Juggling three balls proficiently is also, by the way, a skill that takes some time and dedication to learn. Some will learn in months, others learn in less than an hour. I have taught hundreds of people to juggle from all walks of life (seriously, all walks of life). And all of them learned to juggle. This is not a testament to my skills as a teacher, but rather, a testament to unexplored abilities that lie within each and every human being. I have often heard the excuse, "but I'm not very coordinated, I can't learn to juggle." That is a lie.

You can learn to juggle. (If you don't have hands, you can still become very good at foot juggling.) If you do have two hands and the ability to move them, you have no excuses. In fact, juggling is often used as physical therapy for those with coordination or vision impairments. In fact, one of the best jugglers in the world, initially learned to juggle as a means to overcome his gross motor skill impairments. Juggling is also very good exercise (think of all of the bending over you'll do to pick up the balls you drop.) All you'll need are three juggling balls, oranges or wadded up socks and a lot of patience and persistence. Let's learn to juggle, shall we?

Alright. First let's start with a simple trick that should only take a couple of minutes to learn. You'll be able to do this right away.

The Orangutan-- This is the easy one. This trick is funny. If you announce that you can juggle, and then you do this trick, and you are not on a stage at a Juggling convention, then you will get a positive reaction. It is called the Orangutan because you will inevitably look a little like an Orangutan as you perform this trick. Whether you try to look like an Orangutan or not is up to your own personal sense of style. (I generally wouldn't advise it.) The three balls should be sitting on a table in front of you.

• Pick up a ball with your left hand and place it in your right armpit.

• Pick up a ball with your right hand and place it in your left armpit.

• Pick up a ball with your left hand.

• Drop the ball from your right armpit and catch it in your right hand (this is as hard as it gets).

• Place the ball in your left hand into your right armpit.

• Drop the ball from your left armpit and catch it in your left hand.

• Place the ball in your right hand into your left armpit.

• Repeat a few more times and call it a day.

You've just learned to juggle three balls (sort of). That wasn't so hard, was it?